Why are trees the best frenemies? They are great at throwing shade.
What do gnomes love to sing while gardening?
Gnome Worry, Bee Happy.
What do fruits look for at a talent show? A berry that can really cherry a tune.
In the dark ages, the knights had to attend a special type of school. It was the Knight School.
If H20 is water, then what is H204? It’s for drinking, washing and swimming, of course!
How does a horse drink wine?
With a de-canter.
Many gardeners suffer from hay fever. Isn’t that news a pollen?
What is Whitney Houston's favorite kind of lettuce?
Ennnnnnndddiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiivvvee.
I said to her, are going to eat that whole plate of spaghetti??
She said: no, it's in pasta bowl
Two goats are married, living on a farm. Billy Goat says, "I really want children. Let's make some babies."
Betty Goat responds, "Heck no. No baby goats for me..."
"I'm not kidding."
Why did the police arrest the star? That’s becuase it was a shooting star.
What’s the difference between mashed potatoes and pea soup?
Anyone can mash potatoes.
The team’s star basketball player decided to remain at home the entire weekend. He didn’t want to be called out for travelling.
Thinking about selling my crab so i could make money. Then I realised "am I really this shellfish"?
My love for you sprouts more and more everyday!
The student asked the teacher, “Cashew a question?”, and the teacher replied, “Nut now”.
Man: "I’ve had really bad gas lately." Doctor: D"on’t worry, it will pass."
How did Michael Jackson revolutionize cooking in space?
Moon Wok!
I drank alot of alcohol at the airport last night.
I now have a terminal hangover.
What is the poshest breed of dog?
A Cavalier King Charles Spaniel.
Why did the mushroom need time off work? Because he was fried.
What happens when you blend sulfur, tungsten and silver together? SWAG.
Having been thrown out of cartoon art school, he was in suspended animation.
Have you heard about the new meat that’s taking the world by storm? It’s a cross between a cow and a chicken. They call it “roost beef”.
How come the mummy doesn't want a telephone? Because he always gets too wrapped up on his calls.
What kind of work do pigs do after school?
Hamwork.
Why are pickles in sandwiches always so polite?
They're well-bread.
The snow leopard appeared just at the time our guide predicted it. It appeared white on time!
Why are cherries unassuming? Because they often get made into humble pie.
What does a ghost panda eat?
BamBOO!
A friend asked what an acorn is. I said, “In a nutshell, it’s an oak tree.”
I find you very a-peeling.
What do you get if you cross a mouse with a Triceratops? Enormous holes in the base boards.
If you see a wasp, don't kill it. Let it bee.
How do you apologize to a koala? BEAR your heart and soul.
Each time the cow escaped, the farmer would find him hiding in Moo York City.
Why did some cardinals get their feathers ruffled?
The Pope gave away the church’s nest egg to the poor.
When is an MLB ballpark the hottest?
After all the fans have left.
I had a nasty crash with a truck carrying construction equipment the other day. It really hit me like a ton of bricks.
What's the difference between a head of lettuce and a unicorn?
One is a funny beast, and the other is a bunny feast!
A child was bored out of his mind. His mother told him that they are going to the laundry mat and the child said "that is the most boring place on earth."
Then the mother said, "Come on, it will be loads of fun."
What do you give a sick penguin?
Tweetment.
I heard this pun about a cheese grater the other day...
It was a grate joke.
I’ve been told that I need to stop making puns about meat… But I just can’t stop cold turkey.
Changed all my passwords to Kenny.
Now all I have are Kenny Loggins.
How do two cherries make up after an argument? They cherry the hatchet.
Why did the bus driver take a long break? He needed a wheel-y good rest!
What did the evaporating raindrop say?
I’m going to pieces.
Got my new blender yesterday but I can't tell if I like or not though...
It keeps giving me mixed results.
Vampires love corny jokes and puns. I don't think they're funny, but it's probably to do with them being pun-dead.
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