What is a vampire's favorite fruit?
A blood orange.
What did the doughnut say to the pizza?
If I had as much dough as you, I wouldn’t be hanging around this hole.
What do computers do on a beach vacation?
Surf the net.
Why is "dark" spelled with a K?
Because you can't C in the dark.
Did you hear what happened to the Energizer Bunny? He got arrested for Battery.
What does a winged horse drink from at a party?
A keg-asus.
What do volleyball players watch during their free time? They watch Spike TV.
How long do you microwave fish?
Tuna half minutes!
Had to my dinner with just a knife and spoon last night...
It wasn't easy, but that's a fork-gone conclusion.
Who did Frankenstein take to the prom?
His ghoul friend.
Where do you store peach juice? Inside of a peach-er.
Why did the strawberry get bruised? Because it was under pear pressure.
What do you call an immature goat?
A silly billy.
Where do penguins go to dance?
The snow ball.
The art teacher encourages her students to move in the light direction.
What do you get when someone stares coldly at you?
Glare ice.
Why wasn't the bag boy allowed to work at the juice bar?
Because baggers cant be juicers.
I asked the pianist if he could play the Chick Pea Song.
He said, "Maybe. Can you hummus a few bars?'
I'm 6'6", 280lb, and I've played piano for 23 years
I'm a huge pianist.
Not all math puns are bad.
Just sum.
How does a penguin get around?
By icicle.
Man: "I’ve had really bad gas lately." Doctor: D"on’t worry, it will pass."
Did you know cutlery scams require the most patience?
You've got to play the long prong.
Yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread.
Spread it thick, say it quick!
Yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread.
Spread it thicker, say it quicker!
Yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread.
Don’t eat with your mouth full!
Imagine an imaginary menagerie manager managing an imaginary menagerie.
Why was the mother rattlesnake sad?
The time had come for her children to strike out on their own.
Why did the orange go out with a prune? He couldn’t find a date.
You’re brew-tiful!
Why was the scuba diver failing Biology? Because he was below "C" level.
Have you heard the joke about the giraffe’s neck?
Let me warn you, it’s a long one.
A friend of mine has a mobile phone shaped like an Italian dumpling. It's a gnocchia.
My wife left a note on the fridge that said, “It’s not working. I can’t take it any more. I’m going to my mom’s.”
I opened the fridge door, the light came on, the beer was cold. What the hell did she mean?
I was surprised at the number of onions needed for this dish- it calls for shallot of onions.
Where do bats go to gamble?
Bat-lantic City.
The strawberry was scared of the cream. They were afraid it had gone bad.
How does a car begin telling you bad news?
‘I hate to brake it to you…’
Whats The Most tiniest Virus Ever? "smallpox".
Like a pro wrestler in a headlock, I’m indulging in a little Sham pain.
The orange said to the melon, “You are one in a melon.” The melon replied, “You are so appealing.”
I was at the beach and saw this guy in the water yelling, “Help, shark! Help!
I just laughed because I knew that shark wasn’t going to help him.
There are more planes in the ocean than there are submarines in the sky
This much is plane to sea
What do you think they use in space, when they run out of the drinking cups? The Big Dipper.
What happened to the pig who ate too fast? They got a ticket for running a Slop Sign.
I aorta tell my wife how much I love her.
Why is the giant afraid of Jack?
Because Jack's beanstalking him.
Why did the manager hire the marsupial? Because he was koala-fied.
How does a rainbow greet the other weathers? With a yellow of course!
What do you call a dinosaur that's a loud sleeper? A Snore-a-sorus
What did the coffee say to its date? Hey there, hot stuff.
I bought a really small cow last week. I really wanted to try condensed milk.
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