Why are 40 romans funny?
Because they are XD.
A motivated nut is a pecan. Because pe-can do anything.
Kiss me if I’m wrong, but dinosaurs still exist, right?
I should change my name to Billy and get a job as a radio show presenter.
Then I can finally be a Billy-on-air.
Why didn’t the hipster real estate agent show the ocean-side mansion?
It was too current.
Why couldn't I fry wood on the stove?
I used a non-stick pan.
Why did the mommy and daddy werewolves call their son “Camera”?
Because he was always snapping at things!
What do you call a otter that can pick up an elephant ? Sir!
What do you call an elderly Spanish man?
A senõr citizen.
I won a contest extracting the most water from a towel, I'm now known as the....
Lord of the Wrings.
Tie twine to three tree twigs.
What do you call a monkey who can’t keep a secret?
A blab-boon.
Have you heard about the gorilla who got a name change?
Peaches the gorilla escaped from the zoo, but when they got him back they had to change it because it turns out he had become an Ape Re-caught.
I told my boyfriend I'd missed the bus.
He asked me what I was trying to hit it with.
What would you get if you'd put a lawyer in a suit? A lawsuit.
Why did the boy keep his trumpet in the freezer?
Because he likes cool music...
Are Jellyfish sad that there are no Peanut Butter fish?
What does a heartbroken zombie say?
- I just want zombodie to love.
“My bowl of soup must be cracked as it is all wet down here”. “Well, I guess it is because your soup has a leek in it.
How does a napkin sneeze?
Tissue.
Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
I only have ice for you!
I can eat sugar with either hand, I'm ambidextrose.
Cooking always puts my wife in a bad mood...
She beats the eggs and whips the cream.
What eats laptops? Computer worms.
Why did the girl walk into the ice cream store with an umbrella?
She heard there were going to be sprinkles
Said to my husband I'm going to take a hot tub. He said...
"When are you going to put it back?"
What do you call a large colorful pile of leaves?
The Great Barrier Leaf.
What is a 2000 pound skeleton called
A skeleTon.
What do you call juice with no ice in it?
Ju.
What’s it like to be kissed by a vampire?
It’s a pain in the neck.
The Cuban main violinist's string snapped during a performance. Luckily, he got offered another violin by his American friend.
That day, another Fiddle Catastrophe was prevented.
Did you hear about the shoe factory that exploded?
Many soles were lost.
Witches are always wand-ering around…
Have you heard about the movie that involved haunted dairy items? I believe it is called Paranormal Activia.
I warned farmer Brown not to pamper that cow too much because it would wind up giving spoiled milk.
Some people stand up off the toilet before they flush, but I don’t
I don’t want to see that sh**!
The directions for my new dandruff shampoo are very confusing.
It's a real head-scratcher!
What happened when a man practiced archery near some stationary planes? They ended up very arrow-dynamic.
I asked my son to go get me a phone book. He laughed, called me a dinosaur, and handed me his iPhone.
The spider is dead, the iPhone screen is cracked, and my son is furious!
My cell phone got drunk.
It took too many screenshots.
Judging by the sounds, there’s an ogre staying in the hotel room above me.
Hopefully he shreks out tomorrow.
"I would make a skeleton joke, but you wouldn't find it very
humerus."
You shouldn’t put orange slices in your beer. Well, maybe once in a Blue Moon.
What do you think they use in space, when they run out of the drinking cups? The Big Dipper.
The sweetest and fruitiest historical wonder of the world is the Grape Wall of China.
Did you here about the croc with a serious drug addiction?
It was a crackodile.
My fridge stopped working...
Its not cool.
What do you call a snowman that tells tall tales?
A snow-fake!
Why did the skeleton start a fight?
He had a bone to pick.
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