Why did the bear dissolve in water?
It was polar.
I have no idea what I'm doing with eyeliner
To be honest, I just wing it.
In an attempt to deter computer hackers I've changed all my passwords to 'Brazil Nut'
That will be a hard one to crack.
Botanists have developed a vegetable that eliminates the need to brush your teeth.
Bristle sprouts.
We were debating about Charles Darwin in class when the teacher warned us, "Don't let this evolve into an argument."
Q: How did the Pharaoh Hatshepsut know it was time to retire?
A: He saw the writing on the wall.
What do you get if you cross a bat with a ball?
A home run.
What is the best breakfast cereal to eat in the winter?
Frosted Flakes!
What's a nervous person's favorite drink?
Insecuri tea!
Rudder valve reversals
The reason why bowling alleys are so quiet is such that you can hear a pin drop.
Why didn't the sentence have a period?
Because it was pregnant.
Why don't orphans play baseball? They don't know where home is
Who is the most famous French skeleton?
Napolean Bone-aparte.
Doofus was the stupidest of Roman generals.
A chemistry lab is like a big party.
Some drop the acid while others drop the base.
What do you call a medieval horse in the army
A knight-mare
Why was the horse a great editor?
She was very thorough bred.
Tony, where do I even starch? I yam so happy we’re best spuds!
What did the fruit bowl say when it saw Santa Claus come down the chimney? We wish you a cherry Christmas!
Flamingos are pretty daring birds. They like just about anything, as long as it’s eggs-citing.
Beavers are the best at getting things done on riverbanks. They have their own waves of working.
The last ten times I’ve been to a fancy dress party, I’ve gone as a shark.
The joke’s wearing fin.
What do you call a maternal Turkish robot water weasel?
An Ottoman otter-mom automaton.
What kind of whale can fly?
A Pilot whale.
What did the laser weapon say to the atom bomb?
"OK boomer."
What do you call a steak hurtling through space? A meat-ior!
Getting tired of all this laundry. I’m going to throw the towel in.
Why won’t crocodiles attack lawyers?
Professional courtesy!
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person beside you and feel glad you are alive?
I just did and apparently I will not be allowed on this airline again!
Who brings the monsters their babies?
Frankenstork.
What did the pinecone say to the pineapple? Nice to meet juice.
How do you fix a broken pizza?
With tomato paste.
Ghosts drop off their babies at the day-scare centre when they go to work.
What did the gold say to the pyrite?
You’re a fool and a fake!
I saw an ad for burial plots, and I thought: “That’s the last thing I need!”
How did the police find all the missing wood from the lumber yard?
It was chipped.
Why did the two 4’s skip lunch?
They already 8!
Why did the birthday cake go to the doctor? Because it was feeling crumby!
Why do vampires need cold medicine?
For their coffin.
Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I'm OK, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside.
My son asked me if I ate the leftovers he was saving in the refrigerator.
I told him "of course not - I ate them in the living room"
Why could the toilet paper not stop?
Because it was on a role.
Where can you find a bunch of clowns who deserve to be in jail? Silly Con Valley.
What's E.T. short for?
Because he's got little legs.
When the proposal of building a parking lot was given to Richard III, he told said, "Over my dead body."
If a crocodile never admits he is wrong, he must be in de-nile..
I think my window air conditioner needs an ambulance.
It keeps hyperventilating.
Why was the horse sad she didn’t get the job?
She was flanking on it.
If you coriander into my tomato soup, you will give me a soup-herb dish.
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