Did you hear about the medieval siege where the attackers ran out of ammunition? So, they loaded a severed peasant's head onto a trebuchet and fired it. By sheer luck, it hit the Duke's son and knocked him off the battlefield.
Yeah, apparently it was the first-ever serf face to heir missile.
Why are cherries unassuming? Because they often get made into humble pie.
What is a dairy product like as a partner?
They’re your butter half.
Why do skeleton's make such good comedians? They have so many funny bones.
I asked my husband to please press pause on the movie We were watching.
He called the dog over for the task, wanted to press his paws.
When many knights were being killed by guns and bombs, the medieval scientist discovered a weapon that would destroy all their enemies. It was known as the knightrogen bomb!
I spent last Christmas with a bunch of soft fruit. I kept getting confused with the toast – they were saying “Eat, drink and be cherry!”
I stopped ironing my clothes.
I have less pressing concerns.
Did you hear about the restaurant they built on the moon?
The food is good but it lacks atmosphere.
Why wasn't the jogger all that bummed out when his girlfriend broke up with him?
'Cause they had a good run.
How do you make dog bread?
Just use collie flour.
Q: How do clouds keep in touch with each other?
A: Using sky-pe.
There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest.
He sent in ten different puns hoping at least one of the puns would win but, unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
I wouldn't say I liked the documentary that I had watched on the history of WD-40. It was non-friction.
What happens when an alligator drives a boat?
He becomes a navigator.
My brother is a real estate agent. He greets me with, "Hey bro, house it going?"
In Ancient Rome, there were 4 types of poison. Poisons I, II, and III would all kill you with varying degrees of pain.
However, Poison IV would just make you really itchy.
Dracula had to move out of his medieval castle for a couple of weeks because it was getting re-vamp-ed!
You wanna know the way to my heart?
A scalpel and a bone saw.
Q: Why are tigers religious?
A: Because they prey frequently, and prey as a family!
What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?
Everyone is happy when the case is closed.
How do you catch an electric eel?
You can catch an electric eel with a lightning rod!
Boil ’em, mash ’em, stick ’em in a stew. Happy Birthday from me to you!
Who's got a penchant for spearing? Pronger!
You can't blame anyone if you fall in your driveway due to snowy weather...
Because that's your own asphalt.
Today, we had to create a new hang position for some lighting fixtures. After all day trying, we couldn't get the new batten hung properly.
Turns out it was just a pipe dream.
What did the dolphin say to the blue whale?
“Cheer up!”
Sip, sip, horray!
Why did the tadpole feel lonely?
Because he was newt to the area.
Why didn't the two worms get on Noah's Ark in an apple? Because everyone had to go on in pairs.
What do you call a Swedish cycling group?
Viking Biking
Where do the astronauts park their vehicles? At the parking meteors.
Why is it always easy for vampires to find their better halves?
Because it’s always love at first bite.
Why did the obtuse angle go to the beach?
Because it was over 90 degrees.
Why did the quarterback suddenly walk off the field?
The coach told him to take a hike!
Which fish can perform operations?
A Sturgeon.
Peaches tend to be really mean. After all, they have hearts of stone.
My sister's trying to get famous. She'll never make it, she's just a wanna-pea.
Why did the tiger eat the tightrope walker?
It wanted a balanced diet.
Why do tigers always hunt and eat their prey raw? Because they don't know how to cook it.
Which is the Richest Cheese in the world? Paris Stilton.
If only I could grow green stuff in my garden like I can in my refrigerator.
Love at frost sight!
“I don’t find health-related puns funny anymore since I started suffering from an irony deficiency.”
Why do stoner tourists spend so much money while on a skiing holiday at Aspen?
Because they're high rollers!
What drink brings you down to earth? Gravi-Tea.
What did the zombie say when he failed the exam?
- I didn't have enough brains.
Q: Why did no one like peach’s personality?
A: Because it had a heart of stone.
Having a ball
What did the teenage crow want for his birthday? A brand new caw!
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