My dog wants to be a tradesman.
I think he wants to be a woof-er.
What do you call who has been electrocuted? You call it anion.
How does a pirate communicate? With his aye phone.
Why do werewolves howl at the moon?
Because no one else will do it for them!
What did the horse say to his friend that didn’t come party last night?
You didn’t turnout.
How would you call a tutle's poo?
Turdle.
What did James Bond’s mom say as she was giving birth?
"I’ve been expecting you, Mr. Bond."
My pet cow thinks she produces almond milk. She must be nuts.
What do you call related toilet rolls that sleep together?
Napkins.
What do you call a lobster with a Christmas hat?
Santa Claws
My wife asked, “If someone’s body just isn’t fighting the virus, would getting the vaccine help?”
I told her I think it’s worth a shot.
What do you call a kangaroo DJ?
Disc joey.
My parents always brought me up to believe the sky's the limit.
Which was a shame because I wanted to be an astronaut.
I'm starting a music group that performs Classical Greek music.
I'm calling it Oedipal Arrangements.
Shell yeah.
How many second violinists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They can’t get up that high.
All dressed up and nowhere to grow.
What types of plants do you get after you plant kisses? Tulips.
What do you get for diving into a wave of oranges.
Vitamin Sea.
In grammar you shouldn’t do double negatives.
It’s a no no.
People in Iran are scared of spiders
But in Iraq, no phobia.
How do flamingos clean themselves? They flaminget a shower.
What's the difference between a sorority girl and a bowling ball?
You can only fit 3 fingers in a bowling ball.
I whisper my sins to crows
So my parents can't hear me confess to a murder
What happens when you keep reading geology jokes in your free time? You know that you have really hit rock bottom.
Which trophy has the most glitz? The Lady Bling.
Why does no one trust the man on the moon?Why does no one trust the man on the moon?
Because he has a dark side!
From one vegan to another – I think you’re fern-tastic, and I’ll never leaf you baby.
My new Halloween cookies are bringing everyone back for more!
I call them boo merginues.
I knew a guy in jail who would never knife a man in the back or when he was down
He was the very model of shivalry.
My wife just said that in order for our marriage to work, we both need to make sacrifices.
I’m thinking of choosing a goat.
Why did one camel spit and stomp when the other camel stole its cheese?
Because they’re “dramadairies”
I like my breakfast like my tennis grip: Continental.
What do you get when you cross a kangaroo with an angry man? A kangryoo
I miss the old days of railway when the engineer had plenty of esteem.
What kind of bugs live in clocks? Ticks!
She'll take whatever beans necessary to get her daily cup of coffee. Whatever. Beans. Necessary.
A great knight became all discombobulated and lost his weapons...
He was all out of swords.
Did you hear about the new holistic elf doctor?
He's a gnome-opath!
What type of car would a regular horse buy?
A Fjord Focus.
What is a grammar vampire's least favourite drink?
Type-O.
Why did one melon break up with the other melon?
“He didn’t know water problem was.”
They can’t read it, it’s on a need-to-gnome basis.
What medicine do you give to sick ants?
Antibiotics.
Sorry seems to be the hardest word to say...
Unless you're Chinese. Then it's 'squirrel'.
Where do shellfish go to borrow money?
The prawn broker
If you try to stretch a fork to see if it breaks...
Are you testing its utensil strength?
The scariest day of my life was when we ran into a bear taking a dump inside our campsite.
That sh** was in
Yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread.
Spread it thick, say it quick!
Yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread.
Spread it thicker, say it quicker!
Yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread.
Don’t eat with your mouth full!
When the cow forget how to give milk, she was udderly confused.
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