If volleyball were easy, they would call it football.
Checked into a hotel and was offered the black & white or the rainbow room. I chose the rainbow one as I like a room with a hue.
You know what they say about when life gives you melons?
You might be dyslexic.
Teaching babies to walk is hard, but you just have take it one step at a time.
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging.
Since then, my muggings have been far more successful.
I got an e-mail saying “At Google Earth, we can even read maps backwards”, and I thought...
“That’s just spam.”
The mummy caught a really bad cold. He cannot stop coffin.
Did you see that movie about King Kong, the giant ape?
The plot was pretty bananas.
In medieval times, what were people who worked in banks known as? They were known as fortune-tellers!
Eggs are going up again.
That'll surprise a few chickens.
Did you know that you can get a slice of lemon pie in Cuba for $1.50, but in Jamaica you can get key lime pie for $1.00?
Those are the pie rates of the Carribean.
I used to work at a nut farm
The work conditions were great but the salary was peanuts
What is a chillin' banana's favorite song?
Mellow Yellow!
What do you call a Viking who's been bitten by a vampire?
Norseferatu.
I’ll be your trick if you’ll be my treat.
What's the worst part about being a beaver?
It's a lot of dam work.
What do you get if you cross a whale with an elephant?
A submarine with a built-in snorkel.
Why does the jellybean go to school? Because he wants to become a smartie.
Where did the Terminator find extra olive oil??
Aisle B, back.
What do you call a solar powered keyboard?
A photosynthesiser
What's the difference between a stepping stool and a miniature 3D printer?
The former is a little ladder and the latter is a little former.
What did the axon terminal say to the receptor when they broke up?
I need my space.
How many Chinese folks does it take to screw in a light bulb?
They don't change lightbulbs, then just dim sum.
What kind of dog sniffs out flowers?
A bud hound.
"Lazy bones."
There’s an old oak near my house that’s always surrounded by fog.
I don’t know why, it’s a mist tree.
Why was the marathon runner plucked out of the race and taken away to jail?
For resisting a rest.
What is a dog’s favorite book?
Harry Paw-ter and the Sorcerer’s Bone.
"Eggs love you."
Everybody wants to light up a soccer stadium. However, this is only possible using a soccer match.
Someone told me I looked like a salt shaker. I took it as a condiment.
Crows go, listen, perform, and enjoy live music, at cawnsorts.
What does a deer do when it gets to its friend’s house?
Rings the deer bell.
Grammar has never been my strong suit.
How can you tell that a blondes been baking chocolate chip cookies? Theres M&M shells all over the floor.
My boss brought bagels for breakfast and asked me which one I wanted. I said "give me one of the Spanish bagels". He responded " One of the Spanish Bagels?"
"Ay poppy."
“Is this the Spanish word for ‘nap’?” She asked, pointing to a word on the page.
“Si, está.”
Q: Why couldn’t the boy keep his documents open when he left a window open in winter?
A: Because it was too Win+D
What happens if a cashew falls down your shirt?
It becomes a chestnut.
I heard someone complain about the bus being too crowded, it was a 'bus-load' of people!
What do you call a bullet proof Irishman?
Rick O'Shea.
What side of a tiger has the most stripes? The outside.
What do you call a famous turtle?
A shell-ebrity.
When does it start to rain money?
When there is change in the weather.
I used to work at a cutlery store, but I quit
No more Mr. Knife guy.
Every piece of you is sweet.
I was only taught 22 letters of the alphabet.
I don't know Y TBH.
Putting on contacts without a mirror is hard
You just gotta eyeball it.
Why do worms have trouble getting up in the morning? Because the early bird catches the worm.
If you are preparing jacket potatoes, your choice vegetables should be button mushrooms.
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