What do sprinters eat before a race?
Nothing, they fast.
What streets do zombies live on?
Dead ends.
The other day I was lifting weights on the bench press, when I dropped the weight and it fell on my chest. The nurse said I broke three ribs but I would live. Hearing that really lifted a weight off my chest.
My brother has been riding a bicycle since he was 4 years old
Damn he must be very far away by now
Blue and orange are always polite and amicable with each other because they are complementary colors.
Why is The Hulk such a good gardener? Because he’s got green fingers.
What was the most popular dance move in the colonies in 1776?
Indepen-dance.
With the kind of weather, it was almost certain that the bride-to-be would get a hoarse throat as she walked through the rain into her bridal shower.
What type of flooring do alligators have in their homes?
Rep-tiles.
You will always have
a pizza of my heart.
What did the left eye say to the right eye?
Between you and me, something smells.
They're not going to grow bananas any longer.
Apparently, they're long enough already.
Why do eggs hate jokes? Because they could crack up.
Why didn’t Dr. Frankenstein ever make a second monster?
Because he just didn’t have the guts to do it again.
Why does a horse’s hair always look so good?
She mane-tains it.
What do you call a knight made entirely out of china?
Sir Ramic.
What do you call a mouse with no balls?
Optical.
HELP! It's a taco emergency!
Dial 9 Juan Juan!
My dad enjoys writing jokes and storing them on my phone. He calls it his Dad-a-base.
If you don't use a bidet...
You're doing a half-a*sed job.
Why did the skeleton go to church?
Because it didn’t have any organs.
Where do elves vote?
The North Poll.
What's a baby gherkin's favorite TV channel?
Pickleodeon.
What is a cheese lover’s favorite musician?
Mozart-arella.
Why couldn’t the fish watch YouTube?
He couldn’t stream the video.
Did you hear about the Irish potato that immigrated?
He became a French fry.
Why are boy keyboards scared of girl keyboards?
They don't want to get qwerties.
A bear walks into a bear and says, “I’ll have a pint of lager……….. and a packet of crisps.”
The bartender says, “Sure, but what’s with the big pause?”
The bear replies, “I dunno, I was born with them!”
Black Beauty - Now there's a dark horse.
What did the cow say to his friend when they met twice in the same day? “What a cow-incidence!”
I once pranked my mom and told her that I had lyme disease
I still had a few ticks up my sleeve
What kind of lights did Noah have on the ark? Floodlights.
Why did Don Corleone send back the plate for his coffee cup?
Someone gave him a saucer he could not reuse.
Where does the Easter bunny get his eggs? From an eggplant.
I told my wife that I saw a sheep pondering its place in the world.
She asked me, “Can ewe even imagine?”
My mother's mother lost her false teeth at the retirement home. We searched the place everywhere but couldn't find them.
We looked in every nook and granny!
My dad was complaining he’d lost a sock after doing his laundry.
I said, "that's a sockrifice I had to make".
Why was the pine tree always in trouble? It kept being knotty.
It's impossible to ruin the view of the Colisseum.
I can't use my laptop anymore because someone spilled apple juice on it.
It was a cider attack.
Which English royal family was the smartest?
The Tudors.
What did the tornado say to the washing machine?
Want to go for a spin?
Why do trolls live under bridges?
To troll goats!
A pine and an apple talk to a pineapple “Poor you, my friend! You are certainly adopted, dude.”
Did you hear about the constipated crocodile?
It was a crockashit.
Why did the student get upset when his teacher called him average?
It was a ‘mean’ thing to say!
I bought a bunny because everyone needs a friend who is all ears.
To resolve the internal issues at the office, crows involved their cawnflict mediators.
In a conversation between one pin and another, one said, “Let us never split.”
What happened to the pig who liked pineapple? He turned into a porky-pine!
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