Treat yo shelves.
Why couldn't the garden gnome run in the marathon?
Because he's not part of the human race!
What do you call a broke santa? Give up yet? It's Saint-NICKEL-LESS.
My doctor told me to drink two glasses of red wine after a hot bath...
But I can't even finish drinking the hot bath.
"I whip my hare back and forth."
Why was the sedimentary rock so cheap?
It was always on shale.
Where was Solomon’s temple located?
On the side of his head.
What did the kitten do when she wanted to order something? She looked in the cat-alog!
It is now a universal truth that actions speak louder than coaches.
What’s a bigamist?
It’s what Italians call a thick fog.
Why did the freezer never graduate?
Because it was set on 0 degrees.
Why do you get less caviar out of a fish with nieces and nephews?
Because it's in a fish aunt.
Why wasn't the archaeologist interested in girls?
Because he only dated mummies.
Q. What do you get if you cross a deer with an Aussie Joey?
A. A buck-er-roo.
Where do crows go to get educated?
CAWlege
What do you call a woman with one leg?
Eileen.
What do you call a werewolf with no legs?
Anything you like – he can’t chase you.
The record store owner needed to get the albums by a Canadian band with Neil Pert on drums out on sale before Halloween...
So he put in a Rush order!
What did the beaver say to the river? Meet me around the bend.
What happened when the monster's football game was all tied up?
They went into ogre time.
We are mint to be.
I was kidnapped by mimes.
They did unspeakable things to me.
The French real estate agent was very upset when their new listing was destroyed.
He said it was chateau-strophic!
Some marine biologists argued about how best to handle angry dolphins.
The were working at cross porpoises.
What's gray and furry on the inside and white on the outside? A mouse sandwich!
Q: When is a Pharaoh like a piece of wood?
A: When he's a ruler.
Why do brain cells grown in a dish attend the ballet and opera?
Because they are very cultured.
My Gourd, Autumn is so fall of herself!
If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?
Pilgrims.
My Karate teacher is getting a divorce.
He is a great Sensei, but he's not very skilled at the marital arts.
I hear the Minotaur is really stubborn....
He's really bull-headed.
I showed my mom my report card, she said that she needed to see more A's
I said OKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY
“I love when candy canes are in mint condition.”
What was the favorite pass time of peasants from the medieval time period? They absolutely love to go serfing!
What country do cows love to visit?
Moo Zealand.
You’re the queen of my heart.
How does Big Foot find his way through the deepest darkest forests?
He just follows the big footpath!
What is a worm's favorite band? Mud.
What did the pastry cook say when he was making the cake?
Bat-a-cake. Bat-a-cake.
What did the mom say to her kitten when she caught him slouching? Paw attention to your paw-sture!
What do you call a self-obsessed egg?
An eggomaniac.
Why did the leaf go to the doctor?
It was feeling green
Never talk to me about fashion
It just goes in one year and out the other
Do you believe this? All soccer players, irrespective of their country of origin, have one goal.
How do you know if there is a Brachiosaurus in bed with you? By the dinosnores.
How heavy is a rainbow? It's actually pretty light.
Why did the guy decide not to donate a dime to any charity raising funds for a marathon?
Because they just take the money and run.
When you come across oranges wearing suntan lotion, don’t judge them harshly. They do so in order not to peel.
The coffee shop owner was afraid. He wanted to know if the shop had ground to operate in the black.
I was driving through the safari park when my sat nav said “bear left”. It was clearly a zebra.
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