Why is the 7 key on the keyboard so afraid?
Because the & is near
When does it start to rain money?
When there is change in the weather.
Why do trees always hold grudges? Because they never fir-get.
Will glass coffins be a success? Remains to be seen.
Why was the skeleton scared of the baby?
Because he was an ankle biter.
Why was the penguin popular?
Because he was an ice guy.
What do we call a beautiful picture drawn by a peach artist? – It is a great peach of work.
I love a good shindig. Just call me Napoleon Bonapart-y.
Did you hear about the troupe of gnome dancers that robbed half the city blind?
They had a good run, but the jig is up.
These puns are turtle-y hilarious.
The pilot was lucky. He always had work. Whenever he made an application, it was almost certain that he would land a job.
What do you call two banana skins?
A pair of slippers.
My son asked me where the pan was.
I told him, naturally, it went on a wok.
What is a rabbit’s favorite dance? The bunny hop.
I was midway between the bow and the stern of my 120 foot yacht when suddenly I was surrounded by submarines that just surfaced...
I was amidship man.
What do you call a dog in a submarine?
A subwoofer.
What do you call a friendly volcano? Lava-ble.
What's the fastest thing on the river bed?
A motor-pike and side-carp.
Why do psychiatrists study bats?
They want to learn about their hang-ups.
Did you hear about the rich rabbit? He was a millionhare!
Why shouldn't you shoot pool using a pickle?
Because you'll find the cue cumbersome.
Before I ducked out to the shops, my wife asked me to put ketchup on the shipping list.
Now I can't read it.
What's the difference between a BMW and a Cactus?
Pricks are on the outside of Cactuses.
How did the little koala bear stop the movie? She hit the paws button.
What do we call the period in between eating a peach? – It is called a pit stop.
What does a brain do when it sees a friend across the street?
Gives a brain wave.
How did the electrician pay for his new phone?
He charged it.
I was talking to my Mom the other day and she mentioned that none of her sisters needed the vaccine.
Turned out they already had the auntybodies.
Q: What was Cleopatra's favorite type of flower?
A: Chrysantha-mummies.
Don't give up at this stage, just keep cawing on, you will do great.
Why did the mortgage broker always eat lunch by himself?
He was a loaner.
Why do pirates not know the alphabet?
Because they always get Lost at C (Sea).
Q: Why wouldn’t the teacher bring the class to the green pea farm?
A: It was in a seedy part of town.
What type of fruit includes Barium and double Sodium? BaNaNa.
Why did the blind man always use paper cups?
He has no need for glasses.
How do cats say goodbye in Italy?
Miao.
What do you call an onion monk who is present everywhere? Ommnion!
Q. What did they serve with nacho cheese at stag parties?
A. Deer-itos.
My wrists hurt whenever I drive to work with my co-workers and we go through a tunnel.
I think it's carpool tunnel syndrome.
Never bet on real estate. The house always wins.
I saw a sign above the urinal that read: "This is a urinal."
"No Sh**".
I can't decide whether to grill chicken breasts or chicken thighs...
I guess I'll just wing it
If you can't get Swine Flu from eating bacon what can you get? A1: Obesity A2: Heart Disease A3: Hardening of the Arteries.
I know someone who tried to runway after camouflaging a railway. He tried to cover his tracks.
Where do you get frog's eggs?
At the spawn shop.
I used to hate facial hair...
But then it grew on me.
What do you get when you cross ants with ticks?
All sorts of antics.
What do you call it when a panda eats all of your tall grass?
Bamboozled!
What happened when the butcher backed up into the meat grinder? He got a little behind in his work!
"Have an eggs-tra special Easter day."
Why do owls shower so often?
So they don’t smell fowl.
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