What do you call a witch's spotless garage?
A broom closet.
Herb your enthusiasm.
Why is it cheap to feed polar bears?
Because they live on ice only.
What was one raindrop overheard saying to another? Two's company, three's a cloud.
Why can you tell that Theresa May failed physics?
She had power and time but didn't get the work done.
Why did the hipster throw away his calculus book?
He found it too derivative.
How much fur can you get from a dinosaur ? As fur as you can get!
Q: How do clouds keep in touch with each other?
A: Using sky-pe.
When the orange started peeling, he was glad it was finally cutting some weight.
Don't drink too much coffee after breakfast. You might face a latte problems.
I couldn't go out because of the blizzard. So I had to eat storm-ed buns for dinner.
For years, my brother wanted to be an archeologist...
But ten years in, his career lies in ruins.
I was opening up all the vents in our house. My wife didn't understand why.
"You may think that's eVENTfull. You'll undestand why I do this eVENTually"
What did the monochrome say to the rainbow?
Oh no! My arch nemesis!
Did you hear about the two spiders who just got engaged? I hear they met on the web."
When the librarian bumped her head, she had no one to blame but her shelf.
Potatoes that are medi-tators maintain calm and peace even when uprooted.
What do you call someone who rips up books?
A tear-orist.
What does a deer say when it prays to the god?
“Deer God!”
Why don’t tigers like fast food?
Because they can’t catch it!
How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Caesars.
What happened to the criminal magician who ate to much salt?
Cardiac arrest.
What do you call the Halloween costume contest winner? Mummy of the year.
What’s a vampire's favorite fruit?
A neck-tarine.
My wife says she wants to order a glass of wine during our Valentine’s Day dinner.
She says she loves being carded.
How can you tell that a blondes been baking chocolate chip cookies? Theres M&M shells all over the floor.
Have you heard about that socially awkward chef that only cooks with snake meat?
I’m pretty sure he has Asp burgers.
Flat-Earthers hate the fact our planet is spherical, whereas Asgard is flat.
It's a Thor subject for them.
What does the zombie say to her zombie crush?
- Are you going to kiss me or rot?
The couple who married during autumn lived apple-ly ever after!
What do you call a group of guys waiting to get their hair cut?
A Barbecue.
What did one Viking war paint say to the other?
Poly, you're a Thane.
I just got back from Dubai where I was offered 40 camels for my wife.
I usually smoke Marlboro but hey... a deal's a deal.
What did one sushi roll say to the other sushi roll?
I’m soy into you.
What did the therapist say to the pineapple? Look on the bright side.
Why did the farmer put his cow on the scales?
He wanted to see how much the milky weighed.
What do you call a turtle who takes up photography?
A snapping turtle.
Is plate throwing a trully Olympic sport?
Discuss.
What is a skeleton's favorite musical instrument?
The xylobone.
What is the difference between a saxophone and a lawnmower? Vibrato.
What do you call a group of butchers coming together? A meating.
How do deer clean their feet?
Hoof paste.
Car Salesman: And if you don't like this color, we have another one in "Boulder Gray"
Me: Gray isn't very bold to begin with, how did you make it bolder?
What did the skeleton say to the French soldier? Bone Jaw
Who did Frankenstein take to the prom?
His ghoul friend.
A guy walks into a bar carrying a pair of jumper cables and sets them down on the bar.
The bartender said: "Now don't you start anything!"
What keeps ghouls happy?
The knowledge that every shroud has a silver lining!
What do you call a sheep with a machine gun?
Lambo.
Why was McGruff the Crime Dog ejected from the football game?
He was called for unnecessary gruffness!
“What would you get if you ate the Christmas decorations? Tinselitis.”
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