Who did Dracula take to the school dance? His ghoul friend.
Bread is like the sun, it rises in the yeast and sets in the waist.
You have two cows, but only milk one. Your friend asks you…
"What about the udder one?"
Never believe minotaurs...
Half of everything they say is bull.
What do you call a socialite made of cheese?
Paris Stilton.
People say Frankenstein’s monster had a temper…
But actually he was surprisingly level-headed.
How did the space criminal escape from the prison planet?
He achieved escape velocity.
I saw this new movie about a mummy's new bandages. It was called The Emperor's New Cloths.
What did the lamp say to the flickering candle?
"Do you want to go out sometime soon?"
What do you get if you put an alligator in a blender?
Gatorade.
What kind of diet did the deer go on when she was trying to lose weight?
A non-deery diet.
I was hiking in mountains the other day and a big cat started attacking me
Man, I puma pants
What did one pirate say to the other when he beat him in chess.
Check matey!
What did the fans say to the band named after a famous chickpea spread?
Hummus a tune.
When she saw her first strands of gray hair...
She thought she would dye.
You can pick your friends or you can pick your nose...
but you can't pick your friend's nose.
How do you stop an Internet troll?
Seize their memes of production.
Before I became a dad, I was terrified I wouldn't know how to be a good one. Oddly enough, it turns out, it's in my blood - I come from a long line of fathers.
Where did the spinach go to have a few drinks? The Salad Bar!
I can't decide whether to grill chicken breasts or chicken thighs...
I guess I'll just wing it
Why are trees so silly? All of their puns arboring and acorny.
What do get when you cross a chili pepper, steam shovel, and a Chihuahua? Hot, diggety dog.
“Santa Claus’ favorite swimming spot is the North Pool.”
I was boiling vegetables in the saucepan the other day when my wife went to move it...
I said careful, it’s got a leek in it.
What do you call a professional beach volleyball player who doesn’t have a boyfriend or a girlfriend? Homeless.
What do you call a pig that gets the test answer wrong?
Mistaken bacon.
What did the steak say to his girlfriend? You're the apple of my rib-eye!
What do you call an overweight alien?
An extra cholesterol.
What do you call a strawberry in math?
A berry-able.
"You're a real good egg."
Why did Eve want to leave the garden of Eden and move to New York ? She fell for the Big Apple !
Being vegetarian was a huge missed-steak.
What do you call the onions which are small and yellow and very naughty? You call it a minonion!
My DJ friend took my advice and simplified his salad recipe.
he dropped the beet.
"Did you hear how the baker proposed to his girlfriend?"
"Yeah, he told her he loafed her more than life itself"
"No, he actually told her how much he kneaded her"
Why did Saint Patrick drive the snakes out of Ireland?
They were causing mass hiss-teria!
Fine Wine Pick-Up Line: Hey babe, what are you doing this fall? 'Cause I'd like to make you part of the season's harvest.
Some pink birds can be really rude. I approached a group of them the other day and they screamed “Flamingo away!”
This year, I've really enjoyed watching 'Planet Earth'.
It's a shame that it only has four seasons.
I tried finding the dairy factory last night, but I had no luck. I must have lost my whey.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
No matter how much she trimmed the particular strand of grass, the unruly grass kept on growing- what a grass-cal!
A cow usually prefers to eat moo-sli for breakfast.
Why don’t dolphin do well on school tests?
Because they work below C-Level!
What kind of shoes do frogs wear?
Open toad sandals.
Earlier today someone sent me a bunch of flowers, but all the heads had been cut off.
I think I'm being stalked.
I went on a date with a Chess World Champion the other night.
It took her about 10 minutes to pass the salt.
My friend mashed up some cherries on halloween and said they were blood. I was cherry-fied!
Doctor, Doctor! I'm terrified of words that are also letters!
Oh you are? I see. Why?
I saw a joke about chocolate bars but it wasn’t that funny So I just snickered.
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