What do you call half a head of lettuce?
The Romaine-der.
What do cherries write in love letters? I miss you cherry-bly.
I tried to change my password to "14days".
The computer said it was two week.
What painting is terrible at ever being happy? The Moaning Lisa.
Q. Which doe did all the stags and bucks sing about in the 1960s?
A. Deer Prudence.
Witches are always wand-ering around…
What do you see at a funeral for a piece of fruit? Apple-bearer.
What do Spanish speaking people prefer to travel in groups of 2 or 4?
No tres-passing.
Let’s shell-ebrate good times and tan lines.
A wise saying among werewolves: Chasing your tail will not make ends meet.
My sister bet me that I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti...
You should have seen her face as I drove Pasta.
Q: What is a tornado’s favorite Elton John song?
A: Candle in the Wind!
At the party, the vegetarian girl won’t eat the mushrooms, reason being, somebody told her that they were oyster mushrooms.
How do horses show gratitude?
Flank you very much.
My parents always told me I can be anything I wanted, the sky's the limit
This made me sad because I wanted to be an astronaut.
Unbelievably there was yet another truck crash, this time it was carrying Vicks VapoRub. There was no congestion for the rest of the day.
When you write copy you have the right to copyright the copy you write.
What did the jack-o-lantern say to the psychologist? I'm hollow inside.
Two tomatoes went jogging. One trips and falls. The other tomato said, "Grab my Heinz and I'll help you up." Trippy tomato replies, "Nah, you go ahead. I'll ketchup."
What's slimy cold long and smells like pork? Kermit the frogs finger!
What do you get when you cross a thought with a light bulb?
A bright idea.
What did the beaver say after she slipped in water?
Dam it.
What is one of the big tiger's most favorite hangout places? A shopping maul.
Did you hear about the two cell phones that got married?
The ceremony was so so but the reception was superb.
What do you get when you photocopy fruit?
Paper jam.
Why was the chef surprised that anyone like her bread?
She thought it was crumby.
What do you call a hippie's wife?
A Mississippi.
Which superhero likes spring the best?
Robin.
"Everything happens for a riesling, right?"
What did the father ant said to his son when they moved to france from america?
"Son, we are now Europeants!"
What's a pickle's favorite book?
To Dill A Mockingbird.
What's the opposite of an elephant?
An eleph-antonym.
Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, “Is the bar tender here?”
Mandy: Our teacher went on a special banana diet. Andy: Did she lose weight? Mandy: No, but she sure could climb trees well!
Sun to Earth, on the night of 31st December:
"Let's have another round, shall we?"
Hardcore programmers will agree that neither of them would use AC because they all prefer to open windows.
Why do pigs make awful football players?
They don’t like playing with the “pig skin.”
For Halloween, one of my sons dressed up as the clown from IT, and another son as a Twitter hashtag. They asked me my opinion...
I said "Penny wise, pound foolish"
What did the father buffalo say to his son when he left to school ?
Bison.
A fired newspaper editor took an ex-press train out of town.
Why did the hunter miss his mark?
He was not aiming deerectly for it.
What do you call a cow that can play a musical instrument?
A moo-sician.
What did the mermaid wear to math class?
An algae-bra.
What did the introverted pig say when asked why they don’t like socializing? “I’m not a people porcine.”
I’d like to throw away my old can, but my pusher friend here says he loves junk balls.
“My favorite color is tangerine- isn’t that orange-inal?”
Why did the Easter Egg hide?
Because he was a little chicken.
My zebra is a rubbish ballet dancer. I think he’s got two left feet.
What do dinosaurs put on their pizza? Tomato-saurus
You’re a cutie 3.14159265359
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