To which tier of fruits and vegetables do onions belong? They belong to the teary.
What should be the name of the knight who the King has appointed to carry a census of the land? He goes by the name Sir Vey.
Why did the orange lose the race?
“Because it got Im-peached.”
What kind of bread do elves use to make sandwiches?
Why shortbread of course!
What did the man say after he slipped and fell on the ice?
Nothing, he just gave everyone the cold shoulder.
What’s a nut’s favorite Shakespeare line?
“To be or nut to be.”
I love lamps.
They're so enlightening.
What’s a pig’s favorite holiday? Ar-boar Day.
I know an untidy guy who’s excellent at playing soccer.
What a Messi guy.
What’s it called when a bunch of pigs compete in athletic games?
The Olympigs
Why go to the beach? I’d rather be by the ski-side.
What are the best vegetables to sleep under?
a can of peas.
The fruit teacher taught figures of peach in today's class.
Lately my wife has been looking at me as if I'm a piece of meat....
And it wouldn't bother me, if she wasn't a vegan.
I saw an ad that read: “TV for sale, $1, volume stuck on full.” I thought to myself, "I can't turn that down!"
A nose visited its home town.
It was overcome with nostril-gia.
Where does Google keep their ships?
In the Google Docs.
What do you call an elf who hasn’t had a date in two years or more?
Elf on the shelf.
What’s a hen’s favorite type of movie?
A chick flick.
Which servant of God was the worst lawbreaker in the Bible?
Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.
I was holding a bottle of laundry detergent when all of a sudden it exploded, completely drenching my hands.
Oh well. I guess my hands are Tide.
There were two antennas who met on a roof and they fell in love and decided to get married. The ceremony was nothing fancy, but you could tell that they had a very strong connection.
How do you know when a baby koala bear is happy? You’ll see them jump for joey!
Why is the ocean so salty?
Because the land never waves back.
Do you know why a pineapple can be a good observer? Because it has a lot of eyes around its body.
Goat milk?
I’m putting an official ban on rabbit puns. They are not bunny anymore.
What do you call a dinosaur that eats it's vegetables? A.brocileasoarus
How do you get a musician off your front porch?
Pay for the pizza.
Crossbows are great, but they have their drawbacks.
What did one ocean say to another?
Nothing, it just waved.
What do you call twin baby kangaroos?
Roo-mMates!
Why an astronaut can be said similar to a football player? They both strive for touchdowns!
What do you call a blood vessel that's mad with power?
A Megalovieniac.
What do you call a spider with ten eyes?
A spiiiiiiiiiider.
The zombie worked for years to win this prize. He showed real dead-ication.
What do you call the worlds smallest violin?
Hard to play.
I stumbled upon people arguing about trains in my town.
I told them, what’s the lo-commotion?
A cup of coffee is the ideal start to a brew-tiful morning!
All you need is a little vitamin sea.
What is the biggest ant in the world?
An elephant.
So I asked my Spanish friend if he knew where fish lived.
He said "Si."
Why are elephants scared of computers?
Because of the mouse.
What goes up when rain starts to come down?
Umbrellas.
What's a ghost's favorite makeup to wear? Mas-scare-a!
What's a coffee's favorite karaoke song? Hit Me With your Best Shot.
The other day someone made fun of my ears for hanging down too far.
Lobe low, dude.
The 70s/80s aesthetic has recently become pretty popular in France.
They say it has a certain Gen X sais quoi.
Did you get a side of hummus?
It's a hummuside.
Went on a diving trip with strangers and found a sunken vessel. We're all pitching in to salvage and rebuild it.
I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friend-ship.
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