What's brown and sticky? A stick.
Where do crabs invest their money?
A sea bank.
What time should I book the court? Let’s shoot for around tennish.
I’m opening a grocery store that specializes in Swiss cheese and donuts.
I’m calling it Hole Foods.
The graphic designer's present company gave her a substantial raise while a rival company also gave a similar offer. I am now caught in hue minds!
[Water Slide] I was going to get some work done, but I decided to let it slide.
Where do Egyptians seal away their drugs?
In a narcophagus.
How do you wash a horse?
On a sponge-line.
What did one crow say to the other after the party?
We were raven.
My wife tried to claim she was a night owl.
She was lying though, because when I tried to turn her head through 270 degrees, her neck snapped.
How does Reese eat her ice cream?
Witherspoon.
What do you call an ant that doesn’t sink?
Bouy-ant.
Who were the original transformers? Vampire bats!
Soviet goaltenders got their hair cut at Vladislav's Tress-shack.
A friend asked what an acorn is. I said, “In a nutshell, it’s an oak tree.”
How do you tell the difference between a violinist and a dog?
The dog knows when to stop scratching.
A cow not being on the grill for very long is a rare occurrence.
What keeps ghouls happy?
The knowledge that every shroud has a silver lining!
Why are shovels, trowels, and spades so common in down-to-earth novels and movies?
Because they're plot devices.
What do you give a horse that has just won the Kentucky Derby? An Appletini.
What is the best way to make gold soup? By adding 22 carrots in it.
Why were medieval people from Mexico such good engineers? This is because they learned in Aztech!
I just broke my wife’s favorite perfume bottle, she’s gonna be fuming!
Which sports team do wine lovers always root for?
The Reds!
What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud.
"You're a real good egg."
The last time I wanted to go bowling, all the pins were on strike. So I just stayed at home and watched TV instead.
What did the father ant said to his son when they moved to France from America?
Son, we are now Europeants!
What did the egg say to the boiling water?
I might have some trouble getting hard, I just got laid this morning!
Did you hear about the broadcasters in the aeroplane?
They're on air now
My friend called and said he was sick of his fireplace exhaust vent...
Sounds like another case of the flue.
What do mermaids wash their fins with?
Tide.
Why an astronaut can be said similar to a football player? They both strive for touchdowns!
Well, you have to hand it to relay runners, don't you?
What happened when the dog ate a firefly?
He smiled with de-light
Say what you want about waiters, but I think they bring a lot to the table.
Knock Knock!
Who is there?
Ears.
Ears who?
Ears one more beaver joke for you.
A parishioner at my church broke into the holy water tank and splashed some on his infant daughter, saying, "your are hereby baptized!"
That's just not rite.
Why can’t people without feet have dairy products? They lactose.
When the pig had a quarrel with his wife, he ended up having a gilt trip.
What did Sophocles call his dating service in Ancient Greece?
Oedipal Arrangements.
How can you tell a train just went by? A. You can see it’s tracks!
You wanna know the way to my heart?
A scalpel and a bone saw.
What's green and has wheels? Grass, I lied about the wheels.
A storefront that boasts a fruit pun, just peachy.
What do teachers drink at school? Facul-Tea.
I aorta tell my wife how much I love her.
What is a deer’s favorite place to get breakfast?
Dunkin’ Doe-nuts!
What do you call a kid who doesn't believe in Santa? A rebel without a Claus.
What do you call an ant with five pairs of eyes?
Ant-ten-eye.
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