What does your little sibling and Q have in common?
They will always rely on U.
The truck load of tortoise that crushed caused a turtle disaster.
If the wooden face mask was popularized by Jacques Plante, was the wooden
cup made popular by Jock Plank?
What did the pastry cook say when he was making the cake?
Bat-a-cake. Bat-a-cake.
If you’re looking for a job, get trained in horticulture. It’s a growing industry.
Why did the duck cross the road?
Because there was a quack in the sidewalk.
If a purple-colored fruit gets stuck in your drain, then you should call a plum-ber to fix it.
I bought a secured warehouse where I keep appliances to clean pots, pans, plates, and silverware.
It's dishwasher safe!
When I went to the shop to buy some strawberries, they didn't have any. It was such a fruitless trip.
What’s a ghoul’s favorite Beatles song?
The Ghoul on the Hill!
Where do saplings go to learn?
Elementree school
Did you hear about the scary couple in prom this year? It was a mummy and his ghoul-friend.
My wife drives like lightning.
I don't mean she drives fast - she hits trees.
My dog wants to be a tradesman.
I think he wants to be a woof-er.
Did you hear about the gorilla that was from Vietnam?
He was a viet kong.
What did one Jack-o-lantern say to the other? Cut it out!
What happens to Germans when they eat too many lemons?
They become sour krauts.
Why does Satan not eat the bread part of the pizza?
Because he's the Anti-Crust!
We all sat by the fireplace listening to the basketballer’s story. At some point, I found it unbelievable. It was such a tall tale!
What do bats say to vampires?
“You suck!”
Why do poltergeists love haunting old theaters?
Because they can't wait to boo the performers.
What tree monster prowls the forest?
Frankenpine.
I tried to make my own condiments but, the recipes change so fast, it's hard to ketchup.
Did you hear about the guy whose spouse was hit by lightning?
His entire wife flashed before his eyes.
My wife asked: "What's our WiFi?"
I said: It's an internet connection that works wirelessly through something called a modem. Why?"
She hasn't spoken to me all week.
How does a vampire keep fit?
Batminton.
What did the Egyptian Pharaoh do when he got caught in traffic?
ANKH ANKH!!
Violinist Caught following a String of Robberies.
What is yellow on the inside and green on the outside? A banana dressed up as a cucumber !
My dad used to crack jokes standing above our fireplace.
Now he's passed the mantle on to me.
RIP boiled water.
You will be mist.
What did the cake say to the fork? you want a piece of me?
What did the bus driver say to the frog?
Hop on.
Why didn't the watermelon marry the strawberry?
They cantaloupe.
Most unicorns start off as poor hunters until they can really horn their skills.
This morning, my dad told me something that gave me the chills.
He said, “I’m turning off the heating.”
What’s a shark’s favorite bible story?
Noah’s Shark.
Q. Will a sensible stag do something dangerous to impress a doe?
A. No, not even on a deer.
It was reported that a tiger recently exploded in the forest fire. They say it was a Royal Bang-al Tiger.
I knew a guy in jail who would never knife a man in the back or when he was down
He was the very model of shivalry.
Which author is anxious to write the book: Colorado Rockies, World Series Champs?
Ben Whayten.
My neighbor asked me if he could borrow my lawnmower. It told him he could; if he did not take it out of my yard.
In Mexico, truck drivers always keep a wheel of cheese in their cabs. Apparently this is in queso emergencies.
Why are 40 romans funny?
Because they are XD.
What do you call a zombie DJ?
A dead beat.
Thin grippy thick slippery.
I saw a strawberry with a gun, robbing a man. I am guessing he was in a jam.
I used to be pretty nifty tap dancer...
Until I fell into the sink.
What did the bear say when her date showed up too early?
I’ll be out in a minute, I’m bearly dressed.
My friend Elmer’s has gotten really good at tennis ever since he stuck to a healthier diet and went glue-ten free.
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