What goes hiss, swish, hiss swish every time it rains? A windscreen viper.
How does a volleyball team welcome their new neighbors? With a block party.
Wow, wouldn’t mind if you became my significant otter.
Why did the cosmonaut take his dog to the vet?
He came down with a stellar case of lunar tics.
They consider a million years ago to be Recent.
I've been hitting the bottle pretty hard recently.
Still can't get the last of that ketchup out.
Irish puns are the most O'ffensive.
The girls next door gave me a Rolex for my birthday.
But I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.
Don’t expect to hear yourself urinate after taking the Pfizer vaccine.
I had a doctor tell me the P was silent.
How do you leave any building in Spain?
You "follow salida lida lida..."
"Santa’s pretty stelfy going down the chimney, don’t you think?" said one elf to another.
What happens if you cross a hairdresser and a werewolf?
A creature with an all over perm!
I found a sour strawberry today. It was berry bad.
What kind of light goes around the earth? A Satel-lite.
The fruit started to stutter as it was suffering from peach deterioration.
Why did the thief steal a pig? Because he was a hamburglar.
Why did the Dalmatian have to go to the eye doctor?
He kept seeing spots.
I just got fired from my theatre job. I guess I should've made a bigger scene about it.
What does a beaver from Philly drink?
Wooder.
Don't be a jerk-o-lantern
My wife was at the store earlier and she texted me saying, “Should I buy new beach towels?”
I wrote back, “Shore.”
Why did the tomato turn red? It saw the salad dressing!
What game do bats like to play with birds?
Bat-mington.
After which knight is a town in England named? Sir Rey!
What do you call a werewolf who cuts down trees?
A timber wolf.
My wife said that onions are the only vegetable that makes her cry
So I threw a pumpkin at her
Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.
Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
Germinate: To become a naturalized German.
Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot.
I would like to take a moment and thank my eyeballs.
Thanks for looking out for me.
Which ghost is the best dancer? The Boogie Man!
Did you know that the blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court …
The game would be cancelled.
How do you catch a monkey?
Climb a tree and act like a banana.
A fairy appears in front of an old man.
"For the good things you've done in your life, I grant you three wishes!"
The old man squints and asks: "Can you speak up a bit? My hearing isn't the best anymore..."
The fairy replies: "SURE! YOU HAVE TWO WISHES!"
Last week, I met someone who specialized in the studies of shrubs and grasses. He called himself Neil De-grass-y Tyson!
No one likes sausage puns, they are the wurst!
My wife has been giving me a hard time about my drinking. Eventually, I agreed to quit cold turkey.
Never cared for leftovers anyway.
The farmer had such a bad headache he had to retire. He was sick of his grains.
When is the course too wet to play golf?
When your golf cart capsizes.
Why don't dinosaurs ever forget? Because no one ever tells them anything!
Why did the ski instructor's love life always go downhill? The first thing the ladies noticed about him was his giant slalom.
If you do bowling and for some reason you can’t hear a pin drop, something could be wrong with your bowling.
What do you find if you hang from a cherry tree for hours and hours? You find that your arms get sore.
I live on top of the mountain and i usually have 99 problems
But the beach ain't one
What reassuring advice did the meninges give to the brain?
"Don't worry, I've got you covered."
You used to call me on my cell-ery phone.
What would a tiger running a Xerox machine in the back of a store be called? A copycat.
How do you say farewell to a very optimistic insect?
Buoyant!
Seth at Sainsbury's sells thick socks.
How much fur can you get from a dinosaur ? As fur as you can get!
Every book has some flaws and mistakes, no matter how good the editor. It’s bound to happen.
How are trumpets like pirates?
They both murder in the high C’s.
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