Speed and Velocity are brothers.
Velocity has a family, is rich and teaches classes around the world.
Speed dropped out and still lives with his parents.
They think Speed lacks Direction.
What did the electrician use to moisturise his hair?
Air conditioner.
Where do horses live in Harry Potter?
Diagonal Alley.
Why did the troll go running?
To keep up with you!
When you meet someone, you don't want to get off to a bad art!
Why did the chicken cross the river?
To get to the otter side
What is American football called in other countries?
30.48 cm ball.
What is a flamingo's favorite ride at a theme park? The flamingo-karts.
I don't mind leg day at the gym.
It's just the two days after that I can't stand.
On a lazy laser raiser lies a laser ray eraser.
How are a car and a bicycle similar?
“You can’t make watermelon juice out of either of them.”
You say "easy peasy lemon squeezy"
... but I prefer "depressed stressed lemon zest."
How do you make a goldfish old?
Take away the “G”!
Napoleon conquered too much lang because he had too little Toulouse.
My dog loves designer hand-bags.
So I got him a Poochi.
Even though Jake was a heartthrob Casanova, he just had to break up with his long-time watermelon vending girlfriend; said she was always melondramatic about everything.
I dropped my cactus the other day
Worst part is, I caught it
Why did the orange go to the doctor? He wasn’t peeling well.
Why did the rooster cross the road?
He heard there were some hot chicks on the other side.
You don’t need to pay rent to live inside my heart.
Why did Julius Caesar buy crayons?
He wanted to Mark Antony.
How do pigs write top secret messages?
With invisible oink!
Where is the Ghost’s bedroom located? Down the Hall-oween.
What happens to a cherry tree when it grows up? It blossoms.
I’m feelin’ green.
In the middle of the night yesterday, I dreamt that I was swimming in a sea of oranges only to wake up and realize that it was just a Fanta-sea.
Thankfully, not too many thieves are interested in acting on stage. They'd surely steal the show.
The huddle is real
What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? a thesaurus.
Dear Algebra, Please stop asking us to find your X.
She’s never coming back—don’t ask Y.
Who in the hell names their son “Tiger” ?
Only people in the Woods’
My sister asked me to hand her lipstick but i handed her a glue stick instead
She still won’t talk to me
What do you call a spinning potato? A rotate-o.
A magician once said he could make a tiger disappear but only transformed it into a tabby cat...
It was a sleight exaggeration.
My new Halloween cookies are bringing everyone back for more!
I call them boo merginues.
My dad has been making Halloween related puns all morning
He's now asking that I call him the Halloween Pun King.
It’s going to be awkward if Mr. and Mrs. Burr...
ever lose their son Tim in a forest.
What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi.
what do people win at fancy grammar competitions.
a posh trophy.
How many bones are in the human hand?
A handful of them.
What do crows take for their gut issues? crow-biotics.
I bought an old stereo.
My wife has her doubts, but I think it's a sound investment.
Where do you find the nicest children in the world?
Germany. They're kinder.
My friend wanted me to take care of his extremely fragile pumpkin.
I told him I'd gourd it with my life.
The sweater I bought recently kept picking up static-electricity, so I returned it to the store.
They gave me another one, free of charge.
What do you get if you cross a baseball pitcher and a carpet?
A throw rug.
What is the only time you start at the red and stop at the green?
“When you eat a watermelon!”
The baby beaver sang a song about the river in a video for his friends. He had a good flow.
This might sound corny, but I think you’re a-maize-ing.
What’s the super-confusing way that pigs say I love you? “I a-boar-you.”
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