What are the magic words for a brainy magician?
Hocus sulcus.
Whats in a camels favorite cup of tea?
Camelmile
What do you get with surprise peas?
Wet legs
“How was your day? ” “It was tater-ible”
You know what they say about ice cream parents?
They play flavorites.
I have a friend who has been diagnosed with a phobia of sausages. She always fears the wurst.
How does a computer learn something new?
Bit by bit.
All dressed up and nowhere to grow.
What is a cow's favorite lunch meat? Bullogna
Who’s the arch-enemy of the Gsus chord?
The Dmin chord.
If a clown farts...
Does it smell funny?
Why do Russian teapots have to go to bed early?
Because samovars have to work tomorrow.
Why was the skeleton stupid?
He was a numskull.
My eating utensils were forged from forged steel, so don't mess with me or I'll fork you up.
What is a tornado's favorite Elton John song? Candle in the Wind!
Golfer: I’d move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course.
Caddie: Try heaven. You’ve already moved most of the earth.
Did you get a hair cut?
No, I got them all cut.
What do math and history have in common?
They both teach people about inequalities.
I dressed up as bacon for halloween.
To say the least, i was looking pretty CRISP.
Where do point guards take their dates to party after the game?
To a basket ball.
Q: What do you get when you cross an Egyptian pharaoh with a mechanic?
A: Toot and Car Man.
What do you call a skeleton with no friends?
Bonely.
My friend told me he had to leave the play after Act l. Knowing he'd waited forever to see it, I asked him why. He said the program stated that Act ll was two years later, and he refused to wait that long.
What is a lightyear?
The same as a regular year, but with less calories.
Why did the orange lose his job at the factory? He didn’t concentrate.
What do you call a pig that gets the test answer wrong?
Mistaken bacon.
I can't touch my aunt or I will explode.
She's made of auntie matter.
I snuggle to get through these winter days.
How does Frankenstein jump-start his day?
With a shock of lighting.
What illness kept Avogadro in bed for two months?
Mole-onucleosis
I thought I was swimming in the river Thames, but apparently I made it all the way to France before I realized I'm in Seine.
Who won the skeleton beauty contest?
No body.
What's yellow and always points to the north? A magnetic banana.
My birch of a wife just told me she wants a divorce. Says she’s tired of all of my tree puns.
Why did Don Corleone send back the plate for his coffee cup?
Someone gave him a saucer he could not reuse.
I cannoli be happy
Our landlord knocked on our door today and said that if we didn't pay rent, they'd turn off the heater tomorrow.
It was our last warming.
What is a dog’s favorite vegetable? A collie flower.
Why do dogs run in circles?
Because it’s hard to run in a square.
What do you call a deer that can write with both hands?
Bambi-dextrous.
My sister asked me for some spider puns.
I told her to look them up on the web.
What's the best hairstyle for a gun?
Bangs.
I want to ask my girlfriend to marry me, but first I must ask her father's permission...
I have to question the pop before I pop the question.
Did you know Davy Crockett had three ears?
A left ear, a right ear, and a wild frontier.
Dracula always read the best selling local newspaper because he heard that it had a good circulation.
What did parietal say to frontal?
"I lobe you."
I got 5 packs of deodorant for a nickel.
Deodorant is a scent.
Why did the hot dog turn down a chance to star in a major motion picture? None of the rolls (roles) were good enough.
My son asked me how often planes crash
Usually just once
What do hydras fear the most?
Dehydration!
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