I used Brylcreem this morning to slick back my hair like my father used to do. My wife asked me what I was doing.
I said, "I'm having a dad hair day."
My son told me he can drink a whole glass a whiskey straight.
Personally, I think it's neat.
What do you call a pair of cornstalks that are best friends?
Ear buds!
My son asked me where the pan was.
I told him, naturally, it went on a wok.
An actor I know fell through the floor recently. It's just a stage he was going through.
A student made our teacher so angry, they flipped their desk
Oh, the tables have turned
What do you get when you play Tug-of-War with a pig? Pulled-Pork
Did you hear about the lawyer who tried to sue a shark for biting all his limbs off?
He didn’t have a leg to stand on.
What will a space turkey say to another one? Hubble Hubble.
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius, but his brother Frank...
Was a monster!
What did the fawn say to warn her friend about the haunted house?
“Don’t go deer!”
How do you know carrots are good for your eyes? Because you never see a rabbit wearing glasses.
What do you call a cat sitting on a platter?
A Platterpuss.
If you're in a food fight, always throw peas. We need to give peas a chance.
So you live in the seventh most populous city in France?
Must be Nice.
What do you call someone who eats too many eggs?
An egg-oholic.
What do you call an Irish dancer having a heart attack?
Michael flatline.
Q: Why did no one like peach’s personality?
A: Because it had a heart of stone.
Why don’t monkeys play cards in the jungle?
Because there are too many cheetahs.
Power naps are great. You can really build up charge with them.
Football is one habit I will never kick.
Why did the man continue to eat whole peaches? Because he has a bottomless pit.
Seven days without a pun makes one weak.
Which hard drive is always the happiest?
Disk C:
What do you call the least popular color in the rainbow? The weakest pink.
What time do werewolf Cowboys have a shootout?
High Moon!
Jameson on St. Patrick’s Day? It’s worth a shot.
How do people stop being crooks? They straighen themselves out!
Why did the Vikings not have high doorknobs?
Because of Loki.
Doctor: Your brain seems to have deleted all info about 80s music!
Man: Yikes! What’s The Cure?
Doctor: Darn, it’s worse than I thought.
What did the electrical engineer say when he got shocked? That hertz.
I know a family of artists but I am not sure how they make so much money...
Very sketchy people.
What did the Teddy Bear say after blowing out his birthday candles? No cake for me…I’m stuffed
What do you call a man in the ocean with no arms and no legs? Bob.
What has a spiked tail, plates on its back, and sixteen wheels? A Stegosaurus on roller skates!
I just found out that my son got a tattoo of spades, diamonds, hearts, and clubs on his arm.
I might have to deal with him later.
Scarecrows always garden their patch.
What do you call a Blind Dinosaur's Dog? Do-ya-think-he-saurus-rex.
What is in the middle of dinosaurs ? The letter "s"!
I recently had my hair cut.
At first I didn’t like it but now it’s growing on me.
What’s the easiest shot in golf?
Your fourth putt.
What do you call a group of butchers coming together? A meating.
What kind of celebration pays down the national debt? A tea party.
I'm Going to Host a Boat Race.
The winner will get pasta. It will be called the Penne Regatta.
What do you call a selfish bomb?
Mine.
Condoms are like ear muffs.
They prevent a lot of noise.
Everyone loves my Halloween costume, but I still see room for improvement.
I guess I'm an ogre-achiever.
What do oranges have after a hard work out? Juice!
What type of weapon does a vegetable knight use?
A-spear-iguess
Why are owls so good at math?
They excel at owlgebra.
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