There is one commonality between a magician and a soccer player. They both do hat tricks.
It wasn’t my idea to get bidet...
But now I kinda like the little squirt.
I'm the pun King of Halloween.
Making puns ha?
Toucan play that game.
What kind of computer does a worm have? A Macintosh.
My cardiologist friend keeps sending me x-rays of his chest.
A bit weird, I know, but it just shows his heart is in the right place.
How do the New England Patriots eat their soup? In a Super Bowl.
A silent man walked into a bicycle shop...
He picked up a wheel and spoke.
I sent my cows to bed at 8pm last night. I told them 'it's pasteur bedtime'.
Today, my arm got pinned between my wife's chest and the chair.
It was booby trapped.
A man has to go, but has no toilet paper. His friend says to wipe with a dollar. He comes back all dirty, so his friend asks "What is that horrible smell?". So the man says,
"Hard to wipe with 3 quarters, 2 dimes and a nickel"
What did the lion say to his cubs when he was first teaching them how to hunt? Don’t cross the road until you see the zebra crossing!
What did one ornament say to another? I like hanging with you.
What do you call a family member who works at a gas station? A pump-kin!
What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a bicycle and a nicely dressed man on a tricycle? A tire.
I was gonna make some car puns...
but I ran out of gas.
How do you make a milkshake? Give a cow a pogo stick.
Took a tour of Pisa, Italy...
Tour guide said “Hello, my name is Eileen.”
I was talking to my Mom the other day and she mentioned that none of her sisters needed the vaccine.
Turned out they already had the auntybodies.
Q: Who is Peach’s favorite actor?
A: Brad Pit.
How does Frankenstein eat his dinner?
He bolts it down.
How do pigs write top secret messages?
With invisible oink!
Basketball players manage to remain cool even during tough matches because they stay closer to the fans.
Why did the neuron like to sleep in the top bunk bed?
It wanted to have a high resting potential.
What are ants made of?
Antimatter.
What kind of car does a mouse drive?
A mini van.
My wife was a bit down so I decided to redecorate our living room.
Thought it would chair her up but sofa she haven't even noticed
Why did the submarine driver lose his job
Old, racist tweets resurfaced
What do you call a frog spy?
A croak and dagger agent.
What do you call a horse running on a table?
A counter canter.
Grandpa died because we couldn’t figure out his blood type.
At least he told us to be positive.
A Tibetan monk sees the face of Jesus in a tub of margarine.
He immediately raises his eyes to the heavens and exclaims "I can't believe it's not Buddha!"
Why did a person with an unspayed female cat have to go to court?
For kitty littering.
*Creating password*
"MTWTFSS_MTWTFSS"
ERROR: [Password two week]
Cooking is bad for my anxiety.
I had to throw away my pressure cooker.
What's black, white, purple, yellow and blue? Sugilite, opal, and sardonyx fighting over a gumball.
Skier: Doc, I think I'm addicted to skiing at Loveland Ski Are
Shrink: You may be going down a slippery slope. Do you feel a divide?
Why did the dog cross the road twice?
He was trying to fetch a boomerang
I once tried crossing a flamingo with a cement mixer. Sounds crazy, but I really wanted a good brick layer.
What does the mummy parrot say to her baby? Beak-areful!
When is a car like a frog?
When it's being toad.
It was reported that a tiger recently exploded in the forest fire. They say it was a Royal Bang-al Tiger.
Why was the penguin a good race car driver?
He always started in pole position.
What kind of TV does a skeleton watch?
A skelevision.
Initially, the passenger couldn't find where his next flight was, but fortunately, he made the connection in time.
Today I donated my old basketball hoop to a school for the blind.
It will be missed.
Theatre - the one place it doesn't pay to read between the line.
Dung Beetles know how to keep their sh** together.
How do eels travel across the seafloor? By Octo-bus.
How do you wash clothes at the beach?
With Tide.
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