Why did the butcher work overtime at the grocery store? To make ends meat!
What do you call a gorilla with a million dollars?
A gorillanaire
Why wouldn’t anyone play with the little longhorn?
He was too much of a bully.
What did the orange say to the lemon?
"'yello!"
What happens when you hire an odd-job guy to do 8 jobs?
They only do 1, 3, 5 and 7.
What do you call a dinosaur that got stuck in the rain?
A driplodocus.
Why don’t these children eat their soup? Because all of them is stew-pid.
Why do Christians in Japan always put an extra cup at the table?
For God's sake.
What did the Italian marine Biologist say when asked to identify an eel?
That's a moray!
Q. What did one artistic colored pencil say to another?
A. Bro, you are lookin' sharp today!
What do you call a serial killer watermelon? A slaughter melon.
I was not allowed to do my stand up act at the mushroom comedy show. I guess I am not a fungi.
What would a pineapple say to a pineapple pie? You have some crust.
Everyone is getting so paranoid, and diving into conspiracy theories lately...
Must be something in the water.
My son and I went camping yesterday and when he asked me how to start a campfire, I explained, "You can start a fire by rubbing two sticks together, but make sure they’re the same..."
"Then you’ll have a match."
What is the difference between a car and a bull?
A car only has one horn.
Accidentally I spilt some tomato ketchup in my eye.
In Heinze sight, it was my mistake.
Mom: Did you watch the movie with the little pumpkins?
Dad: I stopped it early because it was too gourdy for me.
how do you convince meat juice out of a bovine?
You consomme out of him.
I saw a squirrel bury a nut in my backyard today.
I'm going to swap it for a grilled cheese sandwich and blow his mind.
If I lived in medieval times, I'd be a tavern guard.
I've always been known for my Inn-Security.
Where do beavers keep their money? Well, they keep it in the riverbank.
I asked the librarian for the new book on erectile dysfunction.
She typed on her keyboard and said "It's not coming up!"
I said "Yeah, that's the one!!"
What are the three things most important to bats about their local real estate?
Echolocation. Echolocation. Echolocation.
When we put our two hearts together, we can’t be beat.
What type of food do worms like?
Your Halloween Candy!
What do you call people who go to space? Icetronauts.
Why did the deer go for a run?
To doe off some steam.
What do you call an elf who steals Christmas present wrapping from the wealthy and gives it to the poor?
Ribbon Hood.
Q: Why was the Pharaoh wet?
A: He was the reigning ruler.
Tennis matches and strawberry jam have one thing in common. Cons-serve.
Q: How do two cherries make up after an argument?
A: They cherry the hatchet.
Where do chess grandmasters keep their pet snakes?
In a chesst.
The garden where only white cars are driven can be called a garden of white carnation.
I met a man with a glass eye this morning...
He didn’t tell me, it just came out in the conversation
The only things wolves have that no other animal on the face of the earth has are wolf cubs.
What happened to the wooden car with a wooden engine and wheels? It wooden go at all.
Tea pun-packed poem for my mum's birthday card
It’s been oolong time since my mum was born,
About Six-tea years to date,
Chai as you might, you can’t possible list,
her cupious amazing traits
Her balanced demeanour
Her Kindness and (earl) grace,
rooibost sense of humour,
too many to name in this teany space,
to pekoe out just a few does not do her justice,
let’s not stir things up and cause more of a ruckus,
While this ode may be (chamo)miles away from a Maya Angelou,
It’s just an obnoxious way to say how very matcha I love you.
What does a deer call her boyfriend?
Cari-boo.
I watched a good film about fishing last night.
It had a great cast.
The injured player wanted to congratulate the winner, but he couldn’t walkover to the other side of the court.
Struggle with your Children's Math homework?
Apparently it's quite common in five out of every four homes.
Even the most intelligent people can’t survive a day without electricity, like Stephen Hawking.
Building a good makeup design always starts with a good foundation.
You can forget about winning, princess. Because even Cinderella can’t get to this ball.
A priest, a rabbit and a deacon walk into a blood bank.
"I think I might be a type o." said the rabbit.
What is a cat’s favorite kitchen tool? The whisk-er.
Oranges rarely pass driving tests, this is because they keep on peeling out.
Did you hear about the crab who went to a seafood disco?
He pulled a mussel.
Why shouldn’t you take corn on an airplane?
Your ears will pop!
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