What is a cat’s favorite Tom Hanks character? Furrest Gump.
When a lion takes a lioness from another lion, he kills and eats any cubs she has. You'd think he'd be ashamed of himself.
But apparently he just swallows his pride.
The scarecrow won an award because it had been excellent in its field.
If you photograph your pimples, is zit art?
Went to a game with my dad today and as we were standing up to sing, the veteran in him kicked in and he began tearing up. I said to him, "You know, technically, national anthems are just…
…country music."
What happened when the dog ate a firefly?
He smiled with de-light
Why are skeletons so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
The clients who buy from our gardening store are grass-ured that the artificial lawn grass would not lose its color with use.
What crime is an egg most afraid of?
Poaching.
What is a gorillas favourite ice cream flavour.
Chocolate chimp.
What did the kid nut say to the other when playing tag? “I’m going to cashew”.
The artist thought she was all that and pen some.
Make your own decisions this summer, don't give in to pier pressure.
The late actor Sir Sean Connery was a big fan of the onion because well, he usshed to love them shh-allot.
How did the close race between the rabbit and the tortoise end? It was won by a hare!
Why didn’t the horse buy a house?
The costs were mounting.
One day on the highway, I saw a packet of onions and cheese walking down the road. When I offered them a lift, they declined by saying that they were 'Walkers'.
The Earth without 'art'...
....is 'EH'
What is black, purple, blue, yellow and white? Sugilite, sardonyx and opal all fighting over a gumball.
When my wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo,
I had to put my foot down.
Wife dropped a jar of pickles upon opening the fridge; glass and pickle juice went all over the kitchen floor.
Me: Don't worry, it's not a big dill.
My pet parrot, Nickel, just passed away.
Now I have a Nickel-less cage.
Where do flies go for a holiday?
Flywaii.
I prefer the new system to reviewing line calls. When Hawk-eye came around, I breathed a big Cy-clops of relief.
What did the cow who barged the other cow say?
Moo-ve!
What's green, green, green, green, green?
A frog rolling down a hill.
What is an Italian’s favorite type of dog?
A ciao ciao.
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
Aunt: Aw, look at you. You've got your father's eyes
Dad: Son, where's my glass eye?
Why did the pig kill the farmer? To save his own bacon.
What is the most desirable kitchen appliance?
A hot plate.
What do you call a rabbit with fleas? Bugs bunny
A small piece of sodium that lived in a test tube fell in love with a Bunsen burner.
"Oh Bunsen, my flame," the sodium pined. "I melt whenever I see you,"
The Bunsen burner replied, "It's just a phase you're going through."
Why did the banana go out with the prune? Because he couldn't find a date.
A soda company printed Michael Jackson on all of their cans
He really is the king of pop
Who did the ghost invite to his party? Any old friend he could dig up.
What do you call a guy who only rides children's bicycles?
A pedalphile
Q. Which US city holds the record for suicidal gorillas jumping off skyscrapers?
A. Fall-Adelphia.
I got a handjob of a blind woman the other day. She said "Wow that's the biggest thing I ever had in my hand!"
I said "Come on you're just pulling my leg."
What do Spanish speaking people prefer to travel in groups of 2 or 4?
No tres-passing.
Why does bread hate hot weather?
It just feels too toasty.
What’s fat, hairy and drinks a lot of coffee?
Java the Hut!
Whom did the cheesy Bible start with? Edam and Eve.
Good science always checks itself before it wrecks itself.
Where do rocks like to sleep? In bedrocks!
A mother mountain says to her moody teenage mountain “don’t you give me that altitude!!”
What did the lamp say to the flickering candle?
"Do you want to go out sometime soon?"
I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
I get a real kick out of you.
Why do seals carry fish in their mouth?
Because they don't have pockets.
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