My dad just told be a cool joke about drums
I thought I’d snare it with you guys
Who is a polar bear’s favorite musician?
Seal.
"Hey there, hop stuff."
What's yellow and black and yellow and black and yellow and black?
A wasp rolling down a hill.
My dog ate my computer science homework.
It took him a couple of bytes.
Why did the piglet yell at his sibling at the dinner table? She was hogging the food.
How do you make seven an even number?
Just remove the “s.”
I thought the play was frightful but I saw it under particularly unfortunate circumstances - the curtain was up.
No one can accuse this trip of being plane.
Why can't you use beef stew as a password?
Because it's not stroganoff.
What did Sherlock Holmes say when he caught the Christmas tree bandit? It was elemen-tree, my dear Watt-son.
I am soup-er into the beautiful girl that I met yesterday at school.
Is a cowboy with his foot across the Canadian border in Canada?
Just aboot.
What’s Frankenstein’s favorite food?
Frankenfurters.
What Do You Call Two Ducks And A Cow?
Quakers and milk.
What party game do rabbits like to play?
Musical Hares!
What is green and brown and crawls through the grass? A Girl Scout who has lost her cookie.
My nerdy friend just got a PhD on the history of palindromes.
We now call him Dr. Awkward.
I got arrested for the way I eat corn.
They charged me with a salt and buttery.
What happened to the cat that went to the flea circus? She stole the whole show.
Why do tigers always hunt and eat their prey raw?
Because they don’t know how to cook it.
Two flies were sitting on a urinal. Everything was going well between them, until one got pissed.
Where do geologists like to relax? In a rocking chair Why are geologists good at stand up comedy? They know really dirty jokes.
Why wasn't the geologist hungry? He lost his apatite.
Did you get to hear his new collection of wolf puns? They are howl-arious, absolutely rib cracking.
How do you get down off an penguin?
You don’t – you get down off a duck.
Saw Humpty Dumpty shopping for Halloween supplies.
He's going to have a great fall.
If Van Gogh were alive today, what might the title of his autobiography be called?
The STARRY of My Life
What do you get when you throw lettuce into the ocean?
I don't know lettuce sea.
I told my wife to embrace her mistakes
So she gave me a hug!!!
What sound does a gnome make when he's eating dinner?
Gnome-gnome-gnom-gnom-gnom-nom-nom!
Is your iPad making you fall asleep?
I can help—there’s a nap for that.
Why did the vegan go deep-sea fishing? Just for the halibut!
What do you call an English rock band playing in the mist? Foghat.
I felt sad for my brother's computer being overclocked because I heard the processor say, "Stop it! It hertz so much!".
Failed my art exam by using the wrong pencil.
It wasn't 2b.
What did parietal say to frontal?
"I lobe you."
Why do sharks swim in salt water?
If they swam in pepper water they would sneeze.
What is a potato’s favorite baseball team? The New York Yamkees
I saw a pig with laryngitis.
He was disgruntled.
What do you call an alligator that sneaks up and bites you from behind?
A tail-gator.
Why is a giraffe’s neck so long?
Because its head is so far from its body.
RIP boiled water.
You will be mist.
My Roomba accidentally rolled out of my front door, and the neighborhood squirrels and rabbits immediately started attacking it.
Nature abhors a vacuum.
How can a clam cram in a clean cream can?
What happens if you run in front of a car?
You get tired.
- Dad, where are the DVDs? Where's Shrek, I want to watch it.
- Somewhere ogre there.
I see a sea down by the seashore.
But which sea do you see down by the seashore?
Here’s more proof that I’ve gone off the deep end.
How can you tell which end of a worm is which? Tickle it in the middle and see which end laughs.
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