What did the farmer yell out when ducks invaded his dairy farm? Cheese and crackers!
What do you call a group of rabbits walking backwards?
A receding hareline
How many bones are in the human hand?
A handful of them.
Where does a cat keep its coins? In its purr-se.
What do you call a cow in a rooster costume? Roost beef.
In the magazine polls held this fall, Autumn was declared as the cutest season because it's awwwtumn!
What do you call a cow with two legs?
Lean beef.
A man has been arrested in South Africa for shooting a giant chess set
What's wrong with those big game hunters?!
Why was Tony Soprano fat? Cause he thought getting a slice of the pie was a piece of cake.
The doctor told me to get in a bathtub full of milk to soothe my sunburn, I asked him 'pasteurized?'
He said 'No, just up to your neck'
Why don’t snakes drink coffee?
Because it makes them viperactive.
Q. What's a computer geek's favourite snack?
A. Microchips.
I was going to shave my face but my razor was blunt.
It said, "You look ugly without a beard."
Saw my dad outside with a tv antenna on his head
When I asked him why, he said he was trying to get more in tune with nature.
Why did the viper, viper nose?
Because the adder, adder hankerchief.
Why won't prison life be much different from playing for the Bills? OJ will still have big guys opening holes for him.
Who fixed people's backs in ancient Egypt?
Cairo practers.
What do you call it when someone hits avocados repeatedly with a hammer?
Gu-whack-a-mole-e.
Where did Velociraptor buy things? At a dino-store!
What do you call a perfume that missed its deadline?
Eau de too late.
Two trucks – one carrying strawberries and one carrying sugar – crashed. Drivers didn’t stop, and now the jam is getting thicker.
What did the arsonist do on Valentine's day?
He met his match.
There were two knights who were fighting a long duel with each other. The fight ended when one of them chopped off the other's leg- guess the knight was defeeted.
How do you know a car is a good price?
If it is a Ford-able.
I used too much of my wife’s moisturizer after taking my shower this morning.
So I called in slick for work today.
Why did Noah have to punish the chickens on the Ark?
They were using fowl language.
Wondering what crows wear during Halloween, well, they wear caw-stumes.
My wife showed me two of her mother’s quilts and asked me which one I preferred.
I said, “I refuse to make blanket statements.”
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Peanut.
Peanut who?
Peanut butter open the door!
What did one flea say to the other?
Shall we walk, or shall we take the dog?
My pen ran out of ink and an ink fairy in the shape of a squid appeared. He said if I let him eat my dinner of shrimp he'd help me out by giving me some ink. The deal smelled kind of fishy, but I needed to finish my homework.
So we did it squid pro quo.
Halloween Math
What do you get if you divide the circumference of a jack-o'-lantern by its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi.
My doctor told me that I needed I kidney
I told her no. I'd prefer an adult-knee.
If you poop in your sleep...
You have sleep crapnea.
Which hot drinks space people like? Gravi-tea.
What do chemists make guacamole out of?
Avogadros.
Why go to the beach? I’d rather be by the ski-side.
Which vegetable is the most qualified?
Qualiflower.
Who led the Jews across a semi-permeable membrane?
OsMoses.
If you're alone and get too cold, you might become ice-olated.
When the theatre owner dies, his visitation hours are as follows: 1pm, 3pm, 6:30 pm, 9pm, and midnight.
This flu season, doctors are recommending you wipe your throat down with tissues.
Apparently they're synonymous with clean necks.
Green glass globes glow greenly.
How do fish get from place to place while playing golf?
With a golf carp,
The abdominal snowman is just a snowman with a six-pack.
What is an astronauts favorite chocolate? A marsbar!
What is the opposite of a flamingo? The answer is, a flaminstop.
What happens when you go to the beach in hell?
You get a SaTan.
What is a bear’s favorite soda?
Coca Koala.
Where do Russians get all of their milk from? Mos-cow!
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