The favourite day of the week for wolves is moonday.
I googled 'lost medieval servant boy'
The result was 'This page cannot be found.'
How does the recipe for German Sauerbraten begin? "First invade ze kitchen."
What does the zombie say to her zombie crush?
- Are you going to kiss me or rot?
What do you call a group of killer whales carrying musical instruments.
An orca-stra.
What a is ghoul’s favorite pet?
Ghoulfish!
Dud you know Astronauts said steaks are better in space?
They're a little meteor.
"My day just went from super to sip-erb, real quick."
Why can't you hear a psychiatrist when they go to the bathroom?
Because the P is silent.
Q: What did the tree say to the wind?
A: Leaf me alone
Did you hear about the guy who's blanket fell off of him in the hospital?
He never recovered.
My computer became self aware and asked for a snack.
I replied, "Sorry I'm fresh out of computer chips."
What’s the suns favorite clothes brand?
Kelvin Klein.
Picky people pick Peter Pan Peanut-Butter, 'tis the peanut-butter picky people pick.
Why did Princess Leia lose all her friends and family?
She got involved with Alderaan people.
What do you call a goblin brigand?
A robgoblin.
What problem did the young bat experience?
The hangout.
What did the cherry say to the cherry pie? I really crust you.
My father is so cheap...
When we go to bed he unplugs the clocks.
My wife made beef stew to clear my stuffed nose...
...bud I don'd dink it was strogonoff.
What do pigs drive? Pigup trucks.
I just finished my masters in engineering with a concentration in adhesives...
Within the next year I want to publish my first book on tape.
What should you do if you can't afford a fancy trumpet?
Buy a frugelhorn
I tried out a lactose free diet. I stopped because I couldn’t figure out how to milk the almonds.
Life without you would be un-bear-able.
What kind of ears do trains have?
Engineers.
Its ok to kiss a nun....
But don't get into the habit.
When alligators need energy, they just slug down some gator-ade.
What’s another name for a chess-nut? A nut who loves chess.
Why are goats and rhinos attracted to each other?
Because they are both horny animals.
What would you call a familiar scent?
Nose-talgic.
The cookie monster couldn’t make his bed, why? Because he couldn’t find his cookie sheets.
Why did the hotel staff dress as witches for Halloween?
Because they provided broom service!
The sweetest and fruitiest historical wonder of the world is the Grape Wall of China.
Cherry pie will set you back 10 dollars in Antigua, but 15 in Barbados. Yes, those are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
“I love when candy canes are in mint condition.”
Why did the turkey sit on the tomahawk? To hatchet.
I’m putting an official ban on rabbit puns. They are not bunny anymore.
Pack your trunks – we’re having a pool party!
What do you call 144 kangaroos in a box?
Gross.
They consider a million years ago to be Recent.
What did the home owner say to the mug shot when he put it up on his wall
"You've been framed!"
What did the bacteria say to the bee to cheer it up?
Gram positive
Why was the Navy Seal sad?
He doesn't like the color blue.
What do you call the onions which are small and yellow and very naughty? You call it a minonion!
What do you get when you put a saxophonist in a freezer?
Cool jazz.
How Do Ducks Talk?
They don't, you quack.
Is it possible to scare a sasquatch out of your yard by tossing eggs at him?
Only if you eggs-terminate him.
Accidentally ran over a French seal today .
Phoque.
Two Pharaohs are looking for a Sarcophagus...
they walk up to the sarcophagus salesman and the first Pharaoh says "We are looking for the cheapest sarcophagus you have for sale." The salesman asks "you're not looking for a fancy one?"
The second Pharaoh says "no, we are just trying to get our mummy's worth."
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