You might be able to use a smuggled cell phone in prison.
You just have to have cell coverage.
What do you call a small, two winged insect resembling a mosquito that likes to keep the peace?
A diplognat!
I was making a salad the other day, and I thought I heard a small red vegetable that was a bit like an onion whispering. Must have been a hoarse radish.
What do baseball players eat at White Castle?
Sliders.
What kind of shorts do clouds wear? Thunderwear!
What do you call a bunch of zombie chickens?
The Bu-gawking Dead
How long have I loved you? I’ve lost track.
Had a great weekend. Won the annual weather forecaster's championships!
I beat the raining champion.
What do you call an English rock band playing in the mist? Foghat.
What’s a werewolve's favorite hobby?
Collecting fleas!
How many indie musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
It’s an obscure number, you probably haven’t heard it.
What’s green and pecks on trees?
Woody the Wood Pickle.
Why don't gnomes tell secrets in the garden?
Because the potatoes have eyes and the corn has ears. Plus, the beanstalk!
What stories did Vikings tell their children?
Norsery Rhymes
What’s a gorilla’s favourite pop group? A: Bananarama!
I had a traumatic experience with peas. I even had to go to thera-pea.
What do you think walking on the moon is like?
Not very impactful.
My son claims that he identifies as an ancient Greek string instrument.
Frankly, I think he's a lyre.
Being a soprano is a great opera tunity.
What is a crocodiles favourite dessert?
Brandy snaps.
Did you check the news? There was a Radon the chemical store.
Why don’t ants get sick? Because they have little anty-bodies.
Did you know that humans started out as peas? That's why we're called homosa-pea-ns.
What do mushrooms watch on TV?
Spores.
I tried to play a bass guitar once.
It didn't make much sound, and it slipped out of my hands and swam away.
What do you call an elf who runs away from Santa's Workshop? A rebel without a Claus!
Did the dinosaur take a bath ? Why, is there one missing?
What did the old urinal cake say to the new one?
"Oh boy, first day? Urine for a treat."
A young slice of bread came up to his crush. He told her that he was really falling in loaf with her.
I’m feelin’ pine.
Where do fish sleep? In the riverbed.
Need an Ark?
I Noah guy.
Pumpkin Spice and Everything Nice
I'm looking to sell my toothpaste collection.
Don't worry, they're all in mint condition.
How do you get into an all glass China cabinet?
Sorry, that's glassified.
How many second violinists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They can’t get up that high.
I went skiing with broken bones.
I can't afford real skis.
Why do vampires always dress so nice?
Because they’re so vein!
What did the bat say when she was invited to dinner?
No, fangs. I just ate.
Q. Which dinosaur species has deep blue-green feathers?
A. Teal-Rex.
What do you call a baby monkey?
A chimp off the old block.
Fall arrives, and all hell bakes loose.
What is an ogre's favorite snack?
Y-ogre-t.
How do berries start off the fruity olympics? They cherry the Olympic torch around the globe.
How do you cut the sea in half? With a see saw!
Four types of weather were having a race. Sunny won gold, cloudy got silver, snowy picked up a bronze, and rainy won a precipitation award.
Follow Beethoven's example. People said he was never going to be a musician because he was deaf. Did he listen to them? Of course not.
Where’s a dolphin’s favorite place to drink?
A dive bar!
Why did the mathematician work from home?
Because he could only function in his domain.
All the girls I meet keep thinking I’m a sheep.
Every time they see me they say “Ewe”
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