How do you throw a space party? You planet.
Why do you cry, Willy?
Why do you cry?
Why, Willy?
Why, Willy?
Why, Willy? Why?
What kind of apple has a short temper? A crab apple.
What's the difference between Greek yogurt and regular yogurt?
Greek yogurt has a rich cultural history.
What is a cheese lover’s favorite musician?
Mozart-arella.
What do you call one green onion that doesn't listen to anyone and is very naughty? It is called a rapscallion!
Why do witches not wear a regular hat?
Because there's no point in it.
Did you hear that they're trying to convict an orange?
It got wrapped up in appeal.
What does a winged horse drink from at a party?
A keg-asus.
How do ponies react when the opposing team comes on the field?
They horse-boo.
What is your mouth’s favorite exercise?
Burpees.
Why was the baker in a serious panic? He thought that he was in a loaf or death situation.
When doesn’t a bull have horns?
When it’s a bullfrog.
What type of apartment does a pun live in?
The pun-thouse!
If you don’t properly seal the lids on your spice rack...
You’re going to have a bad Thyme.
The late actor Sir Sean Connery was a big fan of the onion because well, he usshed to love them shh-allot.
How many prison guards does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None they just beat the room for being black.
How does Reese eat her ice cream?
Witherspoon.
You should check out that Egyptian antiquities store.
They have a mummy-back guarantee!
Q: What do you call a row of 10 blondes standing ear to ear?
A: A wind tunnel.
What did the lipstick say after he let down his friend?
I’ll make it up to you.
What's green with red spots?
A frog with the chicken pox.
What is the chemical formula for the molecules in candy? Carbon-Holmium-Cobalt-Lanthanum-Tellurium or CHoCoLaTe
Einstein developed a theory about space. And it was about time too.
Why do dogs run in circles?
Because it’s hard to run in a square.
I grew facial hair without telling anyone.
It's my secret 'stache.
Did you hear about the sign on the bakery that got everyone talking? It said “I knead dough to live.”
What’s the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?
Alligators will see you later, crocodiles in a while.
Why did the man driving a train get struck by lightning?
He was a good conductor.
I wonder...
How much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
What concert costs $0.45?
50 Cent with Nickelback.
A little girl is having a tea party with her teddy bear.
"Would you like anything to eat Mr. Bear?" she asks.
"No thanks, I'm stuffed."
When is it appropriate to sleep in a bathtub?
When you're feeling drained.
Although knights were considered protectors of the realm, they sometimes did get involved in the politics of their time. This was because the knights followed knight-wing politics.
When the little unicorn got bullied at school, he told his pop-corn so he could do something about it.
I was sick, and my whole body turned colorful. The doctor took a look and said that I had a color infection, which is caused by the Crayola virus.s
What kind of doctor is always available?
An on-call-ogist.
What do you call a kangaroo DJ?
Disc joey.
Why did Wonder Woman rescue the Wine?
Because that's what grape lady superheroes do!
Why did the computer crash?
It had a bad driver!
My love for you is like no otter.
Old Software Engineers Never Die...
They just reboot.
Did you hear about the cow that was lifted into the air by a tornado? It was an udder disaster!
We are mint to be.
Why did the girl decide to become an art dealer? Because she wanted more Monet.
When my girlfriend told me she needed time and distance, my heart almost stopped,
Fortunately, she was just calculating velocity.
When God integrated Planet Earth, he didn’t forget his integral calculus lesson.
He remembered to add the sea.
What do you call a computer that plays tennis?
A server
Just found out they make adult race car beds so I bought one.
That way I can be fast asleep.
I asked my friend for a tube of toothpaste. He gave me the smallest tube I’ve ever seen.
Next time, I’ll ask for teethpaste.
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