What's the best type of spoon?
I'll tell you ladle.
Longfellow is the known poet of basketball.
Why didn’t the pecan go to the ballet?
It was afraid of the nutcracker.
What's so special about twitter alphabet soup? It only has 140 letters.
When a Minotaur considers himself an optimist is it that he sees his glass as half-bull?
What kind of music are balloons afraid of? Pop Music.
I was surprised when I saw a man get struck by lightning.
The man was shocked as well.
How do you keep bacon from curling in the pan?
You take away their little brooms
How do you get rid of a witch’s hex?
Draw a hex-a-gone.
I didn't know my dad was a construction site thief, but when I got home all the signs were there.
Who were Gumby’s favorite Bible characters?
Shadrack, Meshack & AhBENDago.
Why did Billy make a bunch of snowmen to be his friends?
Because he wanted to hang with the cool kids!
What do you call a blind dinosaur? adoyouthinkhesaurus.
What key has legs and can't open doors? A Turkey.
Q. Why did the gorilla go to the barber?
A. He was concerned about his ape-pearance.
Why was the bouncy castle so expensive? Due to the cost of inflation.
What do they call Chris Christie in New Jersey? Cake Boss.
My dad refused to accept that he was not hiking in a mountain called Mt. McKinley
He was in Denali.
I can't touch my aunt or I will explode.
She's made of auntie matter.
Why are flowers so good at problem-solving?
They know how to nip things in the bud.
What did the flower tell his son before a big game?
I’m rooting for you.
What do you call an otter with a carrot in each ear? Anything you want as he can't hear you!
Our local store had a problem with people stealing their feminine hygiene products,
so they installed a padlock.
One day, a father was washing a car with his son...
The son asks, "why can't we just use a sponge?"
When I was in grade school, one of my best friends spoke Mandarin. One day, he introduced me to his parents and I told them I don’t speak orange.
What has four legs and goes Oom, Oom?
A cow walking backwards.
What do witches put on their hair? Scare spray.
Welcome to plastic surgery addicts anonymous.
I see a few new faces here this week and I must say I am very disappointed.
What time do spacemen get up? Alien in the morning.
When your poo goes into the sewers, it's not yours anymore.
It becomes pooblic domain.
My friend Elmer’s has gotten really good at tennis ever since he stuck to a healthier diet and went glue-ten free.
Why was the conservative buffalo disappointed in his child?
He was a bison.
When does Oliver Stone eat ice cream? Any Given Sundae.
What kind of snake does your math teacher probably own?
A pi-thon.
What's the difference between a sniper with Parkinson's Disease and a constipated owl?
One can shoot but can't hit...
How do you know a car is a good price?
If it is a Ford-able.
What do llamas call the end of the world?
Llamageddon.
Why was the birthday cake as hard as a rock?
Because it was marble cake!
What did the doughnut say to the pizza?
If I had as much dough as you, I wouldn’t be hanging around this hole.
What's the best way to avoid eating too many Thanksgiving leftovers? Quit cold turkey.
Have you heard the fast gladiator that was a tumor covered in dough?
He was a Roamin' Tumor Roll.
What do you call an ant who skips school?
A truant.
If there was a material made of milk which could store electricity...
...it would be called buttery.
Why do ambulance drivers always have a partner with them?
They’re pair-a-medics.
I failed my Calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins.
It was hard to differentiate between them.
My favorite fruit is the pear.
Because if you have two and you eat one, you still have a pear left.
How does the Skywalker family like their tea?
Lukewarm.
At a get-together, one fruit asked another "I was wondering how have you been". The other replied "Just peachy, isn't that grape?"
What did the Clydesdale use to deal cards at the casino?
A horse-shoe.
The unripe strawberry wasn't added to the starting lineup of the game because he was too green.
My fire tonight...
Was lit!
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