My son asked me, what’s a Greek urn?
I said, “about 20 drachmas a day.”
What’s the difference between a marine biologist and a dog?
One tags a whale, the other wags a tail.
You sleigh me.
How are a volleyball player and a carpenter similar? They both love to hammer spikes.
What did the zombie get when she was late to dinner?
The cold shoulder.
What do you call a turtle who takes up photography?
A snapping turtle.
How do you know the French Onion is Canadian?
Because the oignon est!
Why did the penguin cross the road?
To go with the floe!
Why did Julius Caesar go to the dermatologist?
Because he had so many lesions.
What do you call someone who steals from the keebler elves? A crook-ie
Which bat can hang the highest and longest?
The acro-bat.
Strawberries love delicious food. Their favorite is Jam-balaya.
What animal could Noah not trust?
Cheetah
What do you call an angle that is adorable?
Acute angle.
What’s Irish and stays outside all year?
Patty O’Furniture
How long does it take to brew Chinese tea? Oolong time.
Behind every great parent is a great kid. Happy birthday!
Why do trees have to drink responsibly? Otherwise, they become a bunch of trunk idiots.
The soccer player brought string to her game because she wanted to tie the score.
What did the fawn who wanted to be a child forever say?
“I don’t want to doe up!”
Stay true to your shelf.
Did you know there were vegetarians in Medieval Europe?
More often than not, they were called "peasants"
A zebra is the safest place to cross the road. Unless you are actually a zebra.
Why was the Blonde fired from the M&M factory?
She kept throwing away the W's.
Man wins award after he died eating appetizers at a Mediterranean restaurant
It was a Post-Hummus award.
"It's been an emotional day," said the groom. "Even the cake is in tiers."
Shell-abrate the good times!
Why did the girl decide to become an art dealer? Because she wanted more Monet.
Being in love is a lot like central heating in your home.
You turn it on just before your guests come over and pretend that your house is always like this.
What do you call a Pharaoh who has road rage?
Tootin' car man.
Why was the medieval architect always going to the beaches? So that he could build the perfect sandcastle!
What’s that feeling you get every month when the mortgage is due?
Homesick.
Never trust an atom. They make up everything.
Why did the boy soon stop trying to grab the mountain fog? Because he always mist.
I just watched a documentary about beavers. It was the best dam show I’ve ever seen.
I told my wife she drew her eyebrows too high...
She looked surprised.
If marriage is grand, what is divorce?
Ten grand!
Who was the most flatulent Pharaoh in all of old Egypt?
King Tootsarecommon.
I showed my mom my report card, she said that she needed to see more A's
I said OKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY
What is the name of the horse that a knight onion rides? They ride a scallion.
Unfortunately, the jumper cables are getting a divorce. They just had no spark.
What fish are at the zoo?
Lion fish!
What is better than a physics joke?
A meta physics joke.
What do you call a barbecued, blood-sucking insect?
Mesquite-o.
What did the cornfield say when it heard rain coming?
That’s music to my ears!
In Quebec they used to practise throwing the puck in the zone, and then
sitting back to wait for a turnover. But eventually the players were
criticized for this dump-and-chaise tactic.
What do you call doctors who make vaccines for the flu?
Flu-Fighters.
I surprised my friend as she was trying to steal another spine from a corpse...
She was takin' a back when taken aback!
What do you call it when you plant a tree at each corner of a house?
A fourest.
[Food Spread] This is the line of scrumptiousness.
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