If a crocodile never admits he is wrong, he must be in de-nile..
I like my wine like I like my medieval cities.
Fortified.
Flamingos are great at social events; they flamingle really well.
Medieval Kings and Queens were carried by their soldiers and servants. I am not lying, they litter-ally carried that way!
What do hackers do on a boat?
Phishing.
What do you find if you hang from a cherry tree for hours and hours? You find that your arms get sore.
Can you can a can as a canner can can a can?
The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies"
I replied, "Tell him he's very good at it as well. I don't have any kids."
Last Thanksgiving, I cut my hand with the carving knife so my idiot brother-in-law grabs my bloody wound and starts twisting it. I screamed, “Ouch! What are you doing!!”
He said, “I’m applying a turn-a-cut.”
How did the beaver introduce his wife? This is my significant otter.
Aloha is a soft laugh.
People often stare at my back-alley cosmetic surgery to remove half of my brain...
I have half a mind to tell them where to go.
Golfer: I’d move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course.
Caddie: Try heaven. You’ve already moved most of the earth.
What did the sea say to the river? You can run but you can't tide.
She saw Sharif’s shoes on the sofa. But was she so sure those were Sharif’s shoes she saw?
What time do werewolf Cowboys have a shootout?
High Moon!
Witch you were here.
What's brown, lumpy, and sits on a piano bench?
Beethoven's Last Movement
Books are my kind of texts.
Hap-pea-ness is when you and your friend are like two peas in a pod.
Why are tigers striped? Because they never want to be spotted.
Why did the bunny build herself a new house? She was fed up with the hole thing!
When the orange started peeling, he was glad it was finally cutting some weight.
What do drunk kangaroos play?
Hopscotch.
Did you hear ISIS is spreading to Italy?
Nobody's concerned though, since it's just Italian ISIS and they're delicious. Especially cherry flavor.
What did the beaver say to the other beaver? I love you like no otter.
My favorite crime TV show has a duck as the main character.
He always quacks the case.
How did the mummy defeat Superman? He had Cryptonite.
The sweetest and fruitiest historical wonder of the world is the Grape Wall of China.
What did one Jack-o-lantern say to the other? Cut it out!
As autumn came, the leaves started greeting each other by saying, "Hay there!"
Why didn’t the lady skeleton wear a bikini?
Because she was big boned.
How do cats say goodbye in Italy?
Miao.
What do you call a bully on Halloween? A jerk-o-lantern.
Tigers are probably the most roarsome animal ever created!
Where do saplings graduate from? Elementree school.
What kind of facial hair should a sea captain have?
A boatee.
My mother's sister was a gamble who enjoyed poker. She would heartily add to the initial pot but fold after the first hand...
We called her Auntie Up.
According to Greek mythology, Chiron was a half horse half human doctor.
This made him the Centaur for Disease Control.
Where do doubtful Egyptians get their water from?
Denial River.
Do people have strange scents of humor if they laugh at their own farts?
How do you kiss someone at the end of the world?
On the apoca-lips.
Udon even know how to cook this udon recipe. Fortunately, I can teach you.
Who would win a game of hide and seek between a dalmatian and a tiger? The tiger because he wouldn't be spotted.
Why did the neuron like to sleep in the top bunk bed?
It wanted to have a high resting potential.
The manager at the bread store told the baker that he had to stop loafing around. The baker said that it was his job.
The other day I told a joke about an armored vehicle with a rotating gun turret.
It tanked.
Just found out they make adult race car beds so I bought one.
That way I can be fast asleep.
- Do old zombie actors ever die?
- Yes, they sometimes drop a part.
What do you get when you cross a turkey with a banjo? A turkey that can pluck itself!
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