I fell asleep on my phone the other day. It downloaded a nap.
What was the dog’s favorite book?
Winnie the Pooch. He loves to read a lot of story tails before bed.
What has four wheels and flies?
A garbage truck!
What do you get when you put the number 3.14 in the middle of the onions? You get o-pi-nions!
Did you know there's a college in the brain for hippopotami?
It's called the Hippocampus.
How did the shark plead in its murder trial?
Not gill-ty.
Poured beer over my garden before planting the lawn. I hoped the grass would come up half cut.
The most suitable way to bake a pie in autumn is to bake it to pie-fection!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Peanut.
Peanut who?
Peanut butter open the door!
The nectarine academic is doing a Ph.D. in 'Peach and Language Psychology' from the University of Georgia.
What do you call a pig that gets the test answer wrong? Mistaken bacon.
How do comedians like their eggs?
Funny side up.
What does a meditating egg say?
Ohmmmmmmmlet.
Why do werewolves howl at the moon?
Because no one else will do it for them!
Dung Beetles know how to keep their sh** together.
I recently got two German Shepherds. Because
I wanted some paw-dy guards.
What can you make with 6.02 x 10^23 avocados?
Guaca-mole.
Where do werewolves hate shopping?
The flea market.
Did you guys see the cow with facial hair?
It has a moo-stache.
What’s an alligator’s favorite dip?
Croc-amole.
My girlfriend was arrested for assault using an iron skillet
We'll see how this pans out but I think she's fried.
I’m ready to shamrock and roll.
The yearbook superlative that Robert Lee had given in his graduation was "Most likely to secede."
What has 100 teeth and eats wieners? A zipper!
When your poo goes into the sewers, it's not yours anymore.
It becomes pooblic domain.
What did the cherry say to the cherry pie? I really crust you.
Q: What made the green pea turn red?
A: It saw the salad dressing.
Is your nickname cream cheese? Because you’re about to get bageled.
Why do trees always walk so slowly? All they can do is lumber around.
What did the cloud say to the rainbow? Thank you for adding color to my day.
A plate of sandwiches walks into a bar. The barman says “we don’t serve food”.
I had to work with two different hospitals for my Knee Surgery...
It was a joint venture.
When you come across oranges wearing suntan lotion, don’t judge them harshly. They do so in order not to peel.
A mountain biker was chased by a Grizzly this morning. He bearly made it.
What does Avogadro put in his hot chocolate?
Marsh-mole-ows
Why did Don Corleone send back the plate for his coffee cup?
Someone gave him a saucer he could not reuse.
What do you call a Korean knight who is looking for his lost belongings? He goes by the name Sir Ching!
My pet seal was getting a bit old and wrinkly
...so I bought a seal iron
This weekend is going to be LITerary.
Did you hear about the crab that went to the seafood disco? He pulled a muscle
Why was Mozart a child prodigy?
All his early pieces were in A sharp minor.
What a is ghoul’s favorite pet?
Ghoulfish!
How do yetis stay regular?
They always know wendigo.
Why does the fairy kingdom smell so awful?
Because of all the toad stools.
Someone threw a jar of mayo at me
I yelled what the Hellmann?!
A car carrying bank robbers and a truck carrying cement collided yesterday. Police are now searching for hardened criminals.
What kind of ice cream do pigs like best?
Hoggin Daz!
What kind of tests are witches given in school?
Hex-aminations.
Why don’t trees travel in groups? Because two’s a company, but tree’s a crowd.
Where did the music teacher leave her keys?
In the piano.
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