Fairies just wand to have fun.
What did the nervous crow do? The crow proceeded with caw-tion.
What do you call a parallelogram that's also your parent's mother?
A parallelogramma
A friend of mine is his team's best footballer on paper. Unfortunately, they play most of their games on grass.
The perfect name for a sad and morose strawberry is a blueberry.
My daughter wants a horse...
But first we need a stable income.
What did the football coach say to the broken vending machine?
Give me my quarter back.
I don't mind leg day at the gym.
It's just the two days after that I can't stand.
Why did the train have bubble gum? Because he wanted to go Choo Choo
The chocolate couple decided to rent a two bedroom sweet for their summer honeymoon.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get soap in your mouth.
Then it becomes a soap opera.
What do you get when you put four ducks in a box?
A box of quackers.
I heard that burglars used grass to pick a lock and gain entry to a local house, but the evidence may have been planted.
A classically trainer theater performer just became a spy.
I guess you could say they perform... thespionage
If you see a ghost, you should always say, 'How do you boo?'
One of the most courageous souls in the world is anybody who looks at a pineapple and thinks that “I bet I would eat it.”
I couldn't chair less!
Checking in for a flight, I was asked, "Window or Aisle?"
I said, "Window or you'll do what?
What is yellow and goes bzzzzzz? An electric banana.
What a is ghoul’s favorite pet?
Ghoulfish!
What do you call a bullet proof Irishman?
Rick O'Shea.
What type of nut do you find in the toilet?
A pee-nut.
Why are giraffes so slow to apologize?
Because it takes them a long time to swallow their pride.
HELP! It's a taco emergency!
Dial 9 Juan Juan!
When did the dentist develop tooth pain?
Tooth-hurty!
Why do workers at the dairy factory always need a charger? Their milk is stuck at 1%.
The paper my student wrote on Tsar Ivan was so bad, it was tearable.
Q: What brand of underwear do pharaohs wear?
A: Fruit of the Tomb.
What do you call an Amish Man whose hand is in a horse’s mouth?
A mechanic.
Did you hear the one about the genius unicorn who aced every subject? Yeah, he was a real A corn.
What do you call a dinosaur that lost his glasses? uthinkhesawrus
Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
Did you hear about the cell phone that got arrested?
It was charged with battery.
What do you call a jellyfish on a plane?
A flightoplankton.
I let my kids pick my Halloween costume this year. They chose a hot dog...
... this is going to be my wurst Halloween ever.
What does a cat lady say on Friday night?
I am drinking wine and feline fine!
Went to church on Halloween
Turned out to be a blessing in disguise
After graduating from high school, crows go to caw-lleges for further studies.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
When I went to highschool in Italy my classmates were one year older than me.
I Skipped pasta grade.
My pet crocodile needs help
Can I give him gatorade or does it only work for alligators?
How does Toucan Sam wear a belt?
He puts it through his loops
Ticket inspectors. You’ve got to hand it to them…
Don't ever think dentists are perfect individuals
They most certainly have floss.
I had the best ice pun to tell you…
Problem is, it slipped my mind.
Which drawing utensil is the fastest?
The e-racer.
When I got my first job at the bowling alley, I was only tenpin.
I dressed up as a jousting lance for Halloween, but nobody got it.
I thought it was pretty straight forward.
What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
Frosted Flakes.
Did you hear about the party at the Chinese zoo?
It was Panda-monium.
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