A fly feels a bug on it's back. "Hey bug on my back, are you a mite?"
"I mite be !!" giggles the mite.
"That's the worst pun I've ever heard" groans the fly.
"What do you expect?" says the mite. "I came up with it on the fly. "
I caught my sister click and post a picture of the soupy noodles yesterday. She was actively instagramen.
I told my wife to embrace her mistakes
So she gave me a hug!!!
What kind of photos do turtles take?
Shell-fies.
Yesterday’s weather forecast predicted freezing rain. However, it turned out to be quite an ice day.
Did you hear about the zombie who was expelled from school?
He kept buttering up his teacher!
What do you get when you cross a Tambourine with a Submarine?
The Salvation Navy
How many museum curators does it take to change a light bulb?
6. 1 changes it and the other 5 preserve, display, and celebrate the old model.
How are baseball umpires and angry chickens alike?
Both make fowl calls.
I often tell my niece to listen, because hearing is the first thing you lose with aging.
Or was it memory? I can't remember.
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said ....
You know, one would have been enough.
Why did a pirate leave the boat to get his forgotten cell phone? Booty calls.
What eats nuts and bolts?
A squirrel that’s running late.
What is the ocean’s favorite lullaby?
Roe, Roe, Roe Your Boat.
What happened when the koala house party got a little too far out of hand? One of the neighbors koalaed the cops.
How do you describe an acorn in one sentence? In a nutshell, it is an oak tree.
Why can't we make jokes about the cutlery incident?
It's too spoon.
What is a cat’s favorite TV show? The evening mews.
Why won't prison life be much different from playing for the Bills? OJ will still have big guys opening holes for him.
Why will you never see a realtor reading books?
Because books only have page numbers!
Why did the one legged clown leave the cheese circus? Because he couldn't get his stilton.
How do you wash a horse?
On a sponge-line.
"Reti or not, here I come!"
Why are pigs pink when they could be any pig-ment? Sow many reasons.
Because they got turtle recall, turtles never forget.
I’ve been meaning to make a list of bad railroad puns…but I keep getting side tracked.
What do you call a drunk medieval poet?
Shakesbeer
Authorities have been trying to figure out how the Worcestershire sauce truck spilled...
But it's hard to say...
Why do gnomes like baseball? Gnome Runs.
No matter what shampoo I use, I can’t seem to get rid of my dandruff.
It’s a real head scratcher.
What stories did Vikings tell their children?
Norsery Rhymes
What did bacon say to tomato? Lettuce get together.
Why do volleyball players join the military? They want to gain extra experience in the service.
Violinist Caught following a String of Robberies.
Wife was in the hospital and the nurse said she was calling the doctor to put in an IV
When he showed up, I said to him "I thought there'd be four of you".
What painting is terrible at ever being happy? The Moaning Lisa.
“I tried to look up impotence on the Internet, but nothing came up.”
There was a minimum of cinnamon in the aluminium pan.
How do monkeys get down the stairs?
They slide down the banana-ster.
I was wondering why the Frisbee was getting bigger, then it hit me.
I dropped my cactus the other day
Worst part is, I caught it
Dear Optimist, Pessimist and Realist. While you were arguing about the glass of water, I drank it.
The Opportunist.
Someone asked me recently why I don't put any ketchup or mustard on my hotdog
And I told them it's because I just wanna relish it.
My girlfriend brought 50,000 bees and put them in our backyard.
She's a keeper.
Why does a horse’s hair always look so good?
She mane-tains it.
My dad refused to accept that he was not hiking in a mountain called Mt. McKinley
He was in Denali.
Did you hear what happened when the decorator painted his wife with cheese? He double Gloucester!
Pigs, when out in public, have to keep an eye on their valuables as they are vulnerable to pigpockets.
What time is it when little white flakes fall past the classroom window?
Snow and Tell
What do you call a benzene ring where the iron atoms replacing all of the carbon atoms?
A ferrous wheel.
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