What do you call a mouse with no balls?
Optical.
What do deer doctors specialise in? Hart surgery!
I told my family this joke about a goat...
They said it was a baaaaad joke.
When the time came, he betrayed our team and showed his blue colors.
If H20 is in the inside of a fire hydrant, what's on the outside ?
K9P.
Television is a medium,
Because anything well done is rare.
What’s a werewolf’s favorite nighttime story?
A hairy tail!
I was trying to look at a picture of the ocean but kept having to reload the page, it finally worked after 5 attempts.
That was refreshing to sea.
Why are big boats called "Yachts"?
Because they cost "Yachts of money".
Dad: “Son, your mother and I are thinking about moving to a square island.”
Son: “Wow really? Can I come too?”
Dad: “Four shore!”
What is the difference between a chemist and a geologist? While a geologist will drink anything fermented, a chemist just
drinks anything that is distilled.
Knock Knock!
Who is there?
A Bee?
A bee who?
A beaver is building a dam on the river.
"Do you know how long it takes for a bomb to explode?"
No, but dynamite!
Why did the pig become an actress? Because she was a real ham!
Why shouldn't you shop at the Banana Republic? Because the employees look like a bunch of dicks.
What’s the one way you should never greet a male pig? “Sow, what’s up?”
What is at the end of a rainbow?
The letter W.
A parishioner at my church broke into the holy water tank and splashed some on his infant daughter, saying, "your are hereby baptized!"
That's just not rite.
Q: What happened to the peach who went to meet the knife?
A: He came back in many peaches.
What did the steak say to his girlfriend? You're the apple of my rib-eye!
I’ll think of another pun soon…
Just bear with me.
What happened when the ice monster had a furious row with Frankenstein?
He gave him the cold shoulder!
I need to apologize to my fellow Californians for all the recent forest fires.
Apparently I'm the only one that could've prevented them
To whom did the squirrel go to seek out his fortune.
Nutradamus.
A dangerous surge of electricity walks into a bar. The barman says, why the long phase?”
Why was the chef surprised that anyone like her bread?
She thought it was crumby.
Why did the cow and the bull become so close? Because they became beef-friends.
What kind of seal do you get on letters from Turkey?
A stamped bull.
What do you name a knight who has been able to persevere through all the barriers in his way? A Sir Vivor!
What do you call a owl dance party that only plays folk music?
A hootenanny.
A chemical in science class can make your hands go numb
But math will make you number.
I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. I lost my case.
Why do blues musicians tour the most in the summer? So they can visit all their kids.
Where are dramatic hard drives from?
Oh I/O
I used to search for clams on the beach
But then I pulled a mussel.
Your good seed for the day.
My friend keeps joking about the thing he has to wear to cover his mouth while he's exercising outside.
It's a running gag.
I passed my dentistry tests with an A in my written paper.
In Oral, B.
Chuck berry was undoubtedly the greatest rock and roll strawberry.
I told the cowboy to eat salad with his fingers
He said he needed a ranch hand.
Gold riddance.
Made the mistake of offering my realtor some lipton iced tea
I forgot that he only drinks realty.
What do you call a person with a peg nose acting suspicious?
Suspeg.
Where do squirrels go when they have a nervous breakdown?
To the nut-house.
I re-skinned my drums with the skin my faithful steed Chestnut. I want people to reflect on the emotional connection between man and beast through the art of drum solos.
But my wife says I'm just beating a dead horse.
Do you know how long dinosaurs should be fed? Exactly the same as short dinosaurs.
What happened to the vet that was accused of negligence? They were sued for meow-practice
This Valentine's day, I decided to pay extra and buy flowers that look after themselves.
They are Self Raising.
How does Toucan Sam wear a belt?
He puts it through his loops
What do you give a deer with an upset stomach?
Elka Seltzer.
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