My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?"
Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."
I’ll never leaf you.
What do you call young avocados?
Avokiddos.
What’s a llama’s favorite movie?
Alpacalypse Now.
What’s the best time to eat a peach while watching a NASCAR race? During the pit stop!
What do you call an onion that keeps on jumping up and down? You call it a spring onion!
What do you call a guy who can't stop running along the beach?
Joggernaut.
Why are fish so smart Because they swim in schools!
I felt so guilty after I stepped on that worm this morning. You should have seen it, it looked genuinely crushed.
And what's its favorite Bob Marley song? Don't Worry, Be Frappé.
How did the herpetologist know he would be married soon? He caught the garter snake.
You can never get short balls over the net! Solution: Drop shot from arsenal.
What did the horse reply when asked if it would try water polo?
“I would dapple.”
I tried smoking pot once.
I choked on the handle.
Why did the telecommuter quit her job? Because talk is cheap.
Did you hear about the two cell phones that got married?
The ceremony was so so but the reception was superb.
What do you get when you cross a fawn with a bumblebee?
Bambee.
Why did king Minos put Minotaur inside a labyrinth?
He wanted to amaze his wife.
Where do Egyptians seal away their drugs?
In a narcophagus.
In what country is Thanksgiving ironically not celebrated? Turkey.
What’s it called when a bunch of pigs compete in athletic games?
The Olympigs.
Why did the squirrel go to kola-nary school? Because it had pines to be a chef.
Why did the old woman fall into the well?
Because she couldn’t see that well.
What do you call a spider with ten eyes?
A spiiiiiiiiiider.
What is a surfer's least favorite kitchen appliance?
A Microwave
I heard there are some fires near Greece
We’re gonna need a lot of baking soda.
My writer buddy went to buy a new boat...
He named it Penman-Ship.
A strawberry's favorite celebrity is Mary Berry.
Librarians don't like drinking white wine. They prefer the well red ones!
Most unicorns start off as poor hunters until they can really horn their skills.
Why do computers wear glasses?
To improve their web-sight.
What is a flower’s favorite vegetable?
Cauliflower.
Did you hear the joke about the donut? Probably not, it was crummy!
Don't ignite your friends from behind, even if it's just a prank.
It will back fire for sure.
Who directs all of the movies about volleyball injuries? Spike Lee.
How many tickles does it take to make a squid laugh?
Ten-tickles!
Q: What game show did pharaohs like the most?
A: The $20,000 pyramid.
I was driving along the motorway one day when a truck in front of me shed its load of cabbage. Never slaw that coming.
How can you tell a wine taster is a newbie?
By the blanc look on her face.
With the kind of weather, it was almost certain that the bride-to-be would get a hoarse throat as she walked through the rain into her bridal shower.
The bus driver was so friendly and nice, it was a 'joy ride'!
An astronaut who normally fails on a weightlessness experiment, might surely be aware of the gravity of the situation.
What do prison tennis matches and strawberry jam have in common?
Cons-serve
What do you call a turkey's evil twin?
A Gobblegänger.
I had a flamingo come to stay with me when he had a cold. We nicknamed him phlegmingo.
When she spotted fake ramen in her soup, she said, “ This soup has impasta in it.”
To sit in solemn silence in a dull, dark dock,
In a pestilential prison, with a life-long lock,
Awaiting the sensation of a short, sharp shock,
From a cheap and chippy chopper on a big black block!
To sit in solemn silence in a dull, dark dock,
In a pestilential prison, with a life-long lock,
Awaiting the sensation of a short, sharp shock,
From a cheap and chippy chopper on a big black block!
A dull, dark dock, a life-long lock,
A short, sharp shock, a big black block!
To sit in solemn silence in a pestilential prison,
And awaiting the sensation
From a cheap and chippy chopper on a big black block!
What do you call a gorilla wearing headphones?
Anything you'd like, it can't hear you.
What did the deer say when he left the barbershop?
“I feel like a million bucks!”
These days, knights love to watch movies, and their favorite genre is the horror and the action genre. Also, I am pretty sure that their favorite movie is 'Knight Of The Living Dead.'
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