Are you a card?
We're perfectly suited for each other
Why didn’t I believe what the cheese salesman told me?
It was too gouda to be true.
I swear I was born in the wrong generation. Nowadays everyone is addicted to their phones.
I wish I was born in the 80's when everyone was addicted to Cocaine.
What do you call ten Arctic hares hopping backwards through the snow together?
A receding hare line.
I like to sleep with the bedside lamp on, even though my wife says it's weird.
I don't see how, I think it makes a great hat.
I've been trying to think of an electrical pun but now my head Hertz.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road? Because the chicken joke wasn't invented yet.
My dog won’t get off the PlayStation He’s been playing Fi-fur all day.
What dd the man in the moon do when his hair got too long? Eclipse it.
What did the nerdy duckling say ?
Quark Quark.
What do you call a sleeping werewolf?
An unaware-wolf.
What’s long, green and goes hith?
A snake with a lisp.
What do you call a goat that lip-syncs?
Billy Vanilli.
What did the tree say to autumn? Leaf me alone.
The farmer cried wolf when all his three pigs were mauled by the jungle wolf.
Who needs friends when you’ve got anemones?
Nothing really mattress.
Son: Dad, did you know they used to carve turnips on Halloween?
Dad: They must have been out of their gourds.
In the eyes of the lawn.
I wrote a song to memorialize the man killed when a piano fell down a mine shaft.
It's in A flat minor.
What's the difference between a bipolar person and a loft full of lemons?
One's a bit erratic and the other's a bitter attic.
How did the realtor compliment his wife?
He said, “Real estate values will go up and down, but you will remain beautiful forever.”
What did the evaporating raindrop say?
I’m going to pieces.
What do you call a Pig with three eyes?
Piiig.
Can you can a can as a canner can can a can?
Who's a pickle's favorite artist?
Salvador Dilli.
I was sailing my boat when a massive hand rose out of the water and then slowly disappeared...
I thought, 'That's the biggest wave I've ever seen!'
What kind of snake does your math teacher probably own?
A pi-thon.
Why did the zombie eat a light bulb?
Because he wanted a light snack.
What do you feed the son of god? Cheeses of Nazareth.
I love meat. I think going vegetarian would be a big missed steak.
Unlike peaches, nectarines don't have any fuzz, because they suffer from Alo-peach-ea.
I cant use the urinals when there's a person next to me, I get pee-er pressure
"Dad, my computer can't find the Wifi printer anymore... I renamed it to Bob Marley, same password."
"Why Bob Marley?" - he asked.
"Because its always jammin"
Did you hear about the love affair between sugar and cream? It was icing on the cake.
Why can't basketball players go on vacation?
They aren't allowed to travel.
What is a European dragon’s favorite food?
Swiss charred.
A woman gets into an accident while driving. She tries to explain to the officer that it wasn’t her fault. She says the other guy was drinking and on his phone! The officer looks at the lady and says, "Mam, he could do that in his own backyard.”
What type of car does a cowboy drive?
Audi partner.
Why did the farmer decide not to buy an extra phone? It was because he already had one for onion rings.
What's a pun's favorite love song?
"My Punny Valentine!"
The FBI are raiding an alleged spy's apartment when they discover a hard drive labeled "KGB".
One of the agents holds it up with a look of confusion and says, "Why wouldn't he just write 1 TB?"
What's the opposite of an elephant?
An eleph-antonym.
Luke Luck likes lakes.
Luke's duck likes lakes.
Luke Luck licks lakes.
Luck's duck licks lakes.
Duck takes licks in lakes Luke Luck likes.
Luke Luck takes licks in lakes duck likes.
A woman tried to order an exotic snake online, but was surprised to find that when the package arrived, it contained only feathered scarves.
A baseball walks into a bar. The bartender throws him out.
What was the skeleton doing at the hockey game?
Driving the zam-boney.
How did the archeologists know the skeletons were real?
They were bone-afide.
"Every bunny was kung fu fighting."
What’s black and white, black and white, and black and white?
A penguin rolling down a hill.
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