The cabinet I made just collapsed and a bunch of books fell and hit me.
I’ve only got my shelf to blame.
I just found out that my son got a tattoo of spades, diamonds, hearts, and clubs on his arm.
I might have to deal with him later.
How do you make a werewolf stew?
Keep him waiting until the full moon!
I had a nightmare about being attacked by a shark.
When I woke up I realized it was just a bream.
Why are ghouls so healthy?
They always eat fresh food!
Why is it so hard for people with asthma to have exciting dates?
The last thing you want is someone to take your breath away!
The lake did not like the river because it felt that the river was not very lake-able.
What is a Viking's favorite music?
Ragnarock.
The healthy soup recipe was suggested to us by the nutritionist. It soup-erseded the old unhealthy creamy soup we used to have for dinner.
A lion would never cheat on its wife.
But a Tiger wood.
Kangaroo: [dials 9-1-1] I can’t find my kids!
9-1-1: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: [pats pouch] Oh… nevermind.
What do you call a snail on a boat?
A snailor.
A zebra is the safest place to cross the road. Unless you are actually a zebra.
What's the best way to get King Kong to sit up and beg? Wave a two-ton banana in front of his nose.
Ireland you money, if you’ll pay me back.
Why do Pencils shave?
To look sharp.
How did the ponies stay in touch?
C-horse-pondence.
There's a basic difference between weather and climate: you can't weather a tree, but you can definitely climate.
What do you call a pig with three eyes?
A piiig!
I want to tell you one more painful phone pun but I decided it's uncalled for.
I think I'm going to remove my spine.
It's only holding me back.
Why is the air so clean and healthy on Halloween?
The witches sweep the sky.
I just beat my friend in a Wild West themed art race!
I was quicker to the draw.
Did you hear that they're trying to convict an orange?
It got wrapped up in appeal.
We have always been in turtle awe of her artistic skills.
How does a monster flush the toilet?
It doesn't, it scares the living sh** out of it.
I hear Jake finally broke up with his crazy grocer girlfriend; never could tell water problem was.
What is a profession involving spine realignment in Egypt?
A Cairo-practor.
What do you do to a female news anchor who breaks a leg?
You put her in a broadcast.
What was that knight's name who would always go around and call other knights by their last names? Sir Name.
If the wooden face mask was popularized by Jacques Plante, was the wooden
cup made popular by Jock Plank?
How did they punish the longshoreman whose improper ship mooring caused the destruction of a pier?
They docked his pay.
What do strawberries wear to bed?
Jammies!
What do you say when you go to a dinner with a bunch of osteopathologists?
Bone appetit!
Where does a pineapple and cucumber vacation? Somewhere tropical (tro-pickle).
What do you call a cow that just gave birth?
Decalfeinated.
What kind of chocolate do ghouls like?
Hearse-sheys!
What did the worm say to the other when he was late home? Where in earth have you been.
What’s the only fruit that never gets lonely?
A pear.
What does a brain do when it sees a friend across the street?
Gives a brain wave.
What do whales like to chew?
Blubber gum.
My grandfather warned people that the Titanic would sink
*No one listened, but he kept on warning them nonetheless until they got sick of him and kicked him out of the movie theatre*
My friend was going to a painting competition, so I wished him, "Grey the force be with you".
I bought you a refrigirator.
I can't wait to see your face light up as you open it.
What do you call a veterinarian that specializes in canines?
A dogtor.
KFC have hired geneticists to edit chicken DNA
Apparently they want something CRISPR.
Catherine and Peter performed great in 'Dancing with the Tsar'last night. But Ivan was terrible.
Why was the little bear so spoiled?
Because its mother panda’d to its every whim!
Why didn’t the newlyweds plant any flowers this spring?
They were too busy planting kisses!
Why did the pig get fired? Insu-boar-dination.
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