Where did the Romans go to rent their vehicles?
Herculease.
My trucker friend was super excited about his new house. I asked him why, and he told me it had a really long haul way.
"Some bunny needs vodka."
Scientist are shocked after discovery of a new african bee species that can keep on flying even after their heart stops.
Local tribes in fear of a zombee apocalypse
I'm a gardener and I'm OK
I sleep all night and I plant all day!
I dress in grubby clothing and hang around with slugs.
Oh I'm happy in the garden
With dirt and plants and bugs.
I can't decide whether to grill chicken breasts or chicken thighs...
I guess I'll just wing it
I bought a bunch of antique spears online, but they arrived without their spear heads.
I got shafted.
What do sharks order at McDonalds?
A quarter flounder.
Dr. Frankenstein just placed an order on Amazon.
It wasn't expensive, but I imagine the shipping cost him an arm and a leg.
How do you spot a car made by Apple?
It does not have Windows.
What did the mama nut say to her son?
“If I ever cashew doing that, I walnut be happy.”
What happens when a neurotransmitter falls in love with a receptor?
You get a binding relationship.
I hate when I have to stop scuba diving
If makes me deep-pressed
Why did Eve want to leave the Garden of Eden and move to New York?
She fell for the Big Apple.
Q: What brand of underwear do pharaohs wear?
A: Fruit of the Tomb.
I've never seen the inside of my ears...
But I've heard good things.
A French photographer and his friend from Czechoslovakia were visiting Australia.
Unfortunately, one day they got too close to a nesting site and were attacked and eaten by a pair of crocodiles.
The female ate the Frenchman.
The Czech was in the male.
What do you call a guy who can't stop running along the beach?
Joggernaut.
What do snakes do after they have a fight?
Hiss and make up.
When the farmer died, all his chickens were sold to the highest bidder.
They would have preferred to stay on the farm, but auctions speak louder than birds.
My friend: *Throws salt at me*
Me: Don’t assault me!
My wife was trying to feed our son a pear, and he was refusing.
I said, Good news. Our son is immune to pear pressure.
The bottom of the butter bucket is the buttered bucket bottom.
Why did the cherry go to the good drinks factory? It was cordially invited.
What kind of horse does a ghost ride? A nightmare.
Did you hear about the cheese shop that was destroyed by a tornado?
All that’s left is da brie.
What does the watermelon say to its girlfriend on Valentine’s Day? – “You are one in a melon!”
My mother's sister can carry 50 times her own weight
She's my aunt
What happened to the wooden car with a wooden engine and wheels? It wooden go at all.
You are pitcher perfect.
What do you call a Chinese man with one leg? Tie won shu
Why shouldn’t you let advanced math intimidate you?
It’s really as easy as pi!
What do you call an owl dressed in armor?
A knight owl.
One of the punny pig names for a pig that loves Shakespeare is Hamlet.
How did the mushroom end up on a vacation abroad? It was just a spore of the moment decision!
Do you know what kind of stock to use when making neotropical near-passerine bird soup?
Doesnt matter, as long as you put Toucans in.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs floating in a pool?
Bob.
My fire tonight...
Was lit!
A policeman was busted for collecting bribes and hiding the money in his freezer....
When the authorities searched his freezer, they found nothing but cold hard cash
Why was a realtor amused by solving a house jigsaw puzzle in just five weeks?
The box read for 10-14 years!
What was the conversation like at the dinner party with all the boring flowers?
Like pollen teeth.
What is the only similarity between a UFO and an affordable agent?
You usually hear about both but can never ever see one!
Do you know about April 1st?
Yes, I’m fooly aware of it!
What’s black and white, black and white, and black and white?
A penguin rolling down a hill.
How much caramel can a canny canonball cram in a camel if a canny canonball can cram caramel in a camel?
The cat’s out of the bag – I love you purry much.
What did the Turkey wear on Halloween?
He was a goblin.
Why does Bigfoot only leave footprints behind?
Sasquatch doesn't litter in the great outdoors.
Each time the cow escaped, the farmer would find him hiding in Moo York City.
How do you wash clothes at the beach?
With Tide.
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