What do you call a girl with an hourglass figure?
A complete waist of time.
Did you hear about the artist's really messy house? He said it was 'a work in progress'.
All the peanuts decided to start a social nutwork where they would all link up for a common good and even advocate for their rights.
What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?
It’s Christmas, Eve!
Q: Who is Peach’s favorite actor?
A: Brad Pit.
How do you stop a bear from charging?
Take away its credit cards.
What is a bat’s favorite dessert?
Pineapple upside-down cake.
Why do fish swim in schools?
Because they can't walk.
Just hangin' with my gnomies.
Using vaccines is...
Antibody-building.
What do you call a waffle laying on a beach?
Sandy eggo.
What is a blue whale’s favourite James Bond Film?
Licence to Krill.
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms
I used too much of my wife’s moisturizer after taking my shower this morning.
So I called in slick for work today.
When can 3 elephants stand under 1 umbrella and not get wet?
When it’s not raining.
Where do you take a sick hornet?
To the waspital.
Why are geologists no fun at parties?
They like to be stone-cold sober.
I have some extra chairs in my garage for emergency seat-uations.
How do you call clothings for spoons?
Silverwear
How do you know your eating rabbit soup? When there's a hare in it.
My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is starting to improve.
Why should you worry about the math teacher holding graph paper?
She’s definitely plotting something.
Where did the independent cat decide to live? In Catalonia!
Did you hear the joke about the pop fly? Oh, nevermind. It was over your head...
How can you tell if you're at a classy Viking restaurant?
They have Valhallet parking
What do you call a book on underwater gardening?
A self-kelp book.
How do tigers like their cheese?
Grrrrreated
My kid didn't want to tell me that his tooth was loose.
I had to pull it out of him.
The repair man said he thought he'd fixed the propane stoves, but he couldn't be quite sure.
After all, it involved a lot of gaswork.
Why did the model bring her lipstick and eye shadow to school?
Because she had a make-up exam!
Why wouldn’t the reporter leave the mashed potatoes alone? He desperately wanted a scoop.
When do franks tell insults? At a wienie roast!
If you're wondering if someone's become a vampire, there's an easy way to tell. A true vampire is always coffin.
Why did the Clydesdale give the pony a glass of water?
Because he was a little horse!
You can never make a crumble with just 3.14 strawberries because that would make a pi.
If snowmen can’t ride bicycles, tricycles, or unicycles, what can they ride?
Icicles!
What’s the difference between a greyhound station and a lobster with a boob job?
One’s a crusty bus-station, the other’s a busty crustacean.
What's an owl's favorite subject at school?
Owl-gebra.
The boot black brought the black boot back.
Where do cows go to celebrate New Years Eve? To a meat ball!
Some people say popcorn is hard to chew. There’s a kernel of truth to that.
What would be one of the worst crimes to commit if you were a sheep living in the medieval times?
Muttiny
Becoming a space pilot is not easy. It requires a good altitude.
What’s a vampire’s favorite type of dog?
A blood hound.
What did the deer say to each other when they were trying to solve a difficult problem? This is such a deer-lemma!
Why couldn’t the string quartet find their composer?
He was Haydn.
Where do shellfish go to borrow money?
The prawn broker.
Why should you never fight a Gorilla?
They know king kong fu.
When Berry the dog dug up the woman's strawberry patch, she angrily exclaimed "That is the final straw, Berry."
It is difficult to hold up a trouser. How does Jupiter does it? Simply, with an asteroid belt.
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