Did you hear about the artist that has been drawing very small, colorful noodles?
He drew an itsy, bitsy, teeny-weeny, yellow, polka dot linguini.
When the ghost went to a fancy restaurant, he decided to wear a boo-tie.
Someone asked me to sing a line from "Don't go breaking my heart"
I couldn't if I tried.
What do you get when dinosaurs crash their cars? Tyrannosaurus wrecks!
Did you hear about the orange boxer?
He got beaten to a pulp.
So engineering school is really hard.
I'm not doing so hot in thermodynamics.
I invited a turkey over for dinner. He was very late for dinner – when I asked him about it, he said he was busy getting dressed.
What do skeletons complain about?
Aching bones.
Why was the dung beetle mad at the store clerk?
Because the clerk sold him shampoo.
Did you hear about the mother goat telling jokes?
She’s a real kidder.
Congrats on proving that getting older doesn’t mean getting wiser.
Why was the burger sad after losing the race? Because the hotdog was the weiner.
What animal would you most like to be on a cold day?
A little otter...
I had a tattoo of a Scorpion on my back last night and to tell the truth...
It stings like hell.
An angry fruit yells at traffic in front of them
“Mango!”
Q: Why can’t oranges be pirates?
A: They don’t get scurvy.
Astronauts can't open milk bottles in space. 'In space, no one can. Here, use cream'.
What do you call a snail on a boat?
A snailor.
Why couldn’t the dog say, “Ahhh”?
Because the cat got his tongue.
What do you call a cab which provides drug therapy? Chemotaxis.
Why was the ghoul so smart?
He always ate brain food!
What does the birch like to study in school? Chemistree.
Where do crows go to get educated?
CAWlege
Apparently my password needs to be capitals only so I've changed it to LONDONMADRIDROME.
Why was the little bear so spoiled?
Because its mother panda’d to its every whim!
If you plant a light bulb in your garden, does it grow into a power plant?
Why was King Arthur’s army too tired to fight?
All of those sleepless knights.
What do you call a baby tree struck by lightning?
A zapling.
Q: What did the tree say to the wind?
A: Leaf me alone
How do penguins drink?
Out of beak-ers!
The Leaning Tower of Pisa is in Italy
So it’s italicized!
What is worse than raining cats and dogs?
Hailing taxis.
I googled 'lost medieval servant boy'
The result was 'This page cannot be found.'
Today I learned that mosquitoes love type-B blood.
Oops. sorry, type-O.
Why do girl ghosts go on diets? So they can keep their ghoulish figures.
You cross a turtle with a giraffe and a kangaroo and you end up with a turtle
neck jumper.
My Microwave is a Liar. On the front it says "30-60 Seconds for a Hot Dog."
I keep running that thing for minutes on end but I never get a Hot Dog to come out.
One day a apple saw a banana without its peel. The apple asked banana, where is your peel? He replied, people are always taking off my clothes.
In later years was the Great One in decline? Yes he was on the Wayne.
A mosquito asks for a date: "I'd like to take you out to suck blood on someones leg"
She says "I don't know, I feel like I'm going out on a limb here."
Being shellfless entails volunteering at the relief center during disaster.
I didn’t know you could vape a chocolate bar until my wife told me to stop inhaling them.
A lorry load of pears has crashed on the motorway. It’s caused a huge jam.
Life is brew-tiful!
Computers cannot make good boxers because their bark is worse than their byte.
Who turns the lights off on Halloween?
The light's witch.
What does a Greek machine need to work?
Greece.
I asked the librarian for the new book on erectile dysfunction.
She typed on her keyboard and said "It's not coming up!"
I said "Yeah, that's the one!!"
What kind of deer make great weather forecasters?
Rain-deer.
What do you call a stoned, dyslexic crow?
A hybrid
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