What do you call a pig squished by sand? A ham sandwich.
What did the bartender say when he saw oxygen, hydrogen, sulfur, sodium and phosphorous enter his barroom? OH SnaP!
Living costs on the moon would probably be out of this world.
Why did the fairy play football?
Because she was fairy sportable!
I was riding my bike through the countryside when I was attacked by a herd of sheep!
Fortunately, I was only grazed.
If somebody says "You pitch great for a southpaw," is that a left-handed compliment?
How did Burger King get Dairy Queen Pregnant? He forgot to wrap his whopper!
My cranium is empty. I'm running bone-dry here.
Pan wants to lead his kind to rebellion, but...
He can't get no Satyr Faction.
Why did Immanuel Kant lend his machine gun to forces plotting a military coup?
Because he willed that his Maxim could make a general rule.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get soap in your mouth.
Then it becomes a soap opera.
My dad was fixing the basin in the bathroom and accidentally broke some tiles.
My mother said, "I told you that method would be fewtile".
Say it ain’t snow.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road? Because the chicken joke wasn't invented yet.
How did Henry VIII like his coffee? Decap.
What's a barista's favorite morning mantra? Rise and grind.
Why did they arrest the volleyball player? They suspected foul play.
What do you call a benzene ring where the iron atoms replacing all of the carbon atoms?
A ferrous wheel.
What's the difference between and Buffalo and a Bison?
You can't wash your face in a Buffalo.
Birthday candles don’t exercise because they burn out too quickly!
I introduced chocolate to milk. They did a chocolate milk shake.
You can always find the little cows eating lunch inside the calf-etiria.
"I make pour decisions."
My race time today was much better than yesterday. I was in a whole different gear.
What do real estate agents have to be thankful for this year?
Lots.
Who’s a llama’s favorite U.S. president?
Barack Ollama.
What do you call two watermelons that are not allowed to get married? A couple of can’t- elopes.
What rock would you find inside a garden shed?
Shedimentary.
What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?
It’s Christmas, Eve!
Why did the geologist go on a date to the quarry?
He wanted to be a little boulder.
What does a pirate pay for his corn?
A buccaneer!
Bobby Bippy bought a bat.
Bobby Bippy bought a ball.
With his bat Bob banged the ball
Banged it bump against the wall
But so boldly Bobby banged it
That he burst his rubber ball
"Boo!" cried Bobby
Bad luck ball
Bad luck Bobby, bad luck ball
Now to drown his many troubles
Bobby Bippy's blowing bubbles.
Me: Dad, can I turn the air-conditioner on?
Dad: did you shampoo it first?
How good is a Coney Island gyro? Feta than se*.
What Did The Gladiator Do With The Glory-Hole?
He put his spear in it.
What do you get if you cross a parrot with a woodpecker?
A bird that talks in morse code!
What do rabbits put in their computers? Hoppy disks!
What do you call a dinosaur that eats it's vegetables? A.brocileasoarus
“Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve? Because it soots him.”
Did you know humans can be struck by lightning?
I was shocked when I found out.
I'm going to start a hummus brand that comes in really difficult to open containers.
It's gonna be called 'hummus posta eat this'.
What is the 7th pin in bowling called? Mother-In-Law!
I asked the pianist if he could play the Chick Pea Song.
He said, "Maybe. Can you hummus a few bars?'
What did the banana do when he saw a monkey? The banana split!
Why do zombies speak Latin?
It’s a dead language.
Why should you always bring a bag of tortilla chips to a party?
In queso emergency.
What illness kept Avogadro in bed for two months?
Mole-onucleosis
Pad kid poured curd pulled cod.
What do you get if you cross a pelican and zebra? Two streets further away.
What does someone mean by a light year? The same as a regular year, but with less calories and fat.
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