Did You Hear About The Duck With A Drug Problem?
He was a quackhead.
How does a Ghost say good-bye? - I can’t wait to seance you again.
What do you get when an Elephant sits on an Orange?
Orange squash.
What kind of underwear do monkeys wear?
Chimpantsies.
It's easier to prepare meals with this new cookware-wolf.
What do you call dudes who love math?
Algebros.
Immanuel doesn't pun, he Kant.
What do you call a cow that has 1 leg? Steak
What was the owl’s favorite Whitney Houston song?
Owl always love you.
How sweet is only for girls?
Her-shey’s kisses.
How does a computer learn something new?
Bit by bit.
What is a dentist’s favorite hymn?
Crown Him with Many Crowns
My friend has an insect parasite that can't stop fidgeting as it sucks blood.
He has a nervous tick.
What is most gorillas' favorite book to study in English class at high school?
The Apes Of Wrath.
What did the kangaroo say about the man who kidnapped her joey?
Stop that pick-pocket!
I use a crow to wake me up in the morning.
There’s caws for alarm.
I lost a cooking challenge once for not completing the dish.
I ran out of thyme.
I didn’t know you could vape a chocolate bar until my wife told me to stop inhaling them.
What fish like to fly?
Flying Fish
What do you get when you mix an elephant and a kangaroo?
Big holes all over Australia.
I was surprised when I saw a boat in the driveway so I asked my wife about it.
She said there was a great sail.
I have six eyes, two mouths and three ears, what am I?
Ugly.
Why could the Italian Chef not unlock his car?
He had Gnocchi.
What did the happy kitten say? I’m feline good!
Fall is a-maize-ing.
What sound does a nut make when it sneezes?
"Cashew."
Why did the cow go to space?
to get ice cream.
Q. What did the computer say to the cookie?
A. "Can I have your chocolate chip?"
How much dew does a dewdrop drop
If dewdrops do drop dew?
They do drop, they do
As do dewdrops drop
If dewdrops do drop dew.
Did you hear about the new Netflix series? The one about a couple of poor female artists living in 1600s Rome?
I think it's called Two Baroque Girls
My Roomba accidentally rolled out of my front door, and the neighborhood squirrels and rabbits immediately started attacking it.
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Where does Thor grow his vegetables?
In his Asgarden.
What did the fish say to the other fish? Pucker-fish!
The medieval queen was unhappy when she saw that it was pouring outside. She sighed to herself, "This could be another reigny day."
BREAKING NEWS: Vietnam accidentally sank its own submarine killing all 350 on board
Whoops, wrong sub.
What’s a goat’s favorite TV show?
America’s Goat Talent.
What do you call an elf that joins the 11 other elves in Santa’s workshop?
The twelf!
Organic chemistry is really hard.
Those who study it have alkynes of trouble.
What do you get if you cross a skunk with a bear?
Winnie the PU!
What did the Austrian skier yell when he sprained his ankle?
“Alp!”
I used Brylcreem this morning to slick back my hair like my father used to do. My wife asked me what I was doing.
I said, "I'm having a dad hair day."
What do you call a white crow?
A caw-casian.
There was this bald guy at the bus
He seemed really lightheaded
Q. Which deer was a fascist dictator?
A. Moose Al Ini.
What do you get when you cross a shark with a snowman?
Frostbite.
What do you call a tree that grows deodorant, toothpaste and tampons?
A toiletry.
Did you hear about the happy cannon balls?
They just got married and I hear they’re already expecting some BBs.
Wel'l Wel'l Wel'l - if it isn't autocorrect.
What is small, furry and brilliant at sword fights?
A mouseketeer!
What do crows read? Cawmics.
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