My wife told me: “You’ve got to stop watching so much TV, and read more!”...
so I turned on the closed captioning.
What would a pineapple say to a pineapple pie? You have some crust.
Where do you put nectarines when you want to freeze them? Inside the peach-zer.
Theater sound guys aren't always good speakers
There's this vampire who's more powerful than any other, because he can't be hurt by the sun
All other vampires pale in comparison.
I can row a boat.
Canoe?
Why did the bicycle fall over?
Because it was 2-tired.
Why doesn't Daniel Tosh eat Hot Dogs? He can't find the zipper
What do you get when you put a bomb in a dinosaur? Dino-mite.
What kind of party is held in a cornfield?
A cornball!
What did the pinecone say to the pineapple? Nice to meet juice.
Every time I see my vegetable girlfriend, my heart just beet faster.
What did one of Frankenstein’s ears say to the other?
I didn’t know we lived on the same block.
What do you get when you cross two fish with two elephants?
A pair of swimming trunks.
Coworker: Hey, I reallly like your hair! What's your secret?
Me: Thank-you! I don't get very many complements on it. Most people are gel-ous.
4G, or not 4G, that is the question.
What do you call a bunny who was raised in a hotel? An inn-grown hare.
Why did the computer come with airbags?
In case it crashed.
“I found this humerus” is the perfect Halloween pun for boneheads.
Q. Where do gorillas get their gossip?
A. From the grapevine.
What did the river ask the beaver? "Water you doing today?"
To the person who stole my coffee, my lamp, and my parrot…
I don’t know how you sleep at night.
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
What did Russian do after they made the vaccine ?
They Put-in.
People are always amazed by the skilled tattoo artists in Spain
Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision.
What’s the biggest danger of building a snow dog?
Frostbite!
Ireland you money, if you’ll pay me back.
My theater group is writing a sci-fi thriller about classical musicians.
I'll be Bach.
Q. Why did the girl-illa win the beauty contest?
A. She was beast of show!
Did you hear about the sea captain who made a special salt-proof boat for the salty waters of the ocean?
It was a sailing solution to cross a saline solution.
I'm glad I have my 2nd Amendment right to bear arms.
Otherwise, I'd have been amputated at birth.
Why did the cat get divorced?
He was a cheetah.
I like you a latke!
When autumn arrives, the evergreen tree asked the deciduous tree, "Leafing so soon?'
Why do beavers make the best neighbors?
Because they mind their own dam business.
Why are snails allowed on ships?
Escargot.
The snuggle is real.
Flat-Earthers hate the fact our planet is spherical, whereas Asgard is flat.
It's a Thor subject for them.
Why had the beaver left the pond? He thought it was too shallow.
What did the poop shoveler say when he quit his job?
"I'm dung with this sh*t!"
What is the best way for fungi to grow? You must give it as mushroom as possible!
I hate windy weather. It really blows.
To which tier of fruits and vegetables do onions belong? They belong to the teary.
What do gnome allergy sufferers call a reaction caused by daisy-like flowers?
An aster-risk.
Whats the difference between and orchestra and a bull? On the bull the horns are in the front and the a***ole is in the back.
How many worms does it take to eat a zombie?
It depends on the size of the zombie!
Did you check the news? There was a Radon the chemical store.
Unfortunately, the jumper cables are getting a divorce. They just had no spark.
Irish potatoes are spud-tacular.
Two pebbles washed up on the beach. One says to the other, "Are you married?"
Other replies, "No, I'm shingle."
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