Have you read the book about hands? It’s a real page turner.
What do you call a mouse who can pick up a horse? Sir!
When you walk into the bathroom...
Urine there.
What did ancient Egyptian pharaohs sleep on?...
...Temple-pedic mattresses...
I ate the exam paper
Which means that sooner or later I will pass the test
Why can’t minerals ever lie?
They’re always in their pure form.
What do you call a loud conversation? A megaphone.
My keyboard is missing a key. I lost ctrl.
What was the most famous bat comedy team?
Ab-bat and Costello.
Where did the onion find his family history?
In the archives
I was at my hotel in Spain and wasn't feeling well.
Reception said they had a doctor on staff.
The doctor asked me lots of questions and I was then feeling much better.
I told reception I didn't expect a hotel would have a doctor on staff
They said it was a Spanish Inn Physician
What happens if you read too many Painful baseball Puns?
You're left in stitches.
What do they serve at birthday parties in heaven?
Angel food cake, of course!
What is the chemical formula for the molecules in candy? Carbon-Holmium-Cobalt-Lanthanum-Tellurium or CHoCoLaTe
What do you call a sausage that's been to the doctor? Cured meat!
How can you tell a wine taster is a newbie?
By the blanc look on her face.
Why couldn’t the Italian man get into his house?
He had gnocchi.
I’m chocolate to my appointment!
Let's pumpkin spice things up a bit
You have goat to be kidding me.
What did King Arthur call his sneakiest knight?
Sir Valence.
Time to celery-brate.
What kind of car do fancy horses drive?
Mustangs.
A space fish is usually called starfish.
What did the band Boston say in praise of the Sistine Chapel?
"It's more than a ceiling"
Why did the teacher use the evolution of Thor in viking mythology to teach both literature and Northern European history in her class?
She wanted to demonstrate using a Meta-Thor.
Vincent vowed vengeance very vehemently.
What do lawyers snack on?
Plea-nuts.
How many mosquito's does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only 2, no idea how they got there.
Friends are like condoms: They protect you when things get hard.
You know those silly hacker movies where they're hacking so hard they type on two keyboards at once?
Such blatant stereo-typing
If you go to a beach and you can see through it, you could say the coast is clear.
What did the Cheese salesman say? That cheese may be Gouda, but this one is Feta!
My friend just found out she will be giving birth to twins in 9 months!
For now, they're just cell mates.
There are actually two types of apple: pine – apple and bad – apple.
What do you call a group of penniless Viking grave diggers?
The poor norsemen of the necropolis.
Where did the Terminator find extra olive oil??
Aisle B, back.
What to give your favorite electrical engineer for his birthday?
Shorts.
Why do tigers always hunt and eat their prey raw? Because they don't know how to cook it.
Seth at Sainsbury's sells thick socks.
I can't find my scrubber in the shower
It's aloof-ah
My friend asked me how my pet crow communicates…
I replied, “Microwaves”.
Why did the freezer never graduate?
Because it was set on 0 degrees.
It’s party thyme.
What do dogs and commas have in common? Dogs have claws at the end of their paws and commas are a pause at the end of a clause.
Life without you would be un-bear-able.
Why didn't the frog park on the side of the road?
He was afraid of getting toad.
Where do parrots invest their money?
In the stork market
What did the dog say when he sat on sandpaper?
That was ruff.
Mary Mac's mother's making Mary Mac marry me.
My mother's making me marry Mary Mac.
Will I always be so Merry when Mary's taking care of me?
Will I always be so merry when I marry Mary Mac?
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