Where's the safest place to be in the zombie apocalypse?
The living room.
Chester Cheetah chews a chunk of cheep cheddar cheese.
Why did the whale cross the ocean?
To get to the other tide.
A mosquito asks for a date: "I'd like to take you out to suck blood on someones leg"
She says "I don't know, I feel like I'm going out on a limb here."
Flamingos do annoy each other sometimes. Apparently this is because they enjoy ruffling feathers.
What’s the definition of butter?
An angry goat.
What runs around a garden but never moves? A fence.
When I asked my History teacher if he knew about Einstein's origin and history, he said, "I am relatively aware of it."
What is a tree’s favorite geometry shape? The treeangle.
The abdominal snowman is just a snowman with a six-pack.
I hate getting into arguments with farmers about the best methods for keeping crows away.
They always resort to straw man arguments.
I just put some meat in the oven.
It’s bacon.
Why do turkeys always go, "gobble, gobble"? Because they never learned good table manners!
What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? a thesaurus.
What did the bat say to the diabetic? Nice knawing you!
What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud.
What is the difference between a cow that produces normal milk and a cow that produces chocolate milk?
A mootation
I found this amazing bluegrass band that does covers of 80s rock.
They call themselves Ban Jovi.
What did the thrifty man say when he got his phone bill? "Who says talk is cheap?"
What do you call a squirrel with no nuts?
A female squirrel.
Why does James Bond Have grey hair?
Because there's no time to dye!
My wife asked if I'd be available to drain some vegetables next week.
I said I'd check my colander.
Why don’t most people enjoy jokes about taco shells?
They’re too corny
What do you call a depressed tick from ancient Rome?
A hopeless Roman Tick
I got a job working in a hayfield. After one day I bailed.
How does Reese eat her ice cream?
Witherspoon.
Someone who eats bananas must like them a whole bunch.
What do you call a pig with skin problems? A wart-hog.
Q. Where do red, orange, yellow, green, blue and violet crayons like to go hiking?
A. Colorado.
The man who invented the door knocker won a no-bell prize.
How do medieval cathedrals clean their mouths before bedtime?
They gargoyle
What sickness do cowboys get from riding wild horses?
Bronchitis.
What did the duck say when he bought lipstick?
"Put it on my bill."
A man walks into a bar with a fried egg on his head.
The bartender asks, "Why have you got a fried egg on your head?"
The man replies, "Because boiled eggs fall off."
What is the strongest creature in the ocean? A mussel!
Pirates Private Property.
I wonder...
How much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
My son accidentally smashed his foot on the table and as he was hopping around the room screaming in pain, I rushed to the phone, picked it up and asked him, "Do you want me to call..."
"...a TOE TRUCK!!??"
Which bus went from Spain to America?
Columbus.
[Chips] This is what I call a chip shot.
What did the bacteria say to the bee to cheer it up?
Gram positive
Why did the skeleton have to testify in court?
Because he was a body of evidence.
Why didn't the artist replace his kitchen sink? Because he said that if it's not baroque, don't fix it.
The only difference between a band teacher and a banned teacher
is what they were bangin
What is the name of the device that the king uses to control the moat around his castle? A remoat control.
"I have so many egg puns, it's not even bunny."
What’s green and mean and stabs you when you hug it?
Cactus
I tried making a machine that shoots bullets out of your fingers, but it shot out my spine instead.
Well, that back fired.
Why was the mosquito sad on christmas?
It was a bah hum bug.
What did the Easter bunny say to the carrot?It’s been nice gnawing you.
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