I was watching a new cooking show where you only get to pick one pan to use the whole time…
It's called, "Do You Have The Skillet Takes?!"
What happens when you go to the beach in hell?
You get a SaTan.
Remember the band that did that rock cover of “walk like an Egyptian’ by The Bangles?
Pharaohsmith.
When everyone agreed with Hulk at breakfast that they love waffles more, he said, "Not all heroes wear crepes."
I used to get a nasty electric shock every time I touched something metallic. But thankfully I’m cured.
I’m ex-static!
What did the bat say when she was invited to dinner?
No, fangs. I just ate.
Why does the skeleton wear skinny jeans?
Because it’s got a marrow waistline.
Where did the garlic clove go to have a few drinks? The Salad Bar!
I like big punts and I cannot lie
Why wouldn’t the ghost eat liver? He didn’t have the stomach for it.
2 flies are playing soccer on a plate.
One says to the other "you'd better pick up your game Louie, we're playing in the cup tomorrow".
A disappointed Dad tells a knock-knock joke to his teenage son: "Knock knock." "Who's there?" "You're a mountain." "You're a mountain, who?" "You're a mountain to nothing, son!"
What did Sherlock Holmes say to Watson when he noticed sandstone deposits on the river bank? "It's sedimentary, my dear Watson."
Why was fog kicked off the football team? He mist a field goal.
Recently in a meeting at the greengrocer I work at, I asked my manager how he was doing. "Just peachy", he replied.
After watching me read “War and Peace”, my son asked me, “Dad, why is the book so thick?”
Me: Well, it’s a long story.
What was the cheese’s strategy when it ran for president?
Make America grate again.
Did you hear about the battery and the volleyball who got into a fight? The volleyball is waiting to go to church and the battery was charged.
Who else is a famous barnyard painter?
Pablo PIGcaso
What do cats wear to bed? Paw-jamas.
A prankster played a really dark and dim-witted joke at the theatre. He turned off the lights.
What did the father ant said to his son when they moved to France from America?
Son, we are now Europeants!
How do Greek gods say sorry to one another
"I Apollo-gise"
How do Rednecks celebrate Halloween? Pump kin!
Ice cream trucks are pretty hardy, but they will break down if they drive over the rocky road.
Thank goodness for Halloween, all of a sudden, cobwebs in my house are decorations!
Books on helium are so hard to put down.
Do people have strange scents of humor if they laugh at their own farts?
Why does a horse’s hair always look so good?
She mane-tains it.
What kind of cheese do rodents like? Mousearella.
What did the hamburger coach tell his team after they lost the first round? “You have to keep frying, you can’t give up”.
I was going to tell you a joke about an egg but it's not all it's cracked up to be.
Where does seaweed look for a job?
In the kelp-wanted section.
For Halloween I’m going to write “Life” on a plain white T-shirt and hand out lemons to strangers
What did the mathematician do at the baseball game?
Square root for the home team.
Did you hear about the man who quit his job at a bakery? They said that it left him loathe of bread.
Heard a joke about urinals, but it didn't make me laugh.
I guess you had to pee there.
My wife doesn't like spicy food and I think it's a cayenne shame.
What is an astronauts favorite chocolate? A marsbar!
What do you get if you cross a frog and a dog?
A croaker spaniel.
I like my pasta the way I like my medieval Italian literature.
All Dante.
Why can't the bankrupt Hindu complain? He's got no beef.
How are a car and a bicycle similar?
“You can’t make watermelon juice out of either of them.”
How did the computer hackers get away from the scene of crime?
They just ransomware.
My friend asked me why I was wearing a lamp shade over my face.
I replied, "I am feeling light headed."
BREAKING: The United States, after mistaking it for an Iranian submarine, has struck a utility submarine with an underwater torpedo that was en route to displace the shipping carrier blocking the Suez Canal, killing all 169 aboard
whoops wrong sub
I was at the beach today when I saw a man in the sea yelling “Help, shark! Help!”
I just laughed. I knew that shark wasn’t going to help him.
I thought I checkmated my dad with my new glass set in chess...
But he saw right through it
Don't even chai.
What kind of car does a viking drive?
A fjord
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