My father and I were leaving our hotel room in Iraq and he almost forgot his suitcase.
I said "Don’t forget your Baghdad."
What do you call a poor ant?
A peas-ant.
General: "Fire at will!"
Soldier: "Which one's Will?"
Octopus ocular optics.
My dog takes so long to get ready. He can never chews what to wear.
At what time of day was Adam created?
A little before Eve.
"Stop and smell the rosé."
What do penguins sing at a birthday party?
Freeze a Jolly Good Fellow.
Softball is just like baseball
Except the tactics seem more underhanded.
In a world without fences and walls, who needs Gates and Windows?
What did the pig say on the warm summer’s day?
“I’m bacon.”
Have you heard of the band 1023MB?
They haven't got a gig yet.
A worm child comes home. It sees mom and asks: "Mom, have you seen dad?"
Mom says: "Dad went fishing with the guys."
My communist grandparents hated each other, but still stayed married for more than 60 years.
It was a so-be-it union.
What do you get if you cross a wasp with a doorbell?
A hum-dinger!
Did you hear about the famous Spanish streaker?
Senor Willy.
As the storm was brewing, the madman raised his hands and cried, "Hail Storms! Long may they rain!"
When I was in school I got a B in biology, a C in chemistry.
And an F in Physics.
What is a monster's favorite food? Ghoul scout cookies.
Why does Foghorn Leghorn take it slow when April rolls around?
Because he’s no spring chicken!
What's green with red spots?
A frog with the chicken pox.
I just got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows and nuts I won’t lie, it was a Rocky Road.
The glass eyeball manufacturer is having a promotion
An eye for an eye.
What did the Turkey wear on Halloween?
He was a goblin.
Fir sure.
The green light at the road signal looked at the red light and said, "Don't look while I am changing".
What time should I book the court? Let’s shoot for around tennish.
What do you call an ant dipped in chocolate? Decad-ant.
Having a ball
I wanted to learn to drive a stick shift.
Thing is, I couldn’t find a manual.
Any noise annoys an oyster but a noisy noise annoys an oyster more.
I told everyone that I’m going as a zombie character from Harry Potter this Halloween, but no one believes me.
I’m dead Sirius.
Do you want to know what you get when you cross a newborn snake with a basketball? Really! Ooh you will end up with a bouncing baby boa.
Where do bats go to gamble?
Bat-lantic City.
There are 2 unwritten rules for a successful marriage.
1: . 2: .
How did the mushroom end up on a vacation abroad? It was just a spore of the moment decision!
Why didn't the peasants attend the Egyptian king's open palace party?
The address was "2, Pharaoh Way"
What is a cow’s favorite lunch meat?
Bullogna.
What does Earth get on Earth day ?
A birthday quake !
Why don't baseball players join unions?
They don't like to be called out on strike.
R.I.P boiled water. You will be mist
What dd the man in the moon do when his hair got too long? Eclipse it.
How do you make a milkshake? Give a cow a pogo stick.
Q: What anime series do fruits like to watch?
A: One peach.
Mountains aren't funny....? They're hilarious.
What do you call it when cows do battle in outer space?
Steer Wars.
What do you call an italian mosquito?
Malario.
A car carrying bank robbers and a truck carrying cement collided yesterday. Police are now searching for hardened criminals.
I'm going to tell you all a story about strawberries.....
Once a punnet time....
If someone else would have invented the airplane, it wouldn't have been Wright.
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