It used to be free to fill up your car tires with air, now it costs $1.25. You know why?
Inflation.
Why do Communists only drink herbal tea? Because proper tea is theft.
My friend was going to a painting competition, so I wished him, "Grey the force be with you".
What did the metamorphic rock say during the test?
This is too much pressure!
What do you do if you find a black mamba in your toilet?
Wait until he’s finished.
Why did the deer get braces?
Because he had buck teeth.
Crooked teeth are criminal!
Luckily a few years behind bars usually straightens them out.
How do you get a squirrel to be your friend?
Act like a nut.
My friend was bragging that his new 3D printer can print a gun, but I’m not impressed.
I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
Whats green and can jump a mile a minute?
A frog with hiccups.
Why don’t people like grumpy vampires?
Because they have bat tempers.
What do you call a small mother in the UK?
Minimum
When my wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo,
I had to put my foot down.
How would you describe a stinky chemist?
Mole-odorous
My daughter asked me if I could put her hair in a bun. I said...
“I could but I think the baker might object”.
What separates humans from dolphins?
The surface of the water.
Q: What do you get when you cross a green mummy with a yellow mummy?
A: A golden moldy
What does Harry Potter use when sealing packages?
His Parceltongue.
What sound does a gnome make when he's eating dinner?
Gnome-gnome-gnom-gnom-gnom-nom-nom!
A muslim woman wanted to adopt a gorilla. Her husband wouldn't allow it.
He said, that's haram, bae.
My husband Ronnald asked me what do monkeys wear when cooking.
I said, "an aperon".
What did a viking said to the other after a dad joke?
Aesir what you did there.
How do French skeletons say hello?
- Bone-jour!
What did the kangaroo say while volunteering at the homeless shelter?
More-soup-y’all?
What did the orange do the night before the exam?
He put his nose to the “g-rind-stone” and read the entire textbook.
What did the ghost do at the red light? He came to a dead stop.
What do you call a duck with fangs?
Quackula.
What did the horse reply when asked if it can jump 3 feet?
“I lope so!”
What do you get when you cross a Tambourine with a Submarine?
The Salvation Navy
I loaf you.
I saw an ad for burial plots, and I thought: “That’s the last thing I need!”
Why did the skeleton have a broken heart?
His Boney lay over the ocean.
What did the thirsty mummy do?
They put on a thirst aid bandage.
Why does everyone paint Easter Eggs? Because it is a lot easier than wallpapering them.
What type of flooring do alligators have in their homes?
Rep-tiles.
It's a-boat time for a holiday!
What's a coffee's favorite karaoke song? Hit Me With your Best Shot.
What did one werewolf say when he saw his friend?
- Howl’s it going?
My wife won't let me become a bean farmer. Why won't she just let me work in peas!
I hope these Halloween puns don't drive you batty.
What do you call a rabbit that has fleas?
Bugs bunny.
Physics puns are no joke. It’s a relatively dark matter.
What kind of shorts do clouds wear? Thunderwear!
Why would the fruits beat the vegetables?
They have a better punch.
What do you call a lazy baby kangaroo?
A pouch potato.
Why are fish so smart Because they swim in schools!
Icy what you did there.
Why should anyone experiment with thin ice?
It’s the best way to achieve a major breakthrough.
How does a hen leave its house?
Through the eggs-it.
What cosmetic does DNA put on?
Genetic makeup.
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