When the baby onion was misbehaving, the father onion told it, "You better behave, you cheeky chops!"
"Bone to be wild."
What happened after the conifer fell in love at the orchard? A pineapple tree.
When the ghost went to a fancy restaurant, he decided to wear a boo-tie.
What do you say to a pensive flower?
A peony for your thoughts?
What does a posh salad shout before it's eaten?
KELP!
I once attended the saddest watermelon funeral I’ve ever been to. I gotta say, I’ve never seen anything so meloncholy in my life.
What happens when you anger a brain surgeon?
They will give you a piece of your mind.
How does santa get his Reindeer to fly? He uses Red Bull because it gives you wings!
Why did the fold get arrested?
Because it was caught rolling a joint.
What does a horse call her best friend?
Her mane chick.
“Christmas has me feeling extra Santa-mental.”
My doctor must think I have a bad hard drive
He said he needed to C:
I was thinking about hopping in the shower...
But I realized that I might slip and hurt myself.
“You’re my soul Santa.”
What do you call a Mexican unicorn? Junicorn.
"Just looking on the sunny side."
Egyptians claimed to have invented the guitar,
But they were such lyres.
Why wasn’t the giraffe invited to the party?
He was a pain in the neck.
What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a hyena?
A monster with a sense of humor.
What do dogs and Santa have in common?
They are both seen Dachshund through the snow.
I went to the store today and bought some really oddly shaped eggs.
Now I can't find them. I think they've been mislaid.
What is just as big as a gorilla but literally weighs nothing?
A gorilla's shadow.
Why did the Oreo go to the dentist? Because it lost its filling
I recently ran a charity marathon to promote greener earth, but the run left me a little jaded.
Where do frogs leave their hats and coats?
In the croakroom.
What kind of writer did the ghost hire to write his biography? A ghostwriter, duh.
What do you call a cannibal that works in a university?
Hannibal Lecture.
If you take a dump on a stump...
Does that make it a toilet tree?
Where do vampires go to buy their art supplies? Pencilvania.
If you go to a beach and you can see through it, you could say the coast is clear.
Why do ghouls like ice cream?
Because it’s ghoulilicous!
Why can't a tattoo artist be faithful? Because he always has designs on his clients.
You can't ever get the attention of a vampire on Halloween. They're way too busy looking for their necks victim.
I tried to tell my favourite joke about trains, but it got derailed.
A man with spine cancer walks up to his friend
His friend notices that the man is holding his back while walking up to him
His friend asks "What's wrong?".
The man says "My back is killing me".
My wife was at the store earlier and she texted me saying, “Should I buy new beach towels?”
I wrote back, “Shore.”
For years, my brother wanted to be an archeologist...
But ten years in, his career lies in ruins.
What do teachers drink at school? Facul-Tea.
What do you call two worms in love?
Soilmates.
What did the zombie say when she fell out with her vampire friend?
- You're dead to me!
The story of the chicken and cow running away together sounds like a cock and bull story to me.
I decided to try growing pot...
So I buried a saucepan in my yard. I hear it takes no skillet all.
Can linesmen enter the Hall of Fame? Yes, because they decide who's HOFside.
In a world without fences and walls, who needs Gates and Windows?
Why did the PowerPoint presentation cross the road?
To get to the other slide.
My girlfriend brought 50,000 bees and put them in our backyard.
She's a keeper.
During the battle between the two onion kings, one of them was on the back foot as it was leek-ing blood.
Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's Day?
Real rocks are too heavy.
Why are beavers so good in maths? They love log'arithms.
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