Why did the orange stop rolling down the hill? It ran out of juice.
"Over-easy like Sunday morning."
My mind works like lightning.
One brilliant flash and it's gone.
I tried to give the guy who came to clean our septic tank out a beer. He said, “I’m not the type of guy who drinks on the job.”
I said, “Yeah, you wouldn’t want you’re boss to catch you sh*t faced.”
Overheard on a bus... What do you call a social hermit crab?
Just a crab.
You don’t like my winter pun? How cold!
Why can't you use beef stew as a password?
Because it's not stroganoff.
Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.
Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
Germinate: To become a naturalized German.
Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot.
Why did the geologist go on a date to the quarry?
He wanted to be a little boulder.
I think i spent way too much on this table. It is just not a foldable.
A berry funny strawberry candy is called a Laffy taffy.
Why did Santa put a clock in his sleigh? He wanted to see time fly!
My wife isn't talking to me because apparently I ruined her birthday....
I don't know how I did that... I didn't even know it was her birthday!
What is a cat’s favorite class at school? Hiss-tory!
After the rain has cleared and the sun comes out, rainbows are so quick to appear they'll red like wildfire.
Did you hear about the Wi-Fi wedding?
The ceremony was awful, but the reception was great!
When it was raining yesterday, I saw a man use ketchup and I got quite shocked. It is only later that I learnt he was taking advantage of the raining cats and hot dogs.
What do neurons do on their birthdays?
They cell-ebrate
What did the swimming pool say to the skimmer?
Leaf me alone!
What did the numerator say to the denominator when they broke up?
I'm so over you!
My dog needed date ideas.
I told him to whine and dine her.
Did you hear about the Owl that could play American football?
It was a superb_owl.
A little girl is having a tea party with her teddy bear.
"Would you like anything to eat Mr. Bear?" she asks.
"No thanks, I'm stuffed."
I asked my nectarine friend how she was doing after her break up and she said 'It's the pits, man.'
Why can't TLC be nurses?
Because they don't want no scrubs.
How do you apologize to a koala?
Bear your heart and soul to them.
Talk literary to me.
A few years ago, I had a job translating pre-Classical Greek literature into Braille.
It feels like ancient history.
What do you call a turtle chef?
A slow cooker.
My local pizza place is selling heart shaped pizzas for Valentine’s Day
I find it to be a bit cheesy
What does a cat say when it gets injured? MeOWWW!
What do sailors buy to customise the back of their ships?
Aft-ermarket parts!
What does a bankrupt frog say?
Baroke, baroke, baroke.
Why are trees the best frenemies? They are great at throwing shade.
The urinals were broken at my dad's work
He had to walk a long distance to go to the bathroom. When the plumber came and informed him the urinals were fixed, my dad told him "I'm relieved!"
What do we call two birds that are in love?
Tweet-hearts!
What’s black and white and goes up and down?
A panda who’s stuck in a lift.
What did the mitt say to the baseball?
Hey baby, you're quite a catch.
What's a bee's favorite hairstyle?
A buzz cut.
When dad died he left me his Subaru.
It was his final Legacy.
The price of candy at the movie theater is quite ridiculous. They're always raisinet!
What does Frosty the Snowman do to combat his worries about melting?
Take a chill pill!
My brother sprayed on some of his new deodorant. "How do I smell?" He asked.
"With your nose" I replied.
What do 99 percent of pigs ask for on their hamburgers? Piggles.
My job installed this new faucet.
I'm really faucinated by it.
When I proposed to my fiancee, she started crying. It must be because I proposed to her with an onion ring.
You did a grape job raisin me. Happy birthday!
A rare black tiger is spotted in India
Everywhere else it has stripes.
When Lincoln had asked Republican Senator John if he would aid him in capturing Atlanta, he replied, "Sher-man!"
What is a skeleton’s favorite mode of transport?
A scare-plane.
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