Why was the computer late to work? Because it had a hard drive!
Dad: Where do desert nomads buy their camels?
Son: I dunno. Where?
Dad: at Camelot.
I couldn't tell if the dog truly had to poop or if he was just faking it to go outside.
Turns out he was full of s**t.
If a black bug bleeds black blood, what color blood does a blue bug bleed?
My decision to become a Hindu was a missed steak
What part of the brain deals with knowledge about plants?
The treefrontal cortex.
I accidentally mixed up the words 'Jacuzzi' and 'Yakuza' online.
Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese Mafia.
What's the most musical cut of chicken? The drumstick!
Where do werewolf go if their tails fall off?
A re-tail store.
What is a potato’s life philosophy? I think, therefore I yam.
What did they call Dracula after his team won the big game?
The Champire.
I keep thinking I'll make breakfast pancakes, but I end up waffling.
There is a higher chance of being struck by lightning than to be killed in a shark attack.
Shocking isn't it.
What did the mother brain say to her oldest child when it was bothering her youngest child?
It didn't want to get brain-washed.
Why wouldn’t the papa bear use a navigation system in his truck?
Because he never lost his bearings.
What happened to the football team that practiced in a corn field?
They got creamed!
I just built a car out of a washing machine.
I’ll be taking it for a spin later.
Why did the whisky divorce the glass?
Their marriage was on the rocks!
What’s an avocado’s favorite music?
Guac ‘n’ roll.
I wouldn't trust medieval executioners in today's world.
They are prepared to kill people, simply to get a head.
Whale, hello there.
Someone asked me to sing a line from "Don't go breaking my heart"
I couldn't if I tried.
Why did the computer leave the restroom crying?
It said, "it hurts when IP."
What did the evaporating raindrop say?
I’m going to pieces.
I found out yesterday that the Mexican dish ghosts like the most is a boo-ritto.
What did the WiFi router say when it was unplugged?
"Tell my wifi love her
Why did the skeleton go to church?
Because it didn’t have any organs.
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius, but his brother Frank...
Was a monster!
Q: What’s red and goes up and down, up and down?
A: A cherry in a lift.
Just received Areal Flood Advisory notification on my phone
I should hope it's a real one, the fake ones are just annoying.
What did one plate say to his friend? Tonight, dinner’s on me!
Why are Ghosts so lonely? They have nobody to lean on.
Why wouldn’t the Pharaoh let the Hebrews go?
He was in ‘de Nile.
What did the vampire say to the vampire hunter that missed his heart.
Well wasnt that an unfortunate missed-stake.
Irish I had another Guinness to drink.
They say March comes in like a lion and goes out like a lamb. Ewe might say it leaves sheepishly.
Julius Caesar ordered pizza for the senate at Theatre of Pompey
Casca: How could you not order enough pizza for everyone?
Julius: But there was enough for everybody to have a slice...
Brutus: I ate 2 slices.
Julius: ATE TWO, BRUTE?
I cant use the urinals when there's a person next to me, I get pee-er pressure
Why did the electrician marry his colleague? He couldn’t resistor.
Why do cows eat grass?
I mean, someone has to moo the lawn.
I thought, I thought of thinking of thanking you.
Wife is frying a lot of mushrooms in a tiny pan.
Me: Doesn't look like you have mushroom left in there.
Two fruit flies are out for dinner.
I'm really enjoy this date...”
“Yeah, but it’s only half rotten.”
What side does the zebra have the most stripes on?
The outside.
Why are giraffes so slow to apologize?
Because it takes them a long time to swallow their pride.
I've decided to stop being a fork and become a spoon.
I just woke up one day and didn't see the point anymore.
What do you call a gray animal with big ears and a large trunk?
A traveling mouse.
What do you call a chicken that was struck by lightning?
Air fried.
Where do horses get their weaves from?
Mane.
Have you ever heard of mushroom cars? Well, they have an interesting sound which goes line shroom shroom!
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