I like to write jokes down and store them on my phone, so that I can tell them to him later.
I call it my Dad-abase.
An army of werewolves is known as a Fur-eign Legion.
Why did the broom decide to go to bed?
He was getting sweepy
Why do mice need oiling ?
Because they squeak !
What did the witch say when the door-to-door broom salesman showed her a vacuum.
I don't want an automatic. I want a stick shift!
I knew a guy in jail who would never knife a man in the back or when he was down
He was the very model of shivalry.
If your canoe turns upside down in the water, you can wear it on your head.
Because it’s capsized.
I had a job repairing 17th century violins...
I only fixed instruments that were BAROQUE.
What did the Spanish fireman call his two sons?
José and Hose-B.
Does anyone remember the joke about the sodium deposits? Na.
Q: Why are orange and banana phones so popular these days?
A: They have appeal.
I regret rubbing ketchup in my eyes
But that's Heinz sight.
She was a little hesitant to try the new caramel flavor, but she decided to give it a shot, anyway.
What is a strawberry that likes to spin called? A berry-go-round.
It was my wife's birthday the other day
I took her to an orchard and we stood there for 20 minutes.
Apparently it wasn't the Apple watch she wanted.
I gave my toddler peas for the first time. He wasn't very hap-pea.
What do bees chew?
Bubmble gum.
Asked my boy to boil the kettle.
He said, "wouldn't it be better to boil some water?"
Did you hear about the zombie who was expelled from school?
He kept buttering up his teacher!
What is a Viking's favorite music?
Ragnarock.
What do you call a person really crazy about the moon
A lunatic.
How good/bad was the Internet at the time of the Roman Emperors?
Let me put it that way: the lag was so bad it took Jesus three days just to respawn and he got disconnected soon afterwards.
Don't get caught between a chalk and a hard place.
I had a traumatic experience with peas. I even had to go to thera-pea.
My cat kept jumping onto my desk.
I had to put him down.
I forgot my fork so tried to eat my lunch with just a spoon. It was pointless.
What do you call a beaver with a bad attitude who acts lazy? A beaver that doesn’t give a dam.
What was Santa's best subject in school? Chemistree.
I’m a hardcore believer in the “i before e except after c” rule
It’s science.
Why did the chicken cross the basketball court?
He heard the referee calling fowls.
Seas the day.
How did the penguin pass his driving test?
He winged it.
What do pigs learn in the army? Ham to ham combat.
What kind of person would sell someone a sham-rock?
A lepre-con!
My dyslexia has reached a new owl.
Spouses are like world wars.
You never refer to them as the "first" until there's a second.
What do you call a negative fog?
A pessimist.
Took a tour of Pisa, Italy...
Tour guide said “Hello, my name is Eileen.”
How did the beaver introduce his wife? This is my significant otter.
"You can't skele-run from my skele-puns."
I took the recent snow warnings with a pinch of salt.
Why do microwaves always mess up wifi...
...when every one I've tried creates hotspots?
What is a birch’s favorite dinosaur? The Tree
Rex.
What is a wolf’s favorite time of the year?
The howl-o-days.
Thirty-three thirsty, thundering thoroughbreds thumped Mr. Thurber on Thursday.
Did you know garden gnomes wear little red hats?
It’s a little gnome fact.
I invented beach footwear for people with one leg.
It was a flop.
In the medieval ages, many knights had to travel throughout day and night. In order to increase their visibility in darkness, they invented a device known as the knightvision goggles.
The company is planning to make a new series to show people how to fly an aeroplane. They are now filming the pilot.
I heard that a truck carrying Scrabble tiles has just overturned… Well, that’s the word on the street, anyway.
Go to BabaMail
