Where do doubtful Egyptians get their water from?
Denial River.
Sleeping is so easy
I can do it with my eyes closed.
What did the crow said when it saw a car coming? Cawr.
A storefront that boasts a fruit pun, just peachy.
Sad to hear that Baron von Frankenstein has given up on his dream of being an actor.
He couldn’t get the parts.
Where do fish wash? In a river basin.
Why did the volleyball player get sent to jail? Because he was set up.
What do you call it when a musical group provides assistance?
Band aid.
Why Did the Milkman Get Fired?
He was skimming off the top.
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?
10-tickles.
What do crocodiles wear to keep their legs dry in the water?
Gaiters.
The computer wanted to get out of the house, so it used the Windows.
Where’s a dolphin’s favorite place to drink?
A dive bar!
Why couldn’t the dog say, “Ahhh”?
Because the cat got his tongue.
Do You Know How Crabs Get Around On Land?
They Use The Sidewalk!
What kind of money do elves always use?
Jingle bills!
What do you call a beautiful pumpkin?
Gourdgeous.
Where do brains go for vacation in Massachusetts?
Braintree, MA
How do you stay warm in any room?
Just huddle in the corner, where it’s always 90 degrees.
This Halloween I was planning to go as a band aid, but decided against it.
It’s really hard to pull off.
Minding my own business, when someone I thought was my friend threw a serving plate full of bumblebees at me.
I was bee-trayed.
Eye drops are technically blinker fluid.
Birdie birdie in the sky laid a turdie in my eye.
If cows could fly I'd have a cow pie in my eye.
Why did the orange fall out of the tree?
It went out on a limb.
My mother always laughed at me when I told her my dream was to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should of seen her face when I drove pasta.
What’s a real estate agent’s favorite song?
“For Lease Navidad.”
What did the cutlery maker say when he lost some metal?
Silverware?!
Wife is about to give birth.
Nurse: "I'm gonna deliver the Baby."
Dad: " Actually, we'd like him to keep his Liver"
Why did the skeleton have a broken heart?
His Boney lay over the ocean.
My son was injected with poisoned blood from a person from Finland
He said "I am finnished."
What do you get when you cross a cow and an earthquake?
Milkshake.
Why did the coffee call the police? Because it was mugged.
What does a loaf of bread say when breaking up with his girlfriend?
You deserve butter.
Winter is un-brr-lieveable!
Why do trees like to watch Star Trek? They really relate to the Captain’s log.
To the person who stole my glasses...
I will find you... I have good contacts!
True house cleaners aren't just born
They're maid.
When we spill soup on the comic book, we will get soup-erman.
What do you call a gassy cowboy?
Wyatt Burp.
I accidently sprayed deoderant in my mouth
Now every time I speak I have a weird Axe Scent.
I met my wife at a travel agency
She was looking for a vacation and I was her last resort.
What do you call a nut with facial hair?
A mustachio.
What's the similarity between a sailor and a thief?
Both have a phobia for sirens.
This pool is impressive. Or should I say swim-pressive?
Who is the penguins favourite aunt?
Aunt Arctica
What's long, surprisingly bigger than expected, comes in different colors, and everyone wants a ride from?
A limousine.
If a baby is born on a plane, i guess you could call it... airborn.
Everyday for lunch I like to eat two pears, and my dad knows this.
One day I saw him dropping two pears into a bunch of brown paper bags.
“What are you doing?” I asked him.
“Preparing.”
What is a favorite game for ghouls?
Chase!
My mum makes peas for every meal. I'm sick of her reci-peas.
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