What did Papa cabinet advise to his Son cabinet before his first date?
"Just be youshelf"
Anything is popsicle during summer!
Why can't a pirate count Roman numerals?
They got lost at C
Why did all the passengers on the right side of the ship have dead cell phones?
They weren’t on the port side of the ship.
Ancient Romans considered vomitoriums a good place to un-wine.
So Chanel is making a new perfume made entirely of rain water.
It’s called the Weather Chanel.
What do you call it when you get a month’s worth of rain at once?
England.
Yule be sorry.
Soup is only musical when it is piping hot.
In the history class, the onion teachers taught the student onions that during the vegetable cold war, the Soviet Onion was a superpower.
What did the Teddy Bear say after blowing out his birthday candles? No cake for me…I’m stuffed
I lost my kid in the kitchenware section of Ikea today.
It was a pans labyrinth.
Why aren’t skeletons good at poker?
You can see right through them.
What do polite whales always say?
You’re whale-come.
Did you see the movie about the hot dog? It was an Oscar Wiener
Why won’t crocodiles attack lawyers?
Professional courtesy!
What did the Inuit say to to Englishman After he wanted some seal?
"I've got Nunavut."
How do you know a flmaingo has stolen your shoes?
Only one shoe is missing.
Why doesn’t anyone invite an ice cream cone to their party?
They’re a drip.
What do you call a funnel shaped storm made of ketchup?
A tormato.
Did you hear about the flower who gave an ultimatum to her husband?
She told him once and floral.
Why do turtles never forget?
Because they have turtle recall.
What is a tornado's favorite Elton John song? Candle in the Wind!
What is serial killer Buffalo Bill's favorite fast food restaurant?
Chick Fillet.
Oh laundry, sometimes I feel like our first president...
Because I am washing-a-ton.
We are thinking of spending the night at the peach house, by the shore.
Why was the sapling crying to her mom? She said the big trees wouldn’t leaf her alone.
Q; What’s the difference between origami and grandpa passing wind?
A: One is the art of the fold, the other, the fart of the old.
Did you guys see the cow with facial hair?
It has a moo-stache.
My doctor told me that his job is easy because he can heal all of his patients with trigonometry.
He has a sinecure.
My wife tried to claim she was a night owl.
She was lying though, because when I tried to turn her head through 270 degrees, her neck snapped.
Why was Officer Peanut Butter out in the road? Because he was directing a traffic jam.
He couldn't get over his dead wife, so he got a new computer
Now he can processor.
Newscaster Dad: And now, here is John with the weather.
Weatherman: It’s Jim, actually.
Newscaster: My apologies. Here’s John with the Jim.
I don't like strong perfumes...
I guess I'm inscentsitive.
Where do cows write down their most intimate thoughts? Inside of their dairy.
Why are bones so calm?
Nothing gets under their skin.
I went to my kid's school for an art exhibition
It was paper view.
Have you ever tried sticking a fork in a socket?
The results may shock you
What fish only swims at night?
A starfish.
Even as unicorn parents, you always want to control the internet unless you want your foals checking
out uniporn all day.
Seven days without a pun makes one weak.
Q: What do you call it when it rains chickens and ducks?
A: Fowl weather.
Would you mind watching my pet parrot while I’m out, as long as it’s not too much of a birden?
What do you call Santa living at the South Pole? A lost clause.
Eat, drink and be rosemary.
Tobacco companies have made an orange flavored cigarette. They call it “Nico-tang”
I can’t remember who it’s by, but you could have “It Started With A Hershey’s Kiss”.
So, if I heat my solid state hard drive until it becomes a gaseous state hard drive
Would that mean I'm doing cloud computing?
I'm starting a death metal band for people with Celiac's Disease
We're called "Gluten for Punishment."
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