What do you get if you cross a lobster with a telephone?
A snappy talk.
What do pigs do on the evening of February 14th?
They have a valenswines dinner.
What’s the number one complaint pig spouses have about one another? Too stub-boar-n.
Who in the hell names their son “Tiger” ?
Only people in the Woods’
Shamrocks and shenanigans for all!
George Michael once damaged his ears while cleaning them...
Careless Swissper.
I feel thankful for having you as my gym buddy and lover.
Our relationship is really working out.
Being in love is a lot like central heating in your home.
You turn it on just before your guests come over and pretend that your house is always like this.
If you are preparing jacket potatoes, your choice vegetables should be button mushrooms.
Did you know that geologists are athletic? Yeah, I read it in Quartz illustrated.
What do you call a dinosaur that got stuck in the rain?
A driplodocus.
How many saws could a see-saw saw if a see-saw could saw saws?
Why did the kid keep falling off his bike? It had a banana seat.
Everything in this world is either a potato or not a potato
When I play my violin it always sounds like it's crying
It's must be too highly strung
A man showed up for a duel armed only with a pencil and paper.
He then proceeded to draw his weapon.
What do you call a pig squished by sand? A ham sandwich.
I was trying to look at a picture of the ocean but kept having to reload the page, it finally worked after 5 attempts.
That was refreshing to sea.
I got some salt in my eye
Now it’s see salt.
Why does Avogadro like Cindy Crawford?
She's his favorite super-mole-dle (and she has a mole).
Lawyer: "Doctor, as a result of your examinations, would you say the woman was pregnant?"
Doctor: "Yes, she was pregnant, but not as a result of my examination."
(Taken from an actual trial)
Mr. and Mrs. Turner had a baby girl.
They named her Paige, and they just couldn't put her down.
Ignore your mother's bad joke, son...
It's a faux pa.
What was the nickname for the knight who ruled the fort?
"Fortnite"
Someone asked me recently why I don't put any ketchup or mustard on my hotdog
And I told them it's because I just wanna relish it.
What do you call a rabbit who is angry over getting burnt? A hot cross bunny.
And what should every barista say to their customers? Have a brew-tiful day.
What do hydras fear the most?
Dehydration!
Good science always checks itself before it wrecks itself.
You’re my heartthrob.
What is the best way to communicate with a fish?
Drop it a line!
What’s the best tool to have when your heart sinks?
A Jack of Hearts.
Sorry if this is extra cheesy, but you have a pizza my heart.
Who was the criminal crow running from? The cawps.
Having chicken broth before the game was a sure shot way to maintain energy for the Soup-er Bowl.
I got lost in the mist today.
I didn’t have the foggiest idea where I was.
A wolfswagon rabbit is by far the best car you can gift a wolf.
Q. What did the witch get when she crossed a doe with a tornado?
A. A whirling deer-vish.
Fall arrives, and all hell bakes loose.
Can I have some of your avocado?
GUAC NO! I give zero guacs! You need to guac off!
What is a cannibal's favourite cheese? Limburger
What does Cinderella usually wear at the beach?
Glass flippers!
The Montreal baseball team relocated to Tampa after being purchased by the
Exposito bros.
How do Japanese chihuahuas say hello?
Konnichihuahua.
An actor I know fell through the floor recently. It's just a stage he was going through.
What do you call a broke santa? Give up yet? It's Saint-NICKEL-LESS.
What drink breaks the ice? Flirt-Tea. How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
Why did the chicken cross the playground?
He wanted to get to the other slide.
A vampire can't be a comedian. They just aren't funny, and worst of all they always know they suck.
Ticket inspectors. You’ve got to hand it to them…
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