I fed my wife some ground chick peas and she choked to death
The police are treating it as a hummuside.
No need to light a night-light on a light night like tonight.
When doing laundry, the mother wolf accidentally fell into the washing machine. It became a wash and wearwolf.
What kind of insect is bad at football?
A fumble-bee.
A baseball walks into a bar. The bartender throws him out.
How does an attorney sleep? First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.
A zoo owner introduced his tiger to the visitors by saying "this is the most paw-some tiger at the zoo".
How many saws could a see-saw saw if a see-saw could saw saws?
What is a neuroscientist's favorite type of dog?
A labratory retriever.
“I am hungary.”
“Maybe you should czech the fridge.”
“I’m russian to the kitchen.”
“Is there any turkey?”
“We have some, but it’s covered in greece”
“ew, there’s norway I’d eat that!”
When she saw all the madness around her, March said, “what’s all that bracket”.
I inshtalled my shelf wrong and it fell on top of me, breaking my jaw. Now I shound weird.
I guesh I only have myshelf to blame.
What is a pink bird's favorite dance? Flamin-tango.
How do snowboarders introduce themselves when they meet somebody on the slopes?
Sorry Dude.
Do you know how long dinosaurs should be fed? Exactly the same as short dinosaurs.
Q. Why did the girl-illa win the beauty contest?
A. She was beast of show!
What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a unicycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle?
Attire.
Teaching babies to walk is hard, but you just have take it one step at a time.
Where do Vikings go when they get old?
The Norsing home.
Where do computers go to dance?
The disk-O.
I like playing chess with old people in the park, but it gets hard to find 32 of them each time.
What did the mommy dolphin do when her son was an hour late for dinner?
She flipped out!
My computer became self aware and asked for a snack.
I replied, "Sorry I'm fresh out of computer chips."
Did you hear about the cat that ate a ball of yarn? She had a litter of mittens.
What do you call it when you boil a water buffalo?
A mist steak.
How rich is Avogadro?
He's a multi-mole-ionaire.
Why didn't the ghost dance at the party? He had no body to dance with.
He is a humble husband. Unlike others, he never blows his crumpet after making breakfast for his wife everyday.
A mosquito can fly, but a fly cannot mosquito.
Putting on makeup and putting on glasses serve the same purpose...
They make the person look better!
Witches get so excited to decorate their cauldron because their favorite hobby is witchcraft.
What hotel do cheese lover’s stay in?
The Stilton.
It's nearly 6 years since US Navy SEALs took out Osama Bin Laden in Pakistan.
Talk Abbottabad place to hide.
What did the farmer yell out when ducks invaded his dairy farm? Cheese and crackers!
I read that in medieval times, if you lost your castle to invaders during a siege, it was incredibly unlikely that you'd get the well-fortified tower area back.
Guys back then were playing for keeps.
Dr. Frankenstein must have been pretty buff.
He was a bodybuilder, after all.
I love almond milk. It’s unlike any udder nut milk.
I had to work with two different hospitals for my Knee Surgery...
It was a joint venture.
I told my mother moose were falling from the sky.
She said, "It's reindeer."
They fired the loaf of bread from her job. They say that she kept breaking down and would rye on the job.
I don’t know who became more famous, Sir Francis Bacon or his son
Chris P. Bacon
Why is the letter B so cold? Because it’s between the AC.
Where do fish sleep?
On a seabed, and sometimes they vacation at the river bed.
What do you call a pickle from the southern backwoods.
A hill-dilly.
The United Nations gave its members a basket of peaches on 21 September - the International Peach Day.
Don't get caught elvesdropping on Santa!
Don’t give into beer pressure.
There's a new film out about two insects that meet in Italy.
It's Rome ants.
What do you call two kangaroos who live together?
Roo-mates.
I would talk about Valentine’s Day
But it looks like I missed my date.
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