What does a Turkish kid say to his mom when he needs to do chores in the summer:
I dont’t wanna do it, it’s sho warm ma!
I was at a funeral & asked the priest for the WiFi password
"Have some respect for the dead!" he said
I replied "Is that all lower case?"
What do you call Dragon with no silver?
A dron.
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You think dinosaurs are scary?
Imagine dragons!
What do you call two octopuses that look alike?
I-tentacle twins!
Where does a tiger sleep?
Anywhere he wants to!
Here’s my best advice for getting a job in the lotion industry:
Apply daily.
Octopus ocular optics.
I lost 90 pounds in 30 days on the juice diet
Every day I bought one juice for 3 pounds.
What do we call two thousand pounds of Chinese soup? It is called won – ton!
Which ghost is the best dancer? The Boogie Man.
What do you call a small mother in the UK?
Minimum
Did you hear about the geologist who went to jail?
He was charged with basalt and battery.
What's a lion's favorite color?
ROARange
What did they give former Flyers left-winger Brian when he successfully
bulked up? Massive Propps.
How do you ask a dinosaur to lunch? Tea Rex?
What is the only animal smarter than a talking parrot? A spelling bee!
Q: What was the pharaoh's favorite football team?
A: The Mummy Dolphins
Q: What do you call a gust of wind full of sand?
A: A rough draft
What do you call a clever monster?
Frank Einstein.
Putting on contacts without a mirror is hard
You just gotta eyeball it.
What did the realtor reply when I asked if he liked reading real estate magazines?
"Yes, I love reading them but only periodically".
I got a packet of onions from the supermarket yesterday. Somehow, by today, all of them have disappeared. Guess this is why the shopkeeper warned me not to buy Bermuda Onions.
I tried to milk my cow last night, but nothing I did seemed to work. It was an udder failure.
"Don't worry, be hoppy."
Why do interns make the best Dungeons and Dragons players?
They do it for the Experience.
What did Mr. and Mrs. Citrus name their daughter?
Carolime
What do you call a Spanish pig?
Porque.
What do you get when you put a saxophonist in a freezer?
Cool jazz.
What kind of doctor checks ghost poo?
A ghost-roenterologist.
What if someone made raisins with juice in them
That would be grape.
I left chess club early this week.
I was just so board.
What do you call a fly with no Wings?
A walk.
Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/4th.
I’m in such a Henri to get to France!
How did the little Scottish dog feel when he saw a werewolf?
Terrier-fied!
What type of noodles did the ancient Egyptian kings loved to eat? Ramen.
Will invisible airplanes ever be a thing?
I just can't see them taking off.
People don't believe me when I tell them I'm the lead singer in a Black Eyed Peas tribute band....
Well I am.
How do you split the ocean in half?
With a sea-saw.
Why was the tree doctor so good at his job? He could always get to the root of the problem.
I have a buddy who was recently hit by a bus, while promoting pedestrian safety.The surgeons had to replace all the joints in his left leg with metal.
I think it's safe to say he can appreciate the iron knee
It is a bad film because good ones tend to have created atop day-old soup.
What did the ghost do at the red light? He came to a dead stop.
A mountain biker was chased by a Grizzly this morning. He bearly made it.
What’s the difference between Jesus and pizza?
Jesus can’t be topped.
What is a parrot’s favorite game?
Hide and Speak!
It ain’t over till it’s clover.
Doctor Doctor I've broken my arm in four places.
Docter: Well stop going to those 4 places then!
I stole two sofas from death, but I wasn’t ready for the reaper cushions.
Whose music do elves like the most?
Elf-is Presley.
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