How does a dog stop a TV show?
He presses paws!
The knight fell very sick over the weekend. He had a running temperature and was feeling very nauseous. The doctor called it the Saturday Knight Fever.
What do you call a polar bear in Florida?
A solar bear.
I’m feelin’ pine.
In which battle did the soldiers form a queue outside a metal box?
The battle of Portaloo.
I enjoy the cold weather
But only to a certain degree.
Medieval cures...
Were leeches on society
Did you hear about the watchmaker who is half Spanish and half Irish?
His name is Juan O'Clock.
The student asked the teacher, “Cashew a question?”, and the teacher replied, “Nut now”.
What do you give a dog with a fever?… Mustard, it’s the best thing for a hot dog.
What was the conversation like at the dinner party with all the boring flowers?
Like pollen teeth.
Why did the cat get fined? He was caught littering
What's an egg's favorite tree?
A y-oak tree.
How old was the cave man on his birthday?
Stone Age.
When you’re alone in Germany being approached by a group of old men
You have to fear the wurst.
How does a computer learn something new?
Bit by bit.
What problem do you encounter with twin witches?
You can never tell which is witch.
When does a leprechaun cross the road?
Just like everyone - when it's green!
Why did the clock in the donut shop run slow?
It always went back four seconds
My neighbor asked me if he could borrow my lawnmower. It told him he could; if he did not take it out of my yard.
It’s snow joke.
When the giant cannibals started to soak me in vinegar, I'd had enough.
"Why don't you pickle someone your own size?" I shouted.
Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/4th.
How do sick kangaroos get better?
They have a hoperation.
An Native American drank 100 cups of tea.
Next day they found him dead in his tea pee.
KID :"DAD, make me a sandwich."
DAD :"Poof, you're now a sandwich."
Be careful what you say about those plates in the cabinet.
They're stacked.
I had a nightmare about being attacked by a shark.
When I woke up I realized it was just a bream.
What did one tidepool say to the other tidepool?
Show me your mussels!
I love spending koala-ty time with you.
A mathematician walks into a bar and says, “One beer for me, and 10 beers each for all my friends!”
Bartender: "Now that’s an order of magnitude!"
What do snowmen eat for lunch?
Icebergers!
The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested.
I hear they're gonna give him a really tough sentence
The garden where only white cars are driven can be called a garden of white carnation.
When the chef asked me how I would like my soup, I said "I would like minestrone".
What kind of lights did Noah have on the ark? Floodlights.
Fresh French fried fly fritters
Why did the Sugar Maple have to go to the dentist? It really needed a root canal.
What do you call an animal you keep in your car?
A Carpet
What kind of vest should you wear in the fall?
A har-vest.
Prisoner: "I’m sorry I tried to escape."
Guard: "I’m not mad, just… disappointed."
Remember, kids, never let your guard down.
I built an electric fence around my property yesterday.
My neighbor is dead against it.
What did the snail say as he slipped down the wall? How slime flies!
Why did the horse climb Everest?
She liked mount-ains.
What do you get when you cross a bat with the internet? blood-thirsty hacker baby
Putting on makeup and putting on glasses serve the same purpose...
They make the person look better!
Aloha is a soft laugh.
What do French cars wear as hats?
Bonnets.
What did the pigeon say after being struck by lightning?
Not coo.
Why did the fairy play football?
Because she was fairy sportable!
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