What do you call a truck-load of tortoises crashing into a train-load of terrapins?
A turtle disaster.
Where do Yetis go to dance?
To a snow ball.
Why is the letter B so cold? Because it’s between the AC.
3 animals enter a bar. A lion, a tiger and a bear.
Oh my!
What did the woman say when she escaped Dracula’s clutches?
- Better luck necks time!
"Come follow me and I will make you a Fischer of men."
What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?
Your mother ate us out of house and home.
How Do Ducks Talk?
They don't, you quack.
Why was the man with a beard in pain?
Because he had a must ache.
That alligator took great photos, he was a bit of a snapper.
What kind of car does a mouse drive?
A mini van.
What was wrong with the deer’s smile?
He had buck teeth.
What did mutter say to paneer? Tu cheese badi hai mast mast.
Did you hear about the scary couple in prom this year? It was a mummy and his ghoul-friend.
Why didn’t the Romans find algebra very challenging?
Because they always knew X was 10.
What’s the difference between Jesus and pizza?
Jesus can’t be topped.
How do you catch an elephant?
Act like a peanut.
What is a criminal group of kangaroos called?
A gangaroo.
A young slice of bread came up to his crush. He told her that he was really falling in loaf with her.
The oranges hadn’t been peeling well for a week when they finally decided to seek medical attention.
I was trying to reshape the border of my backyard when my neighbors' fence fell over...
Wrong post.
Which servant of God was the worst lawbreaker in the Bible?
Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.
“What do you call an elf that runs away from Santa’s Workshop? A rebel without a Claus.”
What do ducks get after they eat?
A bill.
What's the difference between an internet troll and a video game character?
Video game characters have lives.
When is it appropriate to sleep in a bathtub?
When you're feeling drained.
Why are there fish at the bottom of the sea?
Because they dropped out of school.
To all the people that don't cover their mouths then they cough.
You make me sick.
In later years was the Great One in decline? Yes he was on the Wayne.
I listenend to the football game on the radio. It was being broadcast on a catholic satellite radio station.
So I tirned to my dad and said, "That's weird. Football isn't even that religious of a sport!"
My dad replied, "Nope. Lacrosse is!"
It doesn't matter if my wife tells me Im not mature
Im not going to let her enter my tree house without the right password.
Why do ice cream cones make such good journalists?
They always get a scoop.
What kind of birthday cake do they serve in heaven?
Angel food cake.
What do you do with epileptic lettuce? You make a seizure salad!
Why do ice cream cones make such bad athletes?
They always get licked.
How much pot, could a pot roast roast, if a pot roast could roast pot.
What do neurons do on their birthdays?
They cell-ebrate
I woke up in the middle of the night and found all the blankets on my bed were missing.
I was scared sheetless.
What do you call a baby potato? Small fry.
What word backwards can predict the future? Cookies (Seikooc as in psychic of you say it).
Did you hear about the misbehaving unicorn? Sure, but I never though that these creatures could get so horny.
What is a red heads favorite drink?
Ginger Ale.
Vampires can always Count on Dracula.
Why are sponges and brains similar?
They both like to soak up "material"
This weekend is going to be LITerary.
What do you call a tariff on skin?
A tax-a-dermis!
How does herpes get out of the hospital ?
On crotches.
Dad asked if he could borrow my deodorant.
I said "sure, no sweat."
What do you call a grandpa flower?
Poppy.
I just saw a man slumped over a lawn mower crying his eyes out.
he's just going through a rough patch.
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