I applied to be a sperm donor recently and the nurse asked me if I could masturbate in the cup.
I told her I’ve done it a few times before but I don’t know if I’m ready to compete in a tournament.
Did you hear about the two silk worms in a race?
It ended in a tie.
How do you hold a bat?
By the wings.
What do you call a pig that drives around recklessly?
A road hog.
I accidentally kicked my bed post when I got up this morning, almost couldn't move!
Luckilly, I called a toe truck.
Golfer: The doctor says I can’t play golf.
Caddie: Oh, he’s played with you, too, eh?
What do you get when you cross a human and a pear?
A pear-son.
Why do workers at the dairy factory always need a charger? Their milk is stuck at 1%.
What is the first thing that gorillas learn at kindergarten?
Apey Cee's?
How do turtles communicate with each other?
With shell phones.
Why did the pig become an actress? Because she was a real ham!
What do you call a dinosaur that smashes everything in its path? Tyrannosaurus wrecks.
I don't use shampoo when I wash my hair.
I'm a man - I use real poo.
Did you hear about the restaurant they built on the moon?
The food is good but it lacks atmosphere.
What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef jerky.
Shopping at the music store, my friend had to settle for a fiver saxophone ...
They couldn't afford a tenor.
A young man had just returned home from culinary school and was telling his family about everything he had learned.
"The most interesting thing I learned was about the French Fry", he told them.
"Combing through historical records, we found that it was not first fried in France!"
His family was astounded, and asked where it was fried originally.
"In Grease, of course."
Where do the astronauts park their vehicles? At the parking meteors.
What do you call meat balls falling from the sky? A meat-ior shower.
What’s the suns favorite clothes brand?
Kelvin Klein.
My sister just bought a set of odorless perfumes.
It doesn’t make any scents.
What’s the coolest part of a skeleton?
The hip.
What do you call a Vegetarian with diarrhea? A Salad Shooter.
Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip?
To get to the same side.
Did you hear about the Spanish ocean?
Si.
Why did the volleyball player have ropes and shoe strings? They wanted to tie the score.
What do you call a chair in a suit?
A tuxSEATo
What’s the name of the rabbit who stole from the rich and gave to the poor? Rabbit Hood.
Bowlers pay a lot of money to play. This is because it is a bum per lane.
I just heard that the government has made an amendment to lockdown to allow Father Christmas out...
It's called the Santa Clause
What type of key opens a banana?
A monkey.
I went to an Easter party as a Jesus cosplayer
I told them I was a crossplayer.
Why do thespians have great hair? They want the perfect part.
What does the birch like to study in school? Chemistree.
What do you call a shrimp hit by a car?
Road krill.
Why did bulb pack an apple in his bag?
He wanted to have a light snack.
You have to act quickly during a flood because it's an emergent sea.
What do baseball players eat at White Castle?
Sliders.
Alligators can live up to 100 years…
Which is why there’s a chance that they will see you later.
What kind of work do pigs do after school?
Hamwork.
Why do neurons like e-mail?
The love messages.
What did the ice-cream say to the unhappy birthday cake? "What's eating you?"
How did the octopuses win the football match?
Ten tackles
What does a horse do when it smells rotten seafood?
It scallops outta there.
What did the brain say after it got an electrical shock?
"This was a stimulating experience."
There are more planes in the ocean than there are submarines in the sky
This much is plane to sea
What is a lightyear?
The same as a regular year, but with less calories.
What did the thrifty man say when he got his phone bill? "Who says talk is cheap?"
What is a bat’s favorite dessert?
Pineapple upside-down cake.
I want to start gardening, but I haven’t botany plants.
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