What was the skeleton’s favorite Christmas candy?
Bone-bone.
I stumbled into a room where everyone's ears were missing.
I know it sounds EARy, but it wasn't.
When dad died he left me his Subaru.
It was his final Legacy.
My mom is really soup-rised at the outcome when she puts yeast in the broth.
Did you hear about the extremely serious gorilla?
He didn't monkey around.
What did the computer say to the other after a 16 hour car ride?
"That was a hard drive."
What do bread kids say during hide-and-seek?
Bready or not, here I crumb!
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs stuffed in your mailbox? Bill.
What do you call a singing laptop? A Dell.
A pessimistic pest exists amidst us.
I don't know what Dracula's address is, but I'm pretty sure he lives on a dead end street.
What did the zombie bank robber say to the cops?
- You'll never take me alive.
What do gnomes love to sing while gardening?
Gnome Worry, Bee Happy.
A woman is on trial for beating her significant other with a guitar. “First offender?” the judge asked.
“No” she replied. “First a Gibson , then a Fender”.
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I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail.
But apparently, you're not allowed to end a sentence with a proposition.
You feta have a gouda birthday.
The perfect name for a sad and morose strawberry is a blueberry.
Feeling my shelf.
What if the earth was both round and flat?
Would it be called cylindearth?
My local restaurant recently lost out on an entire order of the best local beef. No one has herd what happened to it.
What did the beaver say to the other beaver? I love you like no otter.
Did you see the movie about the hot dog? It was an Oscar Wiener.
What do you call a knight that jousts all the time
Sir Lance-alot
I have a serious love-heat relationship with summer.
Why do werewolves howl at the moon?
Because no one else will do it for them!
What jumps up and down in front of a car?
Froglights.
The word Gnome is a corruption of the Latin word Genomus or earth dweller.
In other words, it's a misgnomer.
What do you call it when a beautiful woman tries to trick you into giving her a pig?
A bae con.
I asked the Korean grocer for something to spice up my meals, but I think I got a raw dill.
I dressed up as a jousting lance for Halloween, but nobody got it.
I thought it was pretty straight forward.
What sound does a gnome make when he's eating dinner?
Gnome-gnome-gnom-gnom-gnom-nom-nom!
What do you call a man with no body and no nose?
Nobody knows
I think you're mer-mazing.
What was Valentine’s favorite dessert for the French cat?
Chocolate mousse
What did the Mountain lion say to the bathroom attendant?
Out of the way, I’m about to Puma pants!
What did the flower say when her son went off to college?
I be-leaf in you.
I am still trying to launch beef and cream out of a mushroom cannon. It is not stroganoff.
Did you hear what happened when the decorator painted his wife with cheese? He double Gloucester!
What's gray and furry on the inside and white on the outside? A mouse sandwich!
I asked the staff at my local garden center what to grow in my garden. They gave me some sage advice.
Why don’t oysters share their pearls? Oysters don’t share their pearls because they’re shellfish!
How do you make Pig Jerky?
Give them some coffee.
What’s a deer’s go-to ice cream flavor?
Cookie-doe.
Why are skeletons so good at telling jokes?
Because they have a funny bone.
My town always holds a contest to see which beer drinker's belly is biggest by seeing how far it goes past a line...
That's the paunch-line.
I got a new cell phone for my wife...
Pretty awesome trade if you ask me!
Vincent vowed vengeance very vehemently.
Where do you get frog's eggs?
At the spawn shop.
Q: How do you stop an angry tiger from charging?
A: Take away his credit cards.
The cold weather always comes towards the end of the year weather you like it or not.
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