I'm giving away a free legless parrot.
No perches necessary.
My kid’s toy submarine was having trouble staying under water...
I hope this will not surface again
My neighbor tried to charge me $20 to watch the eclipse from his balcony.
I told him that was daylight robbery.
I like my breakfast like my tennis grip: Continental.
If you happen to knock down all the pins, don’t be overly excited. Spare us the details.
I think I met a medieval water snake
But I can't tell if it actually happened or if it was a dream.
It was totally Sir Eel.
What do you call a mouse that doesn't eat, drink, or even walk? A computer mouse.
What do French cars wear as hats?
Bonnets.
What is the difference between archeology and grave robbing?
About 200 years
Where do killer whales go to get their braces?
The orca-dontist.
What do you call a talkative drink? Chai Tea.
Why did the tiger eat the tightrope walker?
It wanted a balanced diet.
How do lumberjacks shut down their computers?.
They log off.
Why do skeletons never move?
Because they have too much Skelatonin.
You are spud-tacular.
How do you greet a skeleton in france?
"Bonejour."
Why are fish so smart?
Because they live in a school.
The Easter Bunny won’t be making his usual rounds this year. He’s laid up with a hareline fracture.
What did the artichoke say to the man eating a salad? Have a heart.
Where do pepperonis go on vacation?
The Leaning Tower of Pizza.
Where do you store peach juice? Inside of a peach-er.
Why do zebras have stripes?
Because they don't want to be spotted.
My neighbour always thinks he knows more about the weather than me
The guy is a real snow it all.
What do you call a snake that builds things?
A boa constructor.
Why can you tell that Theresa May failed physics?
She had power and time but didn't get the work done.
I'd advise against letting a vampire drive you home after a Halloween party. They never check their mirrors, it will drive you batty.
What did Santa name his dog? Santa Paws!
What did the llama say when the other llama asked if they wanted to go on holiday?
Alpaca suitcase.
What happens when fish start an addiction to worms?
They get hooked.
I found a side job collecting dog poo from people's yards.
It's not much, but business is picking up.
Q. Which kind of ape enjoys smoking tobaco?
A. Cigarilla.
What did the Turkey wear on Halloween?
He was a goblin.
I squeezed a lemon on my wife's lap two hours ago...
She's been a sourpuss about it ever since.
What do the peanuts and walnuts have in common? They are both nuts.
How many Winter Park ski instructors does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to screw it in, and two to say, "Nice Turns, Nice Turns!"
Don’t expect to hear yourself urinate after taking the Pfizer vaccine.
I had a doctor tell me the P was silent.
What’s the great white shark’s favorite candy?
Jaw-Breakers.
Why was the sweet potato too shy to ask out the russet potato? Because he was a real spud.
I like European food so I decided to Russia over there because I was Hungary. After Czech'ing the menu I ordered Turkey. When I was Finnished I told the waiter 'Spain good but there is Norway I could eat another bite'.
Scuba diving is a good hobby... if you wanna hit rock bottom.
Why are blood physicians so rich?
Because blood cells.
I’ve decided to name my son Mark.
That way, when I die, I’ll be able to say I left a mark on this world.
Why did the owl invite his friends over?
He didn't want to be owl by himself.
What do you call a panda who’s lost his dinner?
Bamboozled.
What do you call yogurt that is terrified of other dairy products? A cow-ard!
happens when you bother the parietal lobe?
It gets very touchy.
A wind turbine saw a solar panel at an energy convention. He leaned in and shouted, Hey, I’m a big fan!”
An elephant's opinion carries a lot of weight.
Why don't they sell GPSs in Italy?
Because all the roads lead to Rome.
Ideally, the cost of a bowling game should be ten pinnies. However, with inflation, the price always goes up.
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