Q: Why did the purple family have to move out?
A: They were plum too loud, excessively violet with one another, and were fuschiatives of the law.
What do you call a half dozen wolves drinking beer?
A six pack.
I hope these Halloween puns don't drive you batty.
How do you make a bandstand?
Take away their chairs.
Let’s take an elfie.
Why don't orphans make good baseball players?
Because they don't know where home is.
The orange said to the melon, “You are one in a melon.” The melon replied, “You are so appealing.”
What do you call an island populated entirely by cupcakes?
Desserted
I told the cowboy to eat salad with his fingers
He said he needed a ranch hand.
What is a cat’s favorite piece of artwork? The paw-trait of Meowna Lisa.
Why should you never marry someone that likes collecting weird coins?
They have no common cents.
I was attacked by a group of mimes.
They did unspeakable things to me.
What is black, purple, blue, yellow and white? Sugilite, sardonyx and opal all fighting over a gumball.
What do you call Chewbacca with chocolate stuck in its fur?
chocolate chip wookiee.
What do sailors buy to customise the back of their ships?
Aft-ermarket parts!
A good friend of mine fell into a vaporiser and died.
She is sadly mist.
"I would hop to the end of the world for you."
In some way, being a bowl of soup is like being a man. You are only blown when you are hot!
What did the eyewitness tell the cops after a computer robbed a bank?
It went data way!
Sleigh, what?!
Why was the sedimentary rock extra cheap? Because it was on shale.
My grand father always said "fight Fire with Fire".
He was a great man but a terrible Fireman
How did the hamburger introduce his wife?
"Meet Patty."
Ever had real cane sugar?
It cannot be beet.
What is a pink bird's favorite kind of dance? Flamenco.
What is a tree’s favorite geometry shape? The treeangle.
That look soots you.
Why did the electricity documentary get such mixed reviews?
People weren’t sure how to feel after it’s shocking ending.
Do not eat that alphabet soup, or you will have a vowel movement.
What do you get when you cross a "bad idea for using fur" with 86 billion neurons?
A hare-brained idea.
I love you from my head tomato
I was sitting in the toilet at Taco Bell and it reminded me of my divorce.
It was extremely messy and involved a lot of paperwork.
Normal Zombies: BRAAINNNNSSS!!
Vegetarian Zombies: GRAAINNNNSSS!!
Body Builder Zombies: GAAINNNNSSS!!
Plumber Zombies: DRAAINNNNSSS!!
Conductor Zombies: TRAAINNNNSSS!!
Weatherman Zombies: RAAINNNNSSS!!
I was walking home last night through the park, when this scary looking kid drew a knife on me...
The little brat used a permanent marker and it was a bastard to wash it off.
My son asked today “ Dad, are people in Spain cannibals?”
I answered “Why would you think that?”
He said “Well, my teacher said they mostly live off of tourists there.”
An electrician needed to change 8 fluorescent lamps to brighten up a large conference room at our office. I asked him if he needed a hand carrying them.
He said no, this is light.
I wanted to tell a knife joke to my friend
But it just won't cut it.
What do rodents say when they play bingo?
‘Eyes down for a full mouse’!
Did you hear about the soldier who got struck by lightning?
He had to be honorably discharged.
Dr. Frankenstein just placed an order on Amazon.
It wasn't expensive, but I imagine the shipping cost him an arm and a leg.
New Year's resolution for the bankrupt gardener was to forget the past and rely on the fuchsia...
One day, a young weasel went to the bar. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are under-aged. I can’t serve you beer.” The weasel asks, “What can I have?”
The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.”
“Pop!” goes the weasel.
Q. Where do lady gorillas go for a wild weekend night out?
A. Chimpendale's.
The local baker keeps punching his doughy friend because he wants to get a rise out of him.
What do you call a funny parrot spoof
A parody
I got a pear stuck in my toilet. All I needed to do was flush and it was gone.
Because a flush always beats a pair.
What happened to the skier who was injured the the top of the peak?
It's been all downhill from there.
What do ducks watch on TV?
Duck-umentaries.
What did the witch say when the door-to-door broom salesman showed her a vacuum.
I don't want an automatic. I want a stick shift!
What kind of shoes do frogs wear?
Open toad sandals.
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