What did the snake give to his wife?
A goodnight hiss.
What you call the Ghost of a Chicken? Poultry-geist.
How do you know you have a tape worm?
It’s comming out of your belly!
Where do fish wash?
In a river basin.
I’m going green, if you know what I mean.
What happened when the koala house party got a little too far out of hand? One of the neighbors koalaed the cops.
I caught my friend harassing some electricity. I told him it was an abuse of power.”
Why was there no food left at the Halloween party?
Because everyone was a goblin.
I just wanted to make a good frost impression.
What should someone do if they are stuck between a jaguar and a tiger? Simple, just take the Jaguar and drive away from the tiger.
What did the coffee lover name his son?
Joe, obviously.
Why did the brain go into a group of trees to sleep?
For rest. (forest)
What do you get if you try to cross a mouse with a skunk?
Dirty looks from the mouse!
I like European food so I decided to Russia over there because I was Hungary. After Czech'ing the menu I ordered Turkey. When I was Finnished I told the waiter 'Spain good but there is Norway I could eat another bite'.
So there’s this Spanish magician. His main trick was performing a spectacular vanishing act. He said that he’d vanish on the count of three. “Uno” “Dos”
And then he vanished, without a tres.
My grandmother was famous all over town for growing delicious strawberries.
She made me promise that when she died, I would plant her strawberries on her grave so that people could enjoy them when they visited. When she passed away I fulfilled my promise. She’s dead and berried.
Did you hear about the Wi-Fi wedding?
The ceremony was awful, but the reception was great!
What was written on a knight's headstone?
Rust in peace.
My dad didn’t love me as a child, but I don’t really blame him.
I wasn’t born until he was an adult.
There are so many jokes about classical composers I could write you a Liszt.
Why are artists so temperamental? They have to get into the right frame of mind.
What was the conversation like at the dinner party with all the boring flowers?
Like pollen teeth.
I've been hitting the bottle pretty hard recently.
Still can't get the last of that ketchup out.
When is the best time to paint a dog?
When they're asleep.
My real estate agent lied. He said my house had a 1,000 carpet area, but I could barely fit in 4 cars and 4 dogs in there...
Q: How do you store water?
A: Cloud storage.
What did Dead Viking say to Voluptuous Valkyrie?
Valhallo there.
Why did the frog make so many mistakes?
It jumped to the wrong conclusions.
Where do bats go to gamble?
Bat-lantic City.
What does a pizza say when it introduces itself to you?
Slice to meet you.
What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef jerky.
Q: What do tigers and computers have in common?
A: They both have mega bites.
Why wasn't the archaeologist interested in girls?
Because he only dated mummies.
When you swat a mosquito on your arm
Its death is in vein.
RIP boiled water.
You will be mist.
Why are some cake jokes not as good as the others?
They tend to grow mold.
What did the pig say on the warm summer’s day?
“I’m bacon.”
Why was the orange skeptical of everyone around him?
He was planted with a seed of doubt.
The most notorious one of all pirates was very sad. It may have been because he was Bluebeard!
What does the Ghost say when he sneezes? - Ach-ooooooooooooooooooooo!
Our local winery recently starting using a flock of sheep to keep the grass from getting too long.
At least that's what I herd through the grapevine.
I painted a picture of my cat’s feet today.
You could say it was a paw-trait.
Where do Russians get all of their milk from? Mos-cow!
How do you split the ocean in half?
With a sea-saw.
I got hit in the head with a can of soda yesterday. Luckily for me, it was a soft drink.
Why does the rabbit bring toilet paper to the party? Because he is a party pooper.
Did you know there's a college in the brain for hippopotami?
It's called the Hippocampus.
What's a vampire's favorite fruit?
A neck-tarine.
Did you hear about the dangerous alcoholic who consumed his booze from a sizzling Chinese frying pan?
He liked to drink risky on the woks
What do you get if cross a baseball player and a monster?
A double header.
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