I just got back from Dubai where I was offered 40 camels for my wife.
I usually smoke Marlboro but hey... a deal's a deal.
Why is the pickle container always open?
Because it's ajar.
My birch of a wife just told me she wants a divorce. Says she’s tired of all of my tree puns.
Why do toilet paper rolls have trust issues?
They're always getting ripped off.
My mother always used to say "The way to a man's heart is through his stomach"
Nice lady and all, I truly loved her, but a terrible surgeon.
What did the real estate agent do when her buyer was on a budget?
She asked the listing agent what would be the condominimum offer the owner would take.
My hair was acting crazy so I told it to comb down.
"Aloe you vera much."
Why did the banana go to see the doctor? The banana was not peeling very well.
When whisking something, do it with caution.
It’s whisky business.
What’s in the middle of a jellyfish?
A jelly button.
What did the boy volcano say to the girl volcano? I really lava you!
A friend of mine was taking a bath when he realised he wasn’t a very good burglar.
I heard this pun about a cheese grater the other day...
It was a grate joke.
Why did the vampire need mouthwash? Because he had bat breath.
She sells seashells by the seashore.
Why won’t crocodiles attack lawyers?
Professional courtesy!
What's the difference between a high-hit baseball and a maggot's father?
One is a pop fly and the other is a fly pop.
When the proposal of building a parking lot was given to Richard III, he told said, "Over my dead body."
Hot dog, I love a good meat pun.
The best years of my life were spent in the arms of another man’s wife
Happy Mother’s Day!
My friend impresses girls by drawing realistic pictures of trucks. He's a pickup artist!
Archeologists say that mummies are very hard to find. Because they're all kept under wraps.
What do you call a catholic toaster strudel?
A pope tart.
What do you call a giant gorilla with pean u t butter in one ear and Jam in the other?
Anything you want, he's not going to hear you!
What's a fish's favorite musical instrument?
A bass guitar.
If there's a bee in my hand, then what's in my eye?
Beauty.
Beauty is in the eye of the bee holder.
What do you call a musical lime?
John Lemon.
Anything is popsicle during summer!
What does a bowler and a Thanksgiving guest have in common?
They both want a Turkey.
What type of onion can't hold in moisture?
A leek.
Coming to Theaters: The thrilling tale of a man who cooked biographical books like turkey on Thanksgiving.
*Baste on a True Story...*
What happens when a koala drinks too much alcohol? He gets a bear gut.
What Did The Duck Say When The Waitress Came?
Put it on my bill!
Geology rocks but Geography is where it's at.
Did you hear the plum joke? A: It was pitiful.
Can I have some of your avocado?
GUAC NO! I give zero guacs! You need to guac off!
I went deep sea diving and a mollusk wanted to give me a hug!
Damn cuddlefish.
What did the father cantaloupe say to his son?
“Watermelon! (Water-my-lawn)”
I was hiking with my friend in the woods and bear attacked him
It was unbearable to watch
Which color is the fastest?
Red, because it is always redy.
The zombie's had some bad news.
He's looking very grave.
"Just looking on the sunny side."
what do people win at fancy grammar competitions.
a posh trophy.
What do you call a cross between a donkey and a zebra?
Debra.
I’ve got a phobia of over-engineered buildings.
It’s a complex complex complex.
What is the only difference between a lion and a tiger? The mane part is missing in a tiger.
September and October are considered to be the best months of the year, I say this from the b-autumn of my heart.
The bowl of soup you bought yesterday from the Chinese restaurant was souper terrible.
How do you get a squirrel to be your friend?
Act like a nut.
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