I'm gonna quit my job on a submarine
I'm under a lot of pressure
"Now he's just some bunny that I used to know."
I’m very frond of you.
What’s a missionary’s favorite kind of car?
A convertible.
My wife refused to go to a nude beach with me
I can't believe she is so clothes-minded.
What does a skeleton use to cut through objects?
A shoulder blade.
What is an electrician’s favorite flavor of ice cream? Shock-a-lot.”
How does a hen leave its house?
Through the eggs-it.
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
My barrista friend turns up her nose at instant coffee.
She's quite sankamonious.
The lobster is one shell of an animal.
Right, I'm off to grow some facial hair above my top lip...
Must dash.
What’s the suns favorite clothes brand?
Kelvin Klein.
The couple who married during autumn lived apple-ly ever after!
Why didn't the hipster swim in the river? It was too mainstream.
Did you heard about the zombie crow? He wants to eat your grains.
What do you call a pig who can’t mind his own business?
A nosey porker!
As a Brit, I can't get into American football
They rugby the wrong way.
What kind of dinosaur works for the police? A trisara-cop.
Who's the most popular kitchen appliance?
The freezer, he's really cool
How to cars convince you?
By telling you that ‘you Audi-believe it.’
How do you catch a unique tiger?
Unique up on it.
How do you catch a tame tiger?
Tame way.
What does a bee do when it is extremely hot?
It takes off its yellow jacket!
Why did the orange fall out of the tree?
It went out on a limb.
What if soy milk is just regular milk that's trying to introduce itself in Spanish?
Once a year, I take my family on a tour of various nuclear facilities.
While my kids like it, my wife says it’s just a power trip.
I booked an appointment at the orthopedist for my whole family.
We got joint problems.
A man likes sending random stuff to his friends through the mail because he finds it funny.
This particular time the man takes some lettuce to the post office to ship to a friend from back home.
He tries to package it up but it won't fit unless he cuts it into smaller peices. He cuts it up and stuffs it in a large envelope, however he forgets to write out and attach a shipping label. He doesn't realize his mistake at the time and brings it to the counter to send.
The postal workers says: "You can't send a salad like that, it needs adressing".
Stealthy minotaurs are always camooflauged.
Q: What’s a tiger’s favorite color?
A: Roar-range.
What did the pig say on the warm summer’s day?
“I’m bacon.”
What do you call a turtle who takes up photography?
A snapping turtle.
What do you call a fruit that doesn't take s**t from anyone? The top banana.
Did you hear about the zombie who was expelled from school?
He kept buttering up his teacher!
Why didn’t Handel go shopping?
Because he was Baroque.
I bought a bunny because everyone needs a friend who is all ears.
You're so beautiful, even the leaves fall for you.
How did cars protect themselves during the medieval age?
They would dig an M.O.T. around them.
Pilots would be very hard to beat in a competition, they are always ready for a-rrival.
"I'm dyeing to know what's up."
Why did the dairy farmer go on a diet? She wanted to cheddar a few pounds!
I just dropped my phone in the bath
Now it's syncing.
Did you hear about the misguided unicorn lumberjack who was killing humans? He believed he was doing random axe of kindness.
What kind of money does deer use?
“Bucks!”
Where do astronauts buy their milk? From the milky way!!!
When I went into my art lesson covered in yeast and flower, my teacher said I was the perfect roll-model.
Why did the cow fall down while being milked? Because the rug was pulled out from udder it.
Just a buffalo laying down, bisoness as usual.
What type of dog does Dracula have?
A bloodhound.
Broken pencils are pointless.
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