Where does a cow hang his best paintings? In a moo-seum, of course.
I saw an ad for burial plots, and I thought: “That’s the last thing I need!”
Who used to run pen & paper RPGs in 1st century BC Rome?
The Carpe DM
What did Russian do after they made the vaccine ?
They Put-in.
What do you get if your lovers soul was trapped in a sword for all eternity?
A babe-blade.
What happens when a ghost gets lost in the fog? He is mist.
Whenever I hear folksy stories about the hills, I can never get over them.
What's the ghoul's favorite sauce?
Grave-y.
Sleigh my name, sleigh my name.
What did the woman say when she escaped Dracula’s clutches?
- Better luck necks time!
Today I learned that mosquitoes love type-B blood.
Oops. sorry, type-O.
My girlfriend left me because all I do is talk about football.
I'm so sad, we were together for 3 seasons.
The abdominal snowman is just a snowman with a six-pack.
What did the painter say to the wall? Another crack like that and I'll have to plaster you!
Who is the best kung fu vegetable?
Brocc lee.
Q: What is a tornado’s favorite Elton John song?
A: Candle in the Wind!
What did the Egyptian Pharaoh do when he got caught in traffic?
ANKH ANKH!!
I've finally started to believe that Pluto is not really a planet...
Especially when I saw him in a cartoon.
What did the deer say when he left the barbershop?
“I feel like a million bucks!”
One blender turns to the one next to it and says "You're looking exceptionally good today!"
So the other replies, "You're such a smoothie talker"
Living costs on the moon would probably be out of this world.
What did one witch's cat say to the other?
You look familiar.
What did Hillary Clinton say when Bill wanted a new Saxophone?
"Not until you get rid of that HarMonica."
The mossbacks could not connect with the new developments, so the bill was hot
down at the senate.
Why did the pig become an actress? Because she was a real ham!
A mathematician walks into a bar and says, “One beer for me, and 10 beers each for all my friends!”
Bartender: "Now that’s an order of magnitude!"
I was doing brain surgery to a patient the other day
He was rather open-minded if you ask me.
What do you call a witch's spotless garage?
A broom closet.
What did the witch do when her broomstick broke?
She witch-hiked.
My writer buddy went to buy a new boat...
He named it Penman-Ship.
Super-duper storm troopers whoop it up at Death Star groupers: helmet thrashing, rebel bashing, laser blasting at party poopers.
The medieval queen was unhappy when she saw that it was pouring outside. She sighed to herself, "This could be another reigny day."
Did you hear about the witch who got plastic surgery?
She looked really good afterworts.
Went to a game with my dad today and as we were standing up to sing, the veteran in him kicked in and he began tearing up. I said to him, "You know, technically, national anthems are just…
…country music."
What nut is always begging for attention?
Pssst-tachios.
What does a caped monkey superhero drive?
A banana-mobile.
The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies"
I replied, "Tell him he's very good at it as well. I don't have any kids."
What do you call an acid with attitude?
A meano-acid.
What did the conductor say when he became a zombie?
Traaaaaaaaiiiinsss!!!
What is a volleyball player’s favorite drink? Sets on the Beach.
What do llamas always say after yoga class?
“Llamaste.”
Julius Caesar's brother was the first historically known epileptic.
His name? Julius Seizure.
I’m going to start a YouTube channel where I critique bottled water...
It’s an untapped market.
What did the dolphin do to the woman who was rude to it?
Flipper off!
What do you yell at two mummies making out in public?
Get a tomb!
This is a taco and burrito conversation.
Nachos.
Why did no one drink the youngest milk? Its parents spoiled it.
People are always amazed by the skilled tattoo artists in Spain
Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision.
Who dosent eat on Thanksgiving? A turkey because it is always stuffed.
What do you call a fish with a tie?
Sofishticated!
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