What did the plate say to the fork? Lunch is on me.
- Dad, where are the DVDs? Where's Shrek, I want to watch it.
- Somewhere ogre there.
Why did the skeleton start a fight?
He had a bone to pick.
What did the prehistoric Greeks call their goddess of love?
Troglodite.
How do astronauts cook their meals?
With a Space Heater!
What did the patient with the broken leg say to their doctor?
Hey doc, I have a crutch on you.
Want to hear the best rock puns? Give me a moment and I'll dig something up!
Why did the game warden arrest the ghost? No haunting license.
Why has the prosthesis dealer become a private detective?
He has a nose for these things.
What sort of lights were on Noah’s Ark?
Flood lights.
Happy St. Cat-rick’s day!
I’ve got a phobia of over-engineered buildings.
It’s a complex complex complex.
Why did the baseball team recruit a tiny ghost?
Because they needed a little team spirit.
The record store owner needed to get the albums by a Canadian band with Neil Pert on drums out on sale before Halloween...
So he put in a Rush order!
How do you wash a horse?
On a sponge-line.
Why are environmentalists bad at playing cards? They like to avoid the flush.
My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on?!
A boy lines up to get some apple juice and a girl lines up to get some orange juice
This would be funny but there’s no punchline.
Why did the vampire strike out?
He used the wrong bat.
How do you tell others that your Israeli husband made coffee?
Hebrew.
What did the Christmas tree tell his crush? I pine for you.
What do a witch and a candle have in common?
They're both wicked.
What's the difference between a BMW and a Cactus?
Pricks are on the outside of Cactuses.
Pennies and quarters rain from the sky
"Wow!" I say. "It's climate change!"
Ireland you money, if you’ll pay me back.
You shamrock my world.
The inventor of mosquito repellent likely did not know where to begin...
I guess he would have to start from scratch.
What do you call a tree with no tinsel, baubles, or topping?
A tree.
What is a koala’s favorite pop singer? Koala Rae Jepsen. Her most popular song? “Koala Me Maybe”.
I asked the kids to pickup the dog poo out the back
They did a crap job.
I couldn't stop laughing when my father warned my brother, saying, "If you hack my Microsoft Office, I will find you, you have my Word".
What did the jockey respond when someone asked to ride his horse?
“Dis-mount is mine.”
A dog in a pumpkin patch is called...
a pumpkin pooch.
What did mama bread say to her kids?
It’s way past your breadtime!
I’m not lion when I say you’re my mane.
What goes eek, eek, bang?
A mouse in a minefield!
Why are some cake jokes not as good as the others?
They tend to grow mold.
My dentist asked me if I had any questions before he started.
I thought for a minute, then asked, "If oral hygiene is so important, why do you have plaque on your wall?"
Why didn't the artist replace his kitchen sink? Because he said that if it's not baroque, don't fix it.
Why do demons and ghouls hang out together?
Because demons are a ghoul's best friend.
A crow was arrested under suspicion of murder. The case was closed, as the judge said he had just caws.
Why didn’t Guns N Roses turn up for the gig when it was snowing?
Axel Froze.
"What are your thoughts on diving?"
"Well, I guess it's descent as a hobby."
What do baseball players eat their backyard BBQ on?
Home plates.
You are the coffee to my espresso and I love you a latte.
What sound does a nut make when it sneezes?
"Cashew."
There is a higher chance of being struck by lightning than to be killed in a shark attack.
Shocking isn't it.
"Happy eggster."
I was throwing oranges at tropical birds. One of them caught one then said: “Toucan play that game”
What do you get if you stand between two llamas?
Llamanated.
Go to BabaMail
