What do cows get when they are sick? Hay Fever.
Any self-respecting rock will break at least one shovel before accepting its new home.
I just learned how to speak parrot.
I just learned how to speak parrot.
My wife is mad at me because I took a dump on the roof...
How can I wipe the slate clean?
Michelle Obama’s favorite vegetable? Barack-oli.
Where do fish save their money?
In the river bank.
"Cabernet. More like, caber-yay!"
I walked into my sister's room and tripped on a bra... It was a booby trap.
What do you call a polar bear in Florida?
A solar bear.
What did the nut tree say when his wife left him? I walnut stand for this!
What do you call pig shampoo?
Hogwash.
If you ever own a koala as a pet, make sure you can keep track of it by putting a koalar around its neck.
Local weather reports state there won't be any rain for 1 year, but I drought it.
How do fish get high?
Seaweed.
"Come follow me and I will make you a Fischer of men."
Trowel and error.
What is in the middle of dinosaurs ? The letter "s"!
What did the lamps do after their date?
They got turned on.
Why did an agent decide to hide his realtor license?
Because he wanted to be a secret agent.
I took the recent snow warnings with a pinch of salt.
Away from their official duties, soccer players love dancing at a soccer ball.
What activity should you do when you’re babysitting little cheeses?
Build a roquefort.
If a hole isn't full of water then it isn't feeling well
What sound does a vacuum sweeper make when it explodes?
Ka-BROOM!!!
How many Chinese folks does it take to screw in a light bulb?
They don't change lightbulbs, then just dim sum.
What are the benefits of city buses using green fuel? They’ll always be on thyme.
Which front-office type is the most promiscuous? The general ménageur.
Why are trees such great thieves? They really have sticky fingers.
Which birds go to church a lot?
Birds of pray.
Exasperated, I threw my hands up in the air and shouted at my wife, "I'm not a complete idiot!" She smiled at me and purred, "I know honey."
"Some parts are missing."
Why can't mermaids use the letters A or B?
They only know what's below C level.
Today my son drew a picture of a kangaroo without a body.
I couldn't make heads or tails of it.
How did the aliens hurt the farmer?
They trod on his corn.
What does a cheese say when you ask him to share a secret?
He cantal.
How did the horse get up the stairs?
He mounted them.
My wife looked at me and said “You think you’re pretty sharp, don’t you?”
Q. Where do lady gorillas go for a wild weekend night out?
A. Chimpendale's.
Most camels prefer camelmile drinks because of the nutrition in there.
All things must grass.
Why was the potato fired from his job at the football stadium?
He was a horrible commentater.
So engineering school is really hard.
I'm not doing so hot in thermodynamics.
Eating no meat except fish is really bothersome.
I should stop being a Pesky-tarian.
You’re traveling the Oregon Trail and you meet a man named Terry. You say “Terry? That’s a girls name!” He pulls out his gun and shoots you.
You have died from dissin' Terry.
What did the burger meat say to the BBQ? “Is it meat you’re looking for?”
I read a bunch of news articles dealing with lightning strikes recently.
I'm trying to keep myself knowledgeable about current events.
What’s the difference between Spring Break and Summer Break?
Jumping on the bed won’t make a Summer Break.
How does Moses make coffee?
Hebrews it.
Doctor Doctor I've broken my arm in four places.
Docter: Well stop going to those 4 places then!
I stole some kitchen appliances from my mate...
It was dangerous but worth the whisk.
What’s the difference between a punter and punster?
A punster gets his kicks with bad puns like these!
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