My weekend is fully booked.
“I love you from head to mistletoe.”
How did the shark do on his test?
Fin-Tastic!
What do you do when your partner drinks your coffee? I don't know, but that's certainly grounds for divorce.
Why should you live a pineapple life? Because Life is sweet.
What do people with ambition drink? Loft-Tea.
What does it do before it rains candy? It sprinkles! What do you call dancing chocolate bar? Nestle Crunk bar.
The only type of berry you will ever find in a barn is a straw-berry.
Can I have your last avocado?
Avocadon’t you dare.
. What do you call it when you heard the same jogger pun earlier, yet laughed again?
A running joke.
What color are military submarines?
Deep navy
What did the oranges do after concluding the meeting?
They peeled the deal.
What did one brain say to another?
I lobe you.
How do Medieval sheep protest prisons?
They storm the baaaastille.
Did you hear about the scary couple in prom this year? It was a mummy and his ghoul-friend.
Salty but sweet.
What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi.
Why did the chick disappoint his mother?
He wasn’t what he was cracked up to be.
To the person who has been eating all of my mixed nuts.
I'm going to cashew.
When you see something red that goes up and down, chances are it is a strawberry in an elevator.
Why didn’t one skeleton want to look at the other skeleton?
He didn’t have the stomach for it.
What happened when the orange broke out of prison?
All heck broke juice.
Did you hear about the final remaining unit in the apartment building?
It was last but not leased.
Did you know there are exactly 239 beans in Irish stew?
Any more and it would be two farty...
Q: What is a tornado’s favorite game?
A: Twister
You better watch out before you play a game with any bread? Baguette ready to lose.
Julius Caesar ordered pizza for the senate at Theatre of Pompey
Casca: How could you not order enough pizza for everyone?
Julius: But there was enough for everybody to have a slice...
Brutus: I ate 2 slices.
Julius: ATE TWO, BRUTE?
Which soccer position does a Ghost play? Ghoulkeeper, of course.
What is a lion’s favorite cheese?
Roarquefort.
What do chicken families do on Saturday afternoon?
They go on peck-nics.
What's the hardest tea to swallow?
Reality.
I wood never leaf you.
My wife was describing the pair of Toucans the zoo recently acquired.
I responded "You mean a four-can?"
How do you circumcise a whale?
You send down four skin divers.
What do you get when you mix a sheep and a kangaroo
A wooly jumper
What part of a flamingo has the most feathers?
The outside.
My sister asked me for some spider puns.
I told her to look them up on the web.
How do astronauts prepare for a birthday party
They planet.
What do horses eat with their salad? Dressage-ing.
There's this vampire who's more powerful than any other, because he can't be hurt by the sun
All other vampires pale in comparison.
What do you call an ant from overseas?
Import-ant.
What do you call grass that waits until the last minute to grow?
A Prograsstinator
How did the small oven greet the large oven?
He Microwaved.
The apple says to the pineapple “What? Go out with you tonight? It will not happen in a million years!” Since then, we have a crushed pineapple.
Once upon a time, there was a king who loved traveling through tunnels. The people gave him the name: Alex-Under."
What did the upright bass say to the nervous guitar?
“You’re too high strung, don’t fret.”
Gardening question: Does anyone know a good place where I can buy a fern? Asking for a frond.
It's Taco Night, so on my way home, I grabbed a bag of shredded cheese at the store, queso we needed some more.
.
Which genre of music appeals to most cheeses? R'n'Brie
Why did the Zombie baseball pitcher retire?
He threw his arm out.
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