If an astronaut steps on chewing gum then what will happen to him? He will simply be stuck on the Orbit.
What did the pinecone say to the pineapple? Nice to meet juice.
What would you call a power failure? A current event.
My wife said to me that the spark between us had gone. So, I tasered her, and I’ll ask her again when she wakes up.”
A superconductor walks into a bar. The bartender says, Get out! We don’t serve your kind here.
What did the pig do when it came to a pork in the road? It pigged the road less traveled.
Good science always checks itself before it wrecks itself.
What do you call a mathematician's spouse?
Their significant figure.
As a butcher, let me advise you never to back up into the meat grinder. It will make you get a little behind in your work.
TV news anchors love the shades of red. They get serious whenever there is Burgundy.
What is a light bulb’s favorite kind of news?
Current events.
Many people believe liquid soap is more hygienic than soap bars.
Don't listen to them, it is only a slippery soap argument.
Why did the penguin cross the road?
To go with the floe!
My mom is really soup-rised at the outcome when she puts yeast in the broth.
If marriage is grand, what is divorce?
Ten grand!
I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth we can read maps backwards!" and I thought to myself...
“That’s just spam.”
Which lawn decorations move around from yard to yard?
Gnomads.
There once was a koala who could run at a speed of more than 800 miles per hour. He was the first koala to break the sound bearier.
What sickness do cowboys get from riding wild horses?
Bronchitis.
Sunshine on a Woman's Day?
Broad-day light.
I don't know don't about your faucet, but mine is doing a pour job.
I don't know what happened, but the moment I brought the onion into the kitchen, everything got rejuvenated, and everything started feeling fresh! Guess this really is a spring onion.
What did the first century Christian say about the lion that killed his wife?
I'm Gladiator.
I've written a book about a very grumpy British pea farmer, it's called "Mind your peas and queues."
This special peach school is for those Peach kids who are suffering from peach and hearing impairment.
Why does water never laugh at jokes?
It isn’t a fan of dry humor.
Why did the farmer feed his pigs a mixture of sugar, vinegar, and soy sauce? He wanted sweet and sour pork.
Where do you send turtles who commit crimes?
To the shell-block.
. What do you call it when you heard the same jogger pun earlier, yet laughed again?
A running joke.
And speaking of meloncholy, I heard that’s what you get when you cross a watermelon and broccoli.
I've just got my hand stuck in a jar of gherkins and I can't get it out.
I'm in a right pickle!
Q: Why did no one like peach’s personality?
A: Because it had a heart of stone.
I'm going to get the numbers 1 through 30 tattooed up my arm.
That way people can always count on me.
When I took a break from having soup, my mom said "Carry on, why did you stoup?"
What do you call a man who lives in a bathroom?
Lou.
I read a bunch of news articles dealing with lightning strikes recently.
I'm trying to keep myself knowledgeable about current events.
Q: What do you call a row of 10 blondes standing ear to ear?
A: A wind tunnel.
What do you call a guy with an ear fetish.
Hard for hearing.
I tried to make a wooden submarine.
It didn't go down so well.
I rushed to my local hospital only to find that it had been converted into a library
Talk about having to suffer in silence
I could borrow the step-stool from my mom, OR i could go buy something taller.
I prefer the ladder.
You are the best, I feel so peachy when I am with you!
My wife will never forget falling asleep in the sun with her breast exposed.
It’s forever burned in her mammary.
After making love the other night, I told my spouse that I love when the whisper sweet things in my ear...
So my spouse leaned in close and whispered..."Syrup."
Why are geologists great dates?
They can make your bedrock.
What do you call a girl who is standing directly in the middle of the court? Annette.
Wine Lovers Rhyme: A friend of wine is a friend of mine!
Why don’t trees travel in groups? Because two’s a company, but tree’s a crowd.
Hundreds of chickpeas were found dead the other day. The police say it's a hummuside.
Saw Humpty Dumpty shopping for Halloween supplies.
He's going to have a great fall.
What’s striped and goes round and round?
A tiger in a revolving door.
I asked the staff at my local garden center what to grow in my garden. They gave me some sage advice.
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