How do you keep a goat from charging?
You take his credit card away!
In the corn maze, I felt like I was being stalked. It was earie.
What do you call a werewolf escapologist?
Hairy Houdini.
What did one water bottle ask the other water bottle?
Water you doing today?
The injured player wanted to congratulate the winner, but he couldn’t walkover to the other side of the court.
College-age vampires only ever shop in one place - Forever 21.
Why are artists so temperamental? They have to get into the right frame of mind.
Who did Dracula take to the school dance? His ghoul friend.
What condiment needs to go to the restroom the most?
Must-turd.
Why do witches fly on broomsticks?
Because vacuum cleaner cords aren’t long enough.
What do you call a camel that looks the same from both directions?
A palindromedary!
"Did you hear how the baker proposed to his girlfriend?"
"Yeah, he told her he loafed her more than life itself"
"No, he actually told her how much he kneaded her"
Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.
Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
Germinate: To become a naturalized German.
Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot.
An owner of a pizza shop has just been found dead covered with pineapple, ham, mushrooms, and pepperoni. Word is that he topped himself.
Waddaya get when you cross a cowboy with an Egyptian Pharaoh?
Darn Tutankhamun!
What’s a potatoes favorite horror movie? The Silence of the Yams.
A farmer counted 297 cows in the field.
But when he rounded them up, he had 300.
How do you make a dog stop barking in the backyard?
Move him to the front yard.
How did Gertie Gorilla win the beauty contest? She was the beast of the show!
How do you hold a bat?
By the wings.
Which technique does a Gorilla borrow from another animal when it gets romantic? The bear hug!
A slimey snake slithered down the sandy sahara.
My grandpa left me a violin and an oil painting in his will.
When I took them to be valued, I was told that they were by Van Gogh and Stradivarius. Sadly they were worthless as Van Gogh was rubbish at making violins and Stradivarius was an awful painter.
A vampire broke up with his girlfriend when she had a blood test. He told her she wasn't his type.
Why shouldn’t you let kids watch big band performances on TV?
Too much sax and violins.
If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?
Pilgrims.
What do you call a parrot that won’t eat?
A Polly-no-meal.
What did the electrical engineer say when he got shocked? That hertz.
What did the nectarine say after the church service? The peacher gave a great sermon!
What do you call monkeys who share an Amazon account?
Prime mates.
Where do criminal unicorns sentenced to death go? They go on corn row.
Does anybody remember the joke I posted about my spine?
It was about a weak back.
Q: Why did the orange cross the road?
A: Because everyone thought he was a chicken.
Why do travel nurses and boxers get along?
They know how to stick and move.
My son's asked for a strange Christmas present this year. It's really cheap though so I don't mind.
I'm not sure why he wants an eggs box though.
Why doesn’t the squirrel accept cash or credit at his store? Because it only accepts cash.
What’s the difference between a violin and a fiddle?
One has strings and the other has strangs.
What do you get if you cross two snakes with a magic spell?
Addercadabra and abradacobra.
What do you call a dog with a fever? A hot dog.
When I was in school I got a B in biology, a C in chemistry.
And an F in Physics.
How can you tell the camera was afraid of the toaster?
Everytime he looked at it, it made him shutter.
Some say that puns aren't very funny, while others take them very seriously...
I guess the one thing we can all agree on is that puns are no joke.
Why couldn't the little witch read her spellbook?
It was written in curse-ive.
How did the serve know when the bad serve was not with the hand? The server knew it was the foot fault.
What type of food do mummies like?
Chicken wraps.
What would you call a familiar scent?
Nose-talgic.
What do zebras hold?
Ze boobs.
Who is the superhero who loves to have soup all the time? Souper-man.
A magnetic strawberry is always red and points north.
Two cabinets walk out of a bar...
One says to the other, "you walking home?" and the other replies, "Nah, I'm cabinet."
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