What do you call a skeleton who goes out in the snow?
A numb-skull.
I have a lot of respect for fans of football teams that consist of only ghosts
They have a lot of spirit.
Why do you never see owls being affectionate in the rain? It's too wet to woo.
There was once a mountain biker who murdered everyone in his path because he was a clinical cycle-path!
A few years ago, I had a job translating pre-Classical Greek literature into Braille.
It feels like ancient history.
Why did the larger car go first?
It had the right of weigh.
When is a pumpkin not a pumpkin? When you drop it; then it's squash!
What goes black, white, black, white, black, white?
A panda rolling down a hill.
My friend asked me why I was wearing a lamp shade over my face.
I replied, "I am feeling light headed."
Vegetarians in the sixth century were called peasants.
I just burned my Hawaiian pizza in the oven
I guess I should have put it on aloha setting
How many lips does a flower have?
Tulips.
How did the dinosaur feel after he ate a pillow? Down in the mouth.
I love my wife with all my butt! I should have to say heart, but my heart is actually smaller than my butt.
Bad saxophone players should be put on some kind of public list.
I want to know if I'm living next to a registered sax offender.
Why are geologists never hungry?
They lost their apatite.
Skier in ER: Doc, I slipped on my way to the chairlift.
Doctor: Icy.
What do zombie actors do before they perform?
They re-hearse.
Why did the beaver refuse to laugh at any of the twig's jokes? He is not a big fan of dry humor.
I was asked why I love to clean lemon juice from windows, to which I replied
“It’s easy peasy lemon squeegee.”
What do vets call a paralyzed squirrel? A busted nut.
Anyone who is born in a car and dies outside is known as car born die oxide.
What type of weapon does a vegetable knight use?
A-spear-iguess
What does a giant Tyrannosaurus eat? Anything she wants!
Mom, what do we have for dinner? I cannot tell you, son, it is a soup-rise! Is it soup? I soup-pose it would be.
It’s snow joke.
I ran out of toilet paper so I had to start using old newspapers.
The Times are rough.
What happens when you turn on a computer?
You turn it's floppy disk into a hard disk.
Why do turtles never forget?
Because they have turtle recall.
What kind of croc hangs out in back passages around town?
An Alley-gator.
Why couldnt the pumpkin have kids?
He had a halloweener.
A guy wearing a suit and tie walks into a bar with an alligator…
He walks up to the bartender and asks, “Do you serve lawyers here?”
“Yes sir, we do,” says the bartender.
The guy smiles and says, “Great. Then I’ll have a beer, and my ‘gator will have a lawyer.”
The salesman at the furniture store told me "This sofa will seat 5 people without any problems!"
To which I said, “Where on earth am I going to find 5 people without any problems?”
On a keyboard, nothing is under control.
What do you call a cannibal that works in a university?
Hannibal Lecture.
They say that volleyball is just mind over matter. Because in our minds, you don’t matter.
What is a flower’s favorite Journey song?
Don’t stop be-leafing.
Irish food is legen-dairy.
At a restaurant, the peach said, "Hey, I would like a peach of cake for dessert, thank you!"
A brain aneurysm would be swell.
What do you call two peas in a pod?
Peepee
What is a cat’s favorite song? Three blind mice!
Never date a Theater person...
... wayyy too much Drama...
I made my mother's French sister angry
Now she's a cross aunt.
Deja brew all over again.
RIP boiled water.
You will be mist.
When doing laundry, the mother wolf accidentally fell into the washing machine. It became a wash and wearwolf.
Why are leaves always getting into risky business? They keep having to go out on a limb.
Why do bananas wear suntan lotion? Because they peel!
What do you do if your nose goes on strike?
Picket.
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