I found my friend using a round-edged knife to cut his steak
it wasn't really sharp of him.
I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct terms are “Cremation” and “Burial”.
The snuggle is real.
hat did the pizza slicer say when he wanted to rob the pizza?
“Hand over the dough or I’ll cut you!”
Turtles keep on winning battles because they are perfect at shelling their enemies.
Flamingos are great at social events; they flamingle really well.
What do you call a skeleton who goes to school but doesn’t do any work?
Lazy bones.
What country do cows love to visit?
Moo Zealand.
Last evening I walked up the hill in the park to see the planets. Stumbled over a lip in the concrete and went down pretty hard. Ripped pants and skinned hands and knees. When I got to the top I couldn't see a thing.
The view was NOT worth the trip.
Why is Frankenstein such good fun?
Because he soon has you in stitches.
What do you call two crows flying together?
An attempted murder
The artist shouldn't have taken that sculpture for granite, now it's stone-cold.
Why do Dachshunds nap in the sun?
Because they’re hot dogs.
Last week, I met someone who specialized in the studies of shrubs and grasses. He called himself Neil De-grass-y Tyson!
There is nothing impaws-sible if you’re as brave as a tiger!
The guy who invented the door knocker got a no-bell prize.
"Are you sure about this?"
"Crust me, I'm on a roll."
How do you know when a cheese is full of himself?
Whatever you say, he’ll say he is feta.
The Queen of the Nile was said to always show a bit of leg...
but Nefertiti.
Bake big batches of bitter brown bread
A medieval lawyer lost his license and became instead an insult musician for taverns...
His stage name "Diss-Bard"
It's pretty obvious, that if you run in front of a moving car, you will get tired. But if you run behind it..
..do you just get exhausted ?
What do you call a bear that jumps but never lands?
Peter Panda.
What were the ponies most excited for in the meal?
The main horse.
What is a bear’s favorite soda?
Coca Koala.
What do you call a fashionable, but judgmental monster who howls at the moon?
A What Not To Wear-Wolf.
Why do pandas like old movies?
Because they’re in black and white.
What kind of cheese do alcoholics eat?
Livarot.
You sleigh me.
Where do Astronauts go to the bathroom?
Where no one has gone before.
What do you call a bear with a bad attitude?
The bearer of bad news.
I usually prefer cold weather, but only to a certain degree.
What did the kid nut say to the other when playing tag? “I’m going to cashew”.
What happened when the koala tripped and fell in a crowded restaurant? He got embearassed.
Mother always knows best. But when winter comes around, Mother Nature snows best.
What did the evaporating raindrop say?
I’m going to pieces.
I tripped over a floor tile in the bathroom today. Got out alright, but it's safe to say...
I got floored.
Take a page from the book and leaf.
When I broke my brother's favorite toy, he turned absolutely red in anger.
What did the pig say on a hot summer’s day?
I’m bacon!
What do Egyptian Pharaoh's and sandwich filling have in common?
They're both in bread.
This year for Valentine's day I got my wife the ace of hearts and packets of corn flour, rice flour and self raising flour
She wasn't happy. Apparently it wasn't what she meant when she said she just wanted a card and flowers.
As I was preparing to leave the restaurant, the waiter said to me, “Do you wanna box for your leftover food?”
I said, “No thanks, but I’ll wrestle you for them.”
Did you hear about the colorful sea cow?
Oh the hue-manatee!!!
Why did Comic Sans divorce Times New Roman? He just wasn’t her type.
What did the rock say to the word processor?
Boulder.
I hate how all my fairy photographs have really bad quality.
They’re all so pixielated.
Forget about watermelons, I heard having a windmelon your property is the best way to get clean and renewable electricity.
What did the art teacher say to the aspiring actress? You sure look the art.
What did the ice-cream say to the unhappy birthday cake? "What's eating you?"
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