What do you get when you cross a ghoul and a vampire?
A hemogoblin.
Rabbits are trying to eat away my old Toyota!
Mechanic said it could be car rot.
eople say they never get hungry at the beach
That’s because there’s sand, which is everywhere.
What happened when a clumsy sommelier tried to decant a bottle of fine wine?
Things went pour-ably wrong.
What's faster - lightning, light, or diarrhea?
Diarrhea. Because I ran like lightning to the bathroom, turned on the light, but the diarrhea was already there.
Seven days without a pun makes one weak.
I know a family of artists but I am not sure how they make so much money...
Very sketchy people.
Why don’t you see penguins in Britain?
Because they’re afraid of Wales.
Which side of a penguin has the most feathers?
The outside.
What did mutter say to paneer? Tu cheese badi hai mast mast.
What is a Ghost’s favourite toy to play with? Leg-oooooooooooooooo!
True house cleaners aren't just born
They're maid.
Yo momma so fat...
She can't even fit into her Birthday Suit.
How do you catch a unique tiger?
Unique up on it.
How do you catch a tame tiger?
Tame way.
What did the Pharaoh tell the man who tried to sell him a pyramid? "Well, that's the last thing I need."
Which Nordique great has recurring ligament problems? Peter Spaz-knee!
Why do mother kangaroos hate rainy days?
Because then the kids have to play indoors.
Sherlock Holmes was doing some gardening, Watson asked what he was planting. He replied “A lemon tree, my dear Watson”.
Why don't skeletons have a mobile? They don't have any body to talk to.
Q. What is a gorilla's favorite movie?
A. Planet of the Apes.
A quadriplegic man became famous playing beautiful piano classics with only his nose, ears, chin, and forehead.
Before going on stage to perform, his tour manager would say, "Alright John. It's time to face the music."
What do Ghosts say when they are impressed? - That was spectre-cular!
What does Santa Claus say when he flies through a rainbow? Hue hue hue, merry Christmas!
What do rocks eat?
Pom-a-granites.
My friend has just won the tallest Christmas tree competition
I thought to myself, 'How can you top that?
What do you call a polar bear in Florida?
A solar bear.
How do you catch an electric eel?
You can catch an electric eel with a lightning rod!
After making love the other night, I told my spouse that I love when the whisper sweet things in my ear...
So my spouse leaned in close and whispered..."Syrup."
There are 2 unwritten rules for a successful marriage.
1: . 2: .
Q: Why didn't the Pharaoh know where he was?
A: He skipped history class.
Because the platypus both lays eggs and produces milk,
It is one of the few animals that can make its own custard.
What does a hunter do with a basketball?
He shoots it.
Why did the ghoul eat a light bulb?
Because it wanted a light snack!
My wife was just recently diagnosed with colorectal cancer and now has surgery scheduled to remove a couple of inches of her colon. I expect her grammar will improve as a result.
Because she's going to have to learn how to use a semicolon.
Q: What did the Pharaoh do when he needed help moving his gold?
A: He hired-a-glyphics.
What did one of Frankenstein’s ears say to the other?
I didn’t know we lived on the same block.
“The North Pole doesn’t import goods because it’s Elf Sufficient.”
Scientists permit us to see the sun in different light.
Why does algebra make you a better dancer?
Because you can use algo-rhythm.
What happens to Egyptian girls who forget to take their pills?
They become mummies.
Wear green, or leaf.
Recently I visited Germany. I hated everything in there. The people, the history, the language. But, oh god, the smell.
It was the wurst.
Why do referees always hurry to catch their next flight? Because it's "two
minutes 'fore boarding!"
Where do robots go for fun?
The circuits.
My brother just admitted that he broke my favourite lamp.
I'm not sure I'll be able look at him in the same light ever again
I’m never board when I’m at the pool.
What did the Mexican wrestler say after he ate a taco that was too spicy?
“It’s okay, I’ll just guac it off”
Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
because it felt crumby.
What will you do when you will see a spaceman? You will simply park your car, man!
Why did the monk meditate with a light bulb? He hoped it would help him to reach enlightenment.”
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