This time last year I was working as a computer programmer, installing auto correct. But out of nowhere..
.. I was fried for no raisin.
What did the deer say after prancing around a cloning machine for an hour?
“I feel like a million bucks!”
I asked a beaver out on a date. The beaver replied: “Gnaw.” I said: “Dam.”
A mycologist is the most ethical type of scientist. They follow morels closely.
When shouldn't you believe a word your cheese is saying? When it's too Gouda to be true.
Why didn’t the chef slice his cheese?
He had grater plans.
How can you tell a wine taster is a newbie?
By the blanc look on her face.
Fortune-teller was killed by a car bomb
Couldn’t foresee the C4.
What did the sarcastic otter say?
I think you’ve confused me with someone who builds a dam.
I'm fondue you, it's true
When you clean out a vacuum cleaner, does that make YOU a vacuum cleaner?
The school teacher tells you to spit out your gum, while the locomotive says “Choo Choo Choo!”
What’s green and hangs from trees?
Giraffe snot.
What's the difference between Hanukkah and dragons?
One is eight nights while the other ate knights
Is your eyesight as bad as your cell phone reception? Because that was a terrible call.
It’s impossible to Rouen a trip to France.
What do you get when you cross a cow and an earthquake?
Milkshake.
What did the doctor give the lollipop when he broke his leg
A candy cane.
Why are goats from France musical?
Because they have French horns.
Went to buy a new microwave. Salesperson asks me "what volume are you looking for?"
And I say "nothign too loud"
What happened to the baby chicken that misbehaved at school?
It was egg-spelled.
I don't know don't about your faucet, but mine is doing a pour job.
I poisoned my wifes pita dip.
The police charged me with hummus-cide.
Had a great weekend. Won the annual weather forecaster's championships!
I beat the raining champion.
Made a shoe out of tea bags for my wife, she said she needed to wipe her nose.
I don't know where I put my queen after the last chess game.
Maybe she's lost I need to check.
What did the tornado say to the washing machine?
Want to go for a spin?
Whenever I feel like wining, I remind myself to put a cork in it.
When potato chips don’t sell fast enough, the maker knows it will soon be crunch time.
What do you say to an astronaut looking for a car park
There's a spaceman.
Why are trees a popular Christmas decoration? They look good in boughs.
Who’s the patron saint of poverty?
St. Nickeless.
I heard they sent a beer into space, destined to leave the solar system. They called it Interstella Artois.
How heavy is a rainbow? It's actually pretty light.
I keep scores of my favorite iceboxes.
They're my refrigeRATINGS.
Does your sport shop stock short socks with spots?
I enjoy throwing coins in the river and watching them. I like studying my cash flow.
What did the salad lover say to his girlfriend?
You will Romaine in my heart forever.
Why are blood physicians so rich?
Because blood cells.
I’ve been getting blitzed all game
Two flies were fighting on a toilet seat.
One got pissed.
They're not going to grow bananas any longer.
Apparently, they're long enough already.
What’s an orange’s favourite animal? An orange-utan.
I'm giving away a free legless parrot.
No perches necessary.
Leave poetry to the prose.
Why did the T-Rex get a ticket? He ran through the stomp sign.
Chopping down other people’s cherry trees is definitely frowned upon. However, you likely won’t get into too much trouble for it – as long as you keep hold of the axe!
What pillow set do the church organist and his wife have?
Hymn and Hers.
Why couldn't the skeleton play football?
He didn't have the guts.
A magnetic strawberry is always red and points north.
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