Where were the first orange trees planted?
“In Orange County.”
My partner got mad when she found so much spam on my computer.
She said, "Food belongs on a plate!"
Did you hear about the baker that accidentally backed into an open oven...?
His buns were toasted.
Even the most intelligent people can’t survive a day without electricity, like Stephen Hawking.
What do rocks eat?
Pom-a-granites.
Why can you never trust an artist? Because they are a bit sketchy, a little shady and will always try to frame you.
What do you call a chicken with a piece of lettuce in its eye? CHICKEN CAESER SALAD.
Why do ambulance drivers always have a partner with them?
They’re pair-a-medics.
The United Nations gave its members a basket of peaches on 21 September - the International Peach Day.
What happens when you rub two oranges together?
You get Pulp Friction.
What's the wind's favourite colour?
Blew
Sorry seems to be the hardest word to say...
Unless you're Chinese. Then it's 'squirrel'.
What do you call a Stegosaurus with carrots in its ears? Anything you want, it can't hear you!
Where do bats get their education?
In night schools.
Two blood cells can meet and fall in love with each other, but it is all in vein.
I can't stand Greek salads.
I like un-feta'd access to my greens.
Can’t wait for the first married woman to walk on the red planet.
Just so I can ask if there’s wife on Mars.
Have you heard about that socially awkward chef that only cooks with snake meat?
I’m pretty sure he has Asp burgers.
Have a s-mash-ing birthday!
Why should you never go back in time to alter the outcome of a football game?
You’ll be called for past interference!
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
I’m reading a book about anti-gravity and it’s impossible to put down.
What does a monkey wear while cooking?
An ape-ron.
What do you get when a chicken lays an egg on top of a barn?
An eggroll.
This foundation is rock salad.
What is the healthiest fruit?
“An orange. It takes Vitamin See!”
Don’t drop the ball – without you, the party will be incomplete.
Where do vampires go to buy their art supplies? Pencilvania.
What did the train conductor say to the kangaroo? Hop on!
How do you know if an ant is a boy or a girl?
If you toss it in the water and it sinks, it’s a girl. If the ant floats, it’s a buoyant.
Where do sperm play football?
In a con-dome.
If you're in a food fight, always throw peas. We need to give peas a chance.
What do you call a rapper working at Cold Stone? Scoop Dogg.
What is small, furry and brilliant at sword fights?
A mouseketeer!
What do you say to an avocado who’s done a good job?
“Bravocado!”
What do you yell at two mummies making out in public?
Get a tomb!
Long ago, a couple of dudes claimed that human flight was possible.
They were Wright.
What do you call the guy who chooses a suitable fortified Spanish wine?
A Sherry Picker.
Engineers like to Solve Problems but...
If there are no problems handily available, they will create their own.
I’m in such a Henri to get to France!
Do not be sad because of these bad words. You are always a fineapple in my heart.
Why are nuns such great sprint runners?
'Cause they're used to being chaste.
What do you call writing a book about breeding bats to pull carriages? A wheely bat idea.
India is a very peaceful country.
Because nobody has any beef over there.
My girlfriend wants to open a yoga studio, even though she currently cannot afford it.
I told her it's a bit of a stretch.
How many ears do you think a Spock has? Three. A right ear, left ear, and a final front ear.
When does a medieval soldier sleep?
Knight time
What did the cherry say to the cherry pie? I really crust you.
How did the witch invite the wizard to take an evening ride on her broomstick?
Voodoo like to ride with me?
Why do we tell actors to “break a leg”?
Because every play needs a cast.
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