Why can't chefs play baseball? They always get caught trying to steal a basil.
Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
The fisherman was playing his out-of-tune guitar.
Luckily he caught a Tuna
When I broke my brother's favorite toy, he turned absolutely red in anger.
What happened when the artist tried to draw a cube? He suffered from a mental block.
I wanted to catch a squirrel but I didn't know how.
So I decided to climb a tree and act like a nut.
Why do benched players always seem to look so wise? They don’t have to look like fools on the floor and entertain the crowds.
What do you call a girl who is standing directly in the middle of the court? Annette.
What did the sad lamp say when plugged in?
"I finally feel better now that I’ve got an emotional outlet."
What did the fans say to the band named after a famous chickpea spread?
Hummus a tune.
If a man is alone in the garden and speaks, and there is no woman to hear him, is he still wrong?
Don't use raw milk to make butter
It's not worth the whisk.
What animal can go into a tiger’s den and came out alive?
The tiger.
I recently broke up with my caterpillar girlfriend.
She'd changed.
What do you call children who are born in a whorehouse?
Brothel sprouts.
I used to think that all radios had antennae, then I realized it was a stereo type.
These aren't your mom's puns, these are your sisters puns. Tam-puns
In Ancient Greece, people who had beliefs contrary to the worship of Poseidon were executed for Heresea.
"You can't beat me."
The comedian ghost had everyone in stitches - he was dead funny.
"We found eggs in a hopeless place."
How do ghouls sign off a letter?
Best witches and worm regards.
When is a birthday cake like a golf ball?
When it’s been sliced.
How do you get from point A to point B?
Just take an x-y plane or a rhom’bus.
Why did the gnome take the subway to work?
Because a metro-gnome is always on time.
What do you call a lazy baby kangaroo?
A pouch potato.
What is a cat’s favorite horror movie? The Purrrge!
What did the Egyptian Pharaoh do when he got caught in traffic?
ANKH ANKH!!
Why should you swim in an ool instead of a pool?
Because there’s no “p” in it!
The owner of the inside inn was inside his inside inn with his inside outside his inside inn.
She was wheeled to the operating room, but then she underwent a change of heart.
My father quietly retired from his job as an eye glass manufacturer yesterday.
He didn’t want to make a spectacle.
What’s the biggest difference between Thanksgiving and April Fool’s Day?
On one you’re thankful but on the other you’re prankful.
Did you hear about the football player with the dirty mouth?
Yeah. He was an offensive lineman.
I spent last Christmas with a bunch of soft fruit. I kept getting confused with the toast – they were saying “Eat, drink and be cherry!”
Every single morning I get hit by the same bike.
It's a vicious cycle.
Where does a 2,000 pound gorilla sit?
Anywhere it wants to.
When does a medieval soldier sleep?
Knight time
Why do blind people hate diving?
It scares the hell out of their dogs.
When can a pizza marry a hot dog? After a very frank relationship.
The viking Rudolph the Red looked outside and proclaimed it was going to rain.
His wife asked him, “What makes you say that?”
He replied, “Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.”
This may be corny, but you are a-maize-ing.
My wife asked me why I bought a pear tree.
I told her "what, you told me to grow a pear."
I’ll have a crocodile sandwich please, and make it snappy!
My grandmother was famous all over town for growing delicious strawberries.
She made me promise that when she died, I would plant her strawberries on her grave so that people could enjoy them when they visited. When she passed away I fulfilled my promise. She’s dead and berried.
I got sick when I lost one of my ear buds.
It was mono.
Never date a Theater person...
... wayyy too much Drama...
How do venomous snakes kill their prey?
In cold blood.
What do you call an explosive horse?
Neigh-palm.
What do you call Mary J Blige’s accommodating Irish cousin?
Mary O’Blige.
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