When the proposal of building a parking lot was given to Richard III, he told said, "Over my dead body."
Why do winos love cheap wine puns?
Because wine snobs hate them!
What is most gorillas' favorite book to study in English class at high school?
The Apes Of Wrath.
You want to hear the best rock puns?
Give me a moment and I’ll dig something up.
Why wasn’t the giraffe invited to the party?
He was a pain in the neck.
What did the deer’s mother say to her daughter on her birthday?
“I remember the day you were fawn!”
I thought I checkmated my dad with my new glass set in chess...
But he saw right through it
Wholey-grain! You really bread my mind!
It’s raining cats and dogs today - I just hope it doesn’t rain deer!
One of my ancestors was once hired by Henry VIII to teach his son to play the trumpet
He was a Tudor tooter tutor.
Seven days without playing soccer can make one weak.
How did Reese eat her soup? Witherspoon.
The sweetest and fruitiest historical wonder of the world is the Grape Wall of China.
How do you know your dehydrated? You can hear your red blood cells crenating.
What do you call a mislabeled orange juice container?
Pulp fiction.
My wife bought me a scalp massager for Christmas, but I couldn't figure out what it was.
Turns out it was a real head scratcher.
What do you get when you throw a hand grenade into a French bathroom?
Linoleum Blownapart.
Say this aloud: Eye Yam Stew Peed
What’s a salesman’s favorite Scripture passage?
The Great Commission
I hate spring cleaning.
Darn things bounce all over the place.
Why was the sedimentary rock so cheap? It was always on shale.
I’ve always followed in my father’s footsteps until today.
He turned around and said, “STOP!”
Dad fertilized the garden with corn starch.
The plot thickens.
---
What do you call mountain climbing corn?
Mountain-ears.
What do cars have on toast.
Butter and traffic jam.
Guess what I got my toilet for its birthday?
A Urinal cake.
I once tried crossing a flamingo with a cement mixer. Sounds crazy, but I really wanted a good brick layer.
What goes dot, dot, dash, squeak? Mouse code!
Why can you never use a serve receive pattern against a sniper? They’d all start running for cover.
How can we tell the difference between a can of beef soup and a can of pork soup? Just read the labels.
What did the Dalmatian say when he finished his meal?
That really hit the spot.
My roommate keeps taking my water bottle out of the refrigerator.
It's not cool man.
What does a deer call her boyfriend?
Cari-boo.
What do you call an overly cautious cup of tea?
Uncertaintea.
What did Jay-Z call his wife before they got married?
Feyonce.
Why wasn't the archaeologist interested in girls?
Because he only dated mummies.
How do you keep food warm in the refrigerator?
Keep it in the corner, because it is 90 degrees.
A stoner, a Jedi and a surgeon walk into a bar.
Blunt force trauma.
Wind turbines don’t talk about much. They just shoot the breeze.
Looking for a boyfriend in engineering: the odds are good, but the goods are odd.
I left my phone under my pillow last night and woke up to coins underneath it. It must have been the Blue-tooth fairy.
What do stylish frogs wear?
Jumpsuits.
Nurse: Are you allergic to anything?
Man: Burnt bread.
Nurse: You're allergic to burnt bread?!?
Man: Yes, I’m black toast intolerant.
I was at the Doctor's office
The Pessimist said 'The door is half closed'
The Optimist said 'The door is half open'
The Doctor said 'Confirmed case of Bipolar'
Which country do sheep go on vacation? The Baaa-hamas.
My favorite crime TV show has a duck as the main character.
He always quacks the case.
Why is your nose in the middle of your face?
Because it's the scenter.
What type of noodles did the ancient Egyptian kings loved to eat? Ramen.
You know, the heart’s the hungriest organ.
It has the heartiest appetite.
Friend of mine got sacked as a set designer for not producing anything. He didn't make a scene.
I used Brylcreem this morning to slick back my hair like my father used to do. My wife asked me what I was doing.
I said, "I'm having a dad hair day."
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