When I heard my sofa had been stolen, I thought “I’m not going to take this sitting down”.
An atom loses an electron...
It says, "man, I really gotta keep an ion them."
My uncle was crushed by a piano...
His funeral was very low key.
Our backstage manager is leaving at the end of the year. He has been an outstanding member of our theatre team.
Props to him.
Pack your trunks – we’re having a pool party!
I'm going around with a bent knife, so that when I'm short on time, I can cut corners.
Why did the kicker finally decide to marry his high school sweetheart?
She was a fair catch!
Snow on and snow forth.
How does spider man always come up with such clever comebacks?
Because with great power, comes great response ability.
Why do witches not wear a regular hat?
Because there's no point in it.
Why did the pianist quit playing the piano?
Bad Bach.
Did you hear about the artist that has been drawing very small, colorful noodles?
He drew an itsy, bitsy, teeny-weeny, yellow, polka dot linguini.
What's the difference between a knife and an argument with a man?
The knife has a point.
How do you get a mouse to smile?
Say cheese.
Did you hear about the troupe of gnome dancers that robbed half the city blind?
They had a good run, but the jig is up.
What’s it like to kiss a vampire?
A real pain in the neck!
My dog loves Star Wars.
His favorite character is Chew-bark-a.
If you walk along a railroad track you may soon feel run down.
What's a pun's best trait?
His pun-ctuality!
What do you get if you cross a teddy bear with a pig?
A teddy boar.
How do geologists like to relax?
In rocking chairs, of course!
The zombie worked for years to win this prize. He showed real dead-ication.
When is it raining money? Whenever there's 'change' in the weather.
Walking through the farm and a group of pigs jumped out of a tree at me. It was a hambush.
What did the snowman order at the fast food restaurant?
An ice burger extra cheese.
What did the nerdy duckling say ?
Quark Quark.
What type of cats usually purr the best? Purr-sians!
My Ex Girlfriend stole my Hummus.
I told that chick, peace
Who’s a llama’s favorite actor?
Al Pacacino.
If you had fifteen cows and five goats what would you have?
Plenty of milk.
What do you call a connection between two points in space-time through which only dragons can pass?
A wyrmhole.
My son just tried to tell me a joke about pumpkins.
Oh, gourd, was it awful.
What kind of alcohol do flowers drink?
Rosé.
What did the horse say to his friend that didn’t come party last night?
You didn’t turnout.
I went to my kid's school for an art exhibition
It was paper view.
If I were to wander around in Italy...
Would I be roamin'?
What kind of tea did the American colonists want? Liberty.
Why did the fruit bat eat the orange?
“Because it had appeal.”
If that’s the case, would it be wrong to say that the unfaithful watermelon had an illegitimate daughtermelon?
I don’t know if I got hit by freezing rain but it sure hurt like hail.
Bad saxophone players should be put on some kind of public list.
I want to know if I'm living next to a registered sax offender.
What Disney movie can a deer watch over and over again?
Fawn-tasia.
What do you call a knight made entirely out of china?
Sir Ramic.
Dear Turkey, don't worry... they only love us for our breasts too. Sincerely, all women.
When do zombies go to sleep?
When they are dead tired.
What did the monochrome say to the rainbow?
Oh no! My arch nemesis!
A tree's limbs fell off in a storm, now it's an amputree.
Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, do you believe in love at first sight, or should I go around this chairlift again?
I’m establishing my punning game early today.
Wino Woe: Forgive me, for I have zinned!
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