How do mice celebrate when they move home? With a mouse warming party!
I just want to say, “I love brew.”
What do you get if cross a baseball player and a monster?
A double header.
“Dachshund Through the Snow.”
How much does it cost to fly Santa’s sleigh?
About 9 bucks.
Plain popcorn? You can do butter than that.
The sheep says to the shepherd "you're an jerk and I hate you!" and the shepherd says "Say what?"
And the sheep goes "You herd me!"
The Christmas alphabet has noel.
Why are you eating a banana with the skin on? Oh, it's all right. I know what's inside.
You heard about the Spanish woman that is now a man?
He’s called Senor Rita.
Why was the broken air conditioner already sad?
Because it couldn’t vent it’s problems.
What did the Endoplasmic Reticulum say to the Golgi. I like your body, and the Golgi said it's complex.
What was the main job of the bread truck? To haul buns.
Pilots would be very hard to beat in a competition, they are always ready for a-rrival.
How did the tigers greet the other animals in the jungle? "Hey! Pleased to eat you."
Who is Frosty’s favorite Aunt?
Aunt Artica!
Kindly kittens knitting mittens keep kazooing in the king’s kitchen.
Did you just hear that perfume bottle talk?
I think it's becoming scentient.
I'm studying the meaning of couches in different parts of the world.
It's really PhillySOFAcal.
What kind of seal do you get on letters from Turkey?
A stamped bull.
What type of person doesn’t like pizza?
A weir-dough.
Why did the Vampire read The New York Times? He heard it had great circulation.
A lot of William Shakespeare’s plays were based off of old Greek and Roman performances
That's playgarism if you ask me.
Know what kind of cookies rich people love? Fortune cookies.
What’s the worst thing about broken elevator puns? They’re not very uplifting.
What do you call the ghost of a chicken? A poultry-geist.
What type of fish do two sodium atoms make?
2Na.
Why did the obtuse angle go to the beach?
Because it was over 90 degrees.
What did the rabbit say to the lettuce?
Romaine calm, I’m here for the carrots.
Did you hear what the foolish gardener did?
The guy planted a light bulb and though he’d get a power plant.
What do sloths throw in winter? Slowballs.
My favorite sport is bowling cause I always strike out with girls.
What did the mother airplane say to the child airplane when the child was acting rude?
"I've had it with your altitude"
ALDI grocery stores have announced their new store brand peanuts.
ALDI’s nuts.
If Jim has 15 watermelons and throws one at Mary, what does Mary have?
“A really bad headache!”
Why did the wife divorce the baker?
Because he was much too kneady.
Did you hear about the flower who joined Tinder?
He just wants somebudy to love.
Why does England always get attacked in the summer?
Because the Knights are shorter then.
Where do chess grandmasters keep their pet snakes?
In a chesst.
What do you get when you cross a dog with a calculator?
A friend you can count on.
This autumn, the garden told the mower to leaf him alone in peace.
It took me forever to figure out where my mustache went.
Turns out, it was right under my nose the whole time.
Did you hear the terrible rumor about the volleyball player? That’s what she set!
Why did the birthday cake go to the doctor? Because it was feeling crumby!
My friend is always trying to make cows nervous. She's a fan of milkshakes.
I love my wife with all my butt! I should have to say heart, but my heart is actually smaller than my butt.
When you buy a bigger bathtub....
You have more bath room, but less bathroom.
Why was the burger sad? Because he had the blue cheese.
I highly encourage you to have more brain farts
It develops mental fartitude.
I used to sell loose onions
Until I got the sack
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