Which word can be used to describe a peach that is surprised, shocked, or angry with strong emotion? – Speachless!
I fernly beleaf my tree puns are qualitree, you can leaf me alone if you disagreen.
I recently quit my job as a butler at a stately home.
I refuse to be ordered around in that manor.
What do you call a party for snowmen? A snowball.
What do a dog and a cell phone have in common?
They both have collar ID.
What’s the difference between a Christmas alphabet and the regular alphabet?
The Christmas alphabet has Noel.
What do you call a solar powered keyboard?
A photosynthesiser
What's the difference between a Viking and that one Bond movie where he's in space?
One's *Moonraker*, the other's a rune maker.
You can never make a crumble with just 3.14 strawberries because that would make a pi.
Why does the earth appreciate the moon so much?
It keeps the oceans tidy.
Which Old Testament prophet took forever to make a point?
“I say… uhhh…” (say it out loud)
Why does the cookie monster fear the gingerbread man? Because he’s one tough cookie.
What does it do before it rains candy? It sprinkles! What do you call dancing chocolate bar? Nestle Crunk bar.
I got fired from the unemployment office on Friday.
My boss said, “Clean out your desk, and I’ll see you in the office on Monday.”
How do you keep food warm in the refrigerator?
Keep it in the corner, because it is 90 degrees.
what does a female corn do when she likes a male corn?
she corn-fesses.
A man likes sending random stuff to his friends through the mail because he finds it funny.
This particular time the man takes some lettuce to the post office to ship to a friend from back home.
He tries to package it up but it won't fit unless he cuts it into smaller peices. He cuts it up and stuffs it in a large envelope, however he forgets to write out and attach a shipping label. He doesn't realize his mistake at the time and brings it to the counter to send.
The postal workers says: "You can't send a salad like that, it needs adressing".
Feeling fintastic.
What did the pastry cook say when he was making the cake?
Bat-a-cake. Bat-a-cake.
What’s the worst thing about broken elevator puns? They’re not very uplifting.
Why does the Pope love Swiss cheese so much?
It’s hole-y.
Why do oranges wear suntan lotion? They peel in the sun.
What drives cheese crazy?
That everyone around them is crackers.
A pile of books fall onto Sean Connery's head
He exclaims: "I only have my shelf to blame!"
When is a turkey scary?
When it's a goblin.
Why did the bat often use mouthwash? She had bat breath.
What did one raindrop say to the other raindrop?
“My plop is bigger than your plop.”
A plate of sandwiches walks into a bar. The barman says “we don’t serve food”.
What kind of fish is only made of salt.
A tu-na.
We got a huge jack-o-lantern this fall. It gave the neighbors pumpkin to talk about.
Which ancient Greek Philosopher had a foot fetish?
Play-toe.
Or was it Sock-rates?
why did the spoon show up dressed as a knife ?
Invitation said to look sharp.
What did bacon say to tomato? Lettuce get together.
What’s green and hangs from trees?
Giraffe snot.
What do you call a socialite made of cheese?
Paris Stilton.
I pitcher us together forever.
There might be other fish in the sea, but you’re my sole mate
Why did the volleyball player have ropes and shoe strings? They wanted to tie the score.
"Eggs love you."
What did the skeleton say to his girlfriend?
- Will you marrow me?
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
How many students does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They use CFLs!
Why did the giant use clouds to make pancakes? To make them light and fluffy.
Why didn't the peasants attend the Egyptian king's open palace party?
The address was "2, Pharaoh Way"
Birdie birdie in the sky laid a turdie in my eye.
If cows could fly I’d have a cow pie in my eye.
My wife's been on a banana diet.
She hasn't lost any weight, but you should see her climb trees now!
You are just like my car because you drive me crazy.
What's a freezer's favorite time period?
The ice age!
When I arrived onset on a cloudy, dreary day, too many actors had been hired for the small part...
It was overcast.
What did mutter say to paneer? Tu cheese badi hai mast mast.
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