What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing - but it let out a little whine.
When the pig had a quarrel with his wife, he ended up having a gilt trip.
My friend went bald years ago, but still carries his old comb with him.
He just can’t part with it.
What did the deer say to his friend during their night in the woods?
This is so much fawn!
Did you know that the soldiers at Arlington salute their new Jack-o-Lanterns every Halloween?
They always honor the changing of the Gourd.
55. How do you tell a car you are supporting it?
‘We are routing for you!’
What’s green and pecks on trees?
Woody the Wood Pickle.
My dog hates the rain.
He doesn’t want to step in a poodle.
Why did the Viking buy an old boat?
He couldn't a fjord a new one.
In an attempt to deter computer hackers I've changed all my passwords to 'Brazil Nut'
That will be a hard one to crack.
I told you snow.
How do you get yarn out of a snake?
Wait until it sheds its skein.
"I would hop to the end of the world for you."
Near an ear, a nearer ear, a nearly eerie ear.
I hate scuba diving.
It was the lowest moment of my life.
The baby beaver sang a song about the river in a video for his friends. He had a good flow.
An owl had a sore throat but wasn't bothered.
He couldn't give a hoot.
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor.
What did Tom get when he locked Jerry in the freezer? Mice cubes!
Why did the aspen date the poplar? She really found him to be in-tree-guing.
A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.
I came to a fork in the road.
I proceeded to pick it up.
What’s the spiciest way to clean a horse?
With a curry comb.
I just landed a job at a local Asian restaurant.
All I had to do was wok in for my interview!
I was riding my bike through the countryside when I was attacked by a herd of sheep!
Fortunately, I was only grazed.
My friend has an insect parasite that can't stop fidgeting as it sucks blood.
He has a nervous tick.
Have you heard the one about the spaceship that came to Earth?
Never mind its over your head.
The spoiled milk always got what it wanted.
Snow thank you.
What did the beaver say after she slipped in water?
Dam it.
What do you call a group of orcas that play music?
An iPod.
I saw a squirrel running in circles in my yard today…
I think it lost its nuts.
I goat this.
When I arrived onset on a cloudy, dreary day, too many actors had been hired for the small part...
It was overcast.
Why did the neuron like to sleep in the top bunk bed?
It wanted to have a high resting potential.
I'm fascinated by water's gas form.
It mist-ifies me.
If I lived in medieval times, I'd be a tavern guard.
I've always been known for my Inn-Security.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs stuffed in your mailbox? Bill.
When I went to the shop to buy some strawberries, they didn't have any. It was such a fruitless trip.
Which venue did all the vegetables choose to open their fighting club in? An onion ring!
Did you hear about the snake who wrote a love letter to his girlfriend?
He sealed it with a hiss.
What do you call a dog that sneezes?
Achoo-huahua.
Never liked the troll who lives under the local railway bridge. He’s my arch enemy.
What do you call a train loaded with bubble gum? A chew-chew train.
How do locomotives hear? Through the engineers!
Trying to teach my dad how to put WiFi on his tablet
Me: You just have to go to settings!
Dad: This is just making me upsettings!
On the spot no hesitation! Gotta love him!
Why’s it always hot after a football game?
All the fans left.
What do you call a maternal Turkish robot water weasel?
An Ottoman otter-mom automaton.
What does a cow say to milk? I am your mother.
I love you dairy much.
What did one hillbilly say to another? I got a new fly rod and reel for my wife. Best trade I ever made.
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