What bug has 100 legs and lives by the outhouse?
Scenta-Peed.
How does a bear get from one place to another?
On a bear-o-plane.
How do fish play the drums?
With Fish Sticks.
What is a bunch of crows gathering money called? Crow funding.
Be careful! Theres a deadly fruit on the loose
He has 7 charges of armed Strawbbery.
If a goat grows a beard, is it a goatee?
Which are the best mathematicians amongst the snake family?
The adders.
What did the flower say when her son went off to college?
I be-leaf in you.
My grandpa used to cut the grass before he died
but he has been lawn gone.
What do you call the Halloween costume contest winner? Mummy of the year.
Volleyball is air affair. This would be a good motto for your team.
What is the result of an art competition? A draw.
Did you hear that the singer Seal left a night club event because of the revellers sharing derogatory poems about him?
He was dissed by the prose at a rave.
Best in snow.
Some people like to play croc-quet.
Why did the ghoul become green?
It was sick of eating brains!
"Hey, dad, there's a leak in the sink. Should I call the plumber?"
"No silly, just put it in the fridge!"
Where do crabs and lobsters catch their trains?
King's Crustation.
How did the Native Americans get to America first?
They had reservations.
What do you call the second tissue paper?
Kleenext.
I was surprised at the number of onions needed for this dish- it calls for shallot of onions.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes.
Now I have Heinzsight.
Which day do fish hate the most?
Fry-day.
Why can't a Platypus be trusted on the radio?
Because they all have fowl mouths.
What do you call a cow with two legs?
Lean beef.
What's a frog's favorite game?
Hop-scotch (or leapfrog).
What did one Emperor Penguin say to the other?
Nothing, he just gave him the cold shoulder.
What's a baby gherkin's favorite TV channel?
Pickleodeon.
When is it raining money? Whenever there's 'change' in the weather.
Oh laundry, sometimes I feel like our first president...
Because I am washing-a-ton.
My friend mashed up some cherries on halloween and said they were blood. I was cherry-fied!
What is the favorite punk band of onions? It is a band known as "Good Shallot"!
I fernly beleaf my tree puns are qualitree, you can leaf me alone if you disagreen.
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor!
Who is the second coolest man in hospital?
The hip replacement guy!
Winter is un-brr-lieveable!
I’ve always been a trucker, but recently I applied for a job at Microsoft. I’ve heard they’re always looking for more drivers.
Why did the Turkey want to join a band?
Because it had drumsticks!
My ex-husband was very responsible. If anything went wrong, he was usually responsible for it.
How do whales make a decision?
They flipper coin.
What is a monkey's favorite cookie? Chocolate chimp!
How did the space criminal escape from the prison planet?
He achieved escape velocity.
Where does a Knights templar keep his valuables?
A deus vult
How do you kill a troll?
Take away its internet access.
The dentist said that he could knock me out with gas, or he could use a big metallic rock.
I said ether/ore.
A carrot went to a football game.
Wonder who it was rooting for.
How can you tell which end of a worm is which?
Tickle it in the middle and see which end laughs!
Why do people hate bee puns?
Because they don’t want to beelieve they are good
Passenger: One ticket to New York, please.
Bus Driver: By way of Buffalo?
Passenger: No, by bus!
How advanced are the inner workings of a submarine?
It goes very deep
Q. What did the computer say to the cookie?
A. "Can I have your chocolate chip?"
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