The scientist was meticulous about his strawberry pies. He rounded up the protein content of his pie at 3.14.
Why are men like coffee? The best ones are rich, hot, and can keep you up all night!
What do baristas say to their least-favorite customers? You mocha me crazy.
My kid asked why I named our WiFi "ship"?
But that's how everything syncs.
What kind of magic does a love-struck giraffe practice?
Neck-romance-y.
I don’t know why everyone is so upset about untraditional family structures, it’s been happening in the animal world for years. For example, all water buffalos have three parents.
One oxygen buffalo and two hydrogen buffalos.
Stores are running out of toilet paper again.
They’re wiped out.
When do chickens go to bed?
Half past hen!
How do you kiss someone at the end of the world?
On the apoca-lips.
A tiger lost a storytelling competition recently as he has only got one tail.
This special peach school is for those Peach kids who are suffering from peach and hearing impairment.
What is the capital of Greece?
G.
The mummy was very sore from lying down for years. So he called a Cairo-practor.
What do you call it when cephalopods start becoming more strict about things?
Kraken down.
Not every legume can be a nut.
But a pea can.
Whoever discovered calculus sounded a bit derivative.
What did the rock say after it rolled into a tree? Nothing because rocks can’t talk.
One of my friends got lost while touring Tokyo. Turns out it was all Ja-plan.
The strawberry went out with the grape only because he couldn't find a date.
Who was the biggest prankster in George Washington's army?
Laugh-ayette!
My priest fired me from playing guitar with the choir.
Apparently it’s blasphemous to play a Gsus2 chord.
I don’t know if I got hit by freezing rain but it sure hurt like hail.
How does a turtle feel after being electrocuted?
Shell-shocked.
I yam always very happy to eat sweet potatoes.
Is this a science class? Because we have great chemistry.
What is the first thing that bats learn at school? The alphabat.
What did the ear of corn say when all of its clothes fell off?
Awe shucks!
What was wrong with the deer’s smile?
He had buck teeth.
How does a Snowman get to work?
By icicle.
Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, “Is the bar tender here?”
Why are Scandinavians the fastest runners in the world?
Because they start out near the Finnish line.
I knew a submarine sailor who wasn't very talkative or energetic
He was a subdued sub dude.
Why did the larger car go first?
It had the right of weigh.
What do you call a snake that informs the police?
A grass snake.
Why did the tricycle not hang out with the bicycles?
It felt like a third wheel
Are you a beaver? ‘Cause dam.
Julius Caesar
But Julius is too shy to talk to her
Our daughter eats her corn one kernel at a time.
She's a unicorn.
I had to unclog my sink today.
I found it to be very draining.
"That's all, yolks."
What type of motorcycle do London Plane trees like to ride? Treeumph.
I saw a headline in the newspaper that said someone made a bomb out of nitrous oxide.
This is no laughing matter.
Why would a cow want to go to space? To see the Milky Way.
I like dillos, but do not support giving them guns.
I would never armadillo.
Everyone was spot on, you really did make a great theatre lighting tech.
What did the orange say when a knife pierced it’s peel? Flesh wound.
What is a car’s favourite band?
Van Halen.
How did the beaver build the insides of a dam using logs? He logged in.
Who’s a llama’s favorite actor?
Al Pacacino.
The baker taught his apprentice that to make a good pie one needs to bake it to pie-fection!
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