I like big punts and I cannot lie
Why would a cow want to go to space? To see the Milky Way.
What's a vampire's favorite fruit?
A neck-tarine.
Why do cows think cooks are mean?
They whip cream.
What happened when the semi-colon broke grammar laws?
He was given two consecutive sentences.
Kids and I are making burgers for my wife on Mother's Day....
I hope they meat her expectations
My theater group is writing a sci-fi thriller about classical musicians.
I'll be Bach.
How does a koala get from one place to another? On a gondkoala.
I recently took a pole and found out 100% of the occupants were angry with me when their tent collapsed.
Did you hear about the man who used to be addicted to eating raw meat? Don't worry, he's cured now!
What do you give a deer with an upset stomach?
Elka Seltzer.
My wife isn't talking to me because apparently I ruined her birthday....
I don't know how I did that... I didn't even know it was her birthday!
What did the deer order to drink at the bar?
Ice cold deer.
What did the wife beaver say to her astronaut husband? You are otter this world.
A friend of mine is his team's best footballer on paper. Unfortunately, they play most of their games on grass.
When the mama peach found out that his child had failed his class, she was s-peach-less.
What is a cat’s favorite color? Purr-ple.
How did the telephone propose to his girl?
Duh, ain’t it obvious? He gave her a ring!
Did you hear about the gorilla that was from Vietnam?
He was a viet kong.
What did the llama say to the grass?
“Nice gnawing you!”
My friend said, "I bought a parrot for my son that has red and blue feathers."
I said, "Your son must look very strange."
I guess I’m going to France
Because I have nothing Toulouse.
I just found out that Mercedes is donating state-of-the-art street sweepers to some of the largest cities around the world to help fight littering.
They're calling it Mercedes-clenz.
Iron Man's favourite Xmas gifts this year were socks that fire from his feet.
He called them missile toes.
Guess what I do when my ice house falls apart.
Igloo it back together!
Be careful out there during the snowstorm. It ain't snow joke.
Why do Penguins carry fish in their beaks?
Because they haven’t got any pockets.
For several days each month, some friends and I get together, play instruments and sing in a medieval style.
I guess you could call it my minstrel period.
Why did the sloth get fired from his job?
He would only do the bear minimum.
Why is it so expensive to run a submarine?
It's the depth charges.
What type of key opens a banana?
A monkey.
What do you call a kung-fu match between a married couple?
Marital Arts!
How many ants are needed to fill an apartment?
Ten-ants.
What do you get if you cross a cat with a parrot? A carrot!
What type of wine is notorious for making you drowsy?
Sauvign-yawn blanc!
My doctor recommended exercise to slim down as well as some orange juice for vitamins
It’s the weight and C approach I guess.
The cheap baker only paid his employees a flourly rate. Cheapskate!
Is a goat that eats office supplies on a staple diet?
I would rather breed mice than crows
Mischief is one thing, but I don't think I can pull off a murder.
What do sailors buy to customise the back of their ships?
Aft-ermarket parts!
If your imagination hits peak high and you combine a toadstool and a suitcase, you won’t have mushroom for your vacation clothes.
Why are horses so good at the shooting range?
They’re hunters.
My doctor told me to drink two glasses of red wine after a hot bath...
But I can't even finish drinking the hot bath.
You're acute Valentine.
Found out I washed some of my son's nerf darts in his laundry...
Should make for some good clean shots.
You’re a cutie 3.14159265359
Why was Cleopatra so in love with Egypt's ruler?
Pharaohmones
German tourist visits France.
Guy at the Airport: "Nationality?"
German Dude: "German".
Airport Guy: "Occupation?"
German Dude: "Nein, nein, Only Vacation".
The school teacher tells you to spit out your gum, while the locomotive says “Choo Choo Choo!”
My love for you sprouts more and more everyday!
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