Unbelievably there was yet another truck crash, this time it was carrying Vicks VapoRub. There was no congestion for the rest of the day.
I accidentally went to bed with my contact lenses in the other night.
My dreams have never been clearer.
Why did the witch fall off her broom mid-flight?
She had a fainting spell!
Why was the thermometer smarter than the graduated cylinder?
He had more degrees.
If two vampires have a race, will it be neck and neck?
What is a beaver's most favorite drama series ever? Riverdale.
Did you hear about the guy who put little G.I. Joe soldiers at the bottom of his coffee cup?
He’d heard that the best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!
Why is the giant afraid of Jack?
Because Jack's beanstalking him.
What do you call a cow that plays the violin?
Moozart.
What will you do if you come across a green alien? I’ll simply wait until it’s ripe.
Why did the chicken join a band?
Because it already had drumsticks.
How do you call an extremely soothing table?
A console
I feel bad for toilets.
They go through a lot of s**t
I caught a fruit fly in the air and killed it.
I'm a gnatural born killer.
I was walking along when I saw a pile of dog sh** on the side of the street, a little further on I saw an identical one.
That was a crazy deja poo.
Two monkeys get in a bath. The first one say’s “ooh ooh aah ooh aah”
The second one say’s “well put some cold water in it then”
What is a pink bird's favorite kind of dance? Flamenco.
If fish lived on land, in which country would they live? Finland.
My grandfather warned people that the Titanic would sink
*No one listened, but he kept on warning them nonetheless until they got sick of him and kicked him out of the movie theatre*
What's a frog's favorite flower?
A croakus.
What do you get when you put a saxophonist in a freezer?
Cool jazz.
I'm starting a death metal band for people with Celiac's Disease
We're called "Gluten for Punishment."
I found out my wife is really a ghost.
I had my suspicions the moment she walked through the door.
“Is this the Spanish word for ‘nap’?” She asked, pointing to a word on the page.
“Si, está.”
Lawyer: "Doctor, as a result of your examinations, would you say the woman was pregnant?"
Doctor: "Yes, she was pregnant, but not as a result of my examination."
(Taken from an actual trial)
What did the deer write in his journal every day? Deer diary.
Mom told son to clean his room. But instead, he set it on fire.
It was a hot mess
Did you hear about the CEO that got fired at the dairy farm? He was skimming a little bit off the top.
I've been dying to go to Greece on vacation.
But all they serve is bar food.
What did the turkey say to the man who tried to shoot it? Liberty, Equality and Bad aim for all.
Congrats on proving that getting older doesn’t mean getting wiser.
Why can’t minerals ever lie? They’re always in their pure form.
A cued peach visual communication system is used with people suffering from peach and hearing impairment.
An elephant's opinion carries a lot of weight.
Where do crabs invest their money?
A sea bank.
Why did the fisherman suddenly redirect his boat?
Just for the halibut.
Where do vampire bats go to take out a loan?
To the blood bank.
What type of tool does a prehistoric reptile carpenter use? A dino-saw. Who makes the best prehistoric reptile clothes ? A dino-sewer.
We all have a submarine in our heads but we're not supposed to think about it. It's all sub-conscious.
when I’m with you.
Reading sun puns while sunbathing make one well red.
What martial art does Earth know?
Geo-Jitsu.
What do you call a fishing boat with a great stereo?
bass boat.
When indoor toilets were introduced in Britain, it was considered to be a revo-loo-tionary move.
I started an insurance company for flower and gardening businesses...
It's called "oopsie daisies."
I nearly kicked my dog out, but we renegotiated the terms of his leash.
What did the manager say to the realtor who kept forgetting to sign the agreement?
He said, "Just do the deed."
What do you call a free treadmill?
The Great Outdoors.
Why did the elephant cross the road?
To get to the peanut.
I got camping insurance....but if someone steals my tent in the middle of the night....
I'm no longer covered.
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