France gave perfumes to countries it dominated in the past...
That was classic Colognialism.
What did the dog say when he sat down on sand paper?
Rough.
You’re my heartthrob.
I saw a beaver and I thought it was odd. Then I saw another semiaquatic creature and I thought it was otter.
What world-famous rock group has four guys that don't even sing? Mount Rushmore.
How do you save a drowning otter? Take your foot of its head
What type of dog doesn’t bark?
A hush puppy.
What do cows in Greece sound like?
They say µ.
What did the eye witness say about the camel who was using the bushes as a lavatory?
I saw the hump take a dump in a clump
What's a frog's favorite flower?
A croakus.
What kind of makeup do zombies wear?
Mas-scare-a.
What do you call a well-balanced horse?
Stable.
I'm gonna quit my job on a submarine
I'm under a lot of pressure
An instructor in chemical warfare asked soldiers in his class: "Anyone knows the formula for water?"
"Sure. That's easy," said one man.
"What is it?"
"H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O."
"What, what?" reasked the instructor.
"H to O," explained the chemistry expert.
What do you call an artistic piece of furniture?
A drawer
I stole some kitchen appliances from my mate...
It was dangerous but worth the whisk.
What's the worst part about being a beaver?
It's a lot of dam work.
Green vegetables absolutely love going on camps as a group. Their favorite is the Brussels Scouts.
I was she-shocked when my pet turtle died.
What did the salt say after it was pepper-sprayed?
That's nothing to sneeze at.
You know, the heart’s the hungriest organ.
It has the heartiest appetite.
Did you hear about the Italian chef with the terminal illness?
He pastaway. Now he’s just a pizza history.
Why do criminals hate coins?
Because half of them are coppers.
Napoleon conquered too much lang because he had too little Toulouse.
What's the difference between a BMW and a Cactus?
Pricks are on the outside of Cactuses.
The biggest irony in the world's history is that the Russian alphabet has no letters in lowercase. It is all Capitalization.
What is a car’s favourite element?
Carbon.
What did the blender say to his crush?
"I have mixed feelings about you, but we might blend together perfectly."
Did you know that humans started out as peas? That's why we're called homosa-pea-ns.
Will invisible airplanes ever be a thing?
I just can't see them taking off.
My wife and I went to a turtle pun class yesterday.
It tortoise nothing.
Why does the mermaid wear seashells?
Because she grew out of her B-shells.
Who was the fastest runner in the race?
Adam, because he was first in the human race.
I told the other alligator to stay outside, he cai-man anyway.
I know an old man who's a vampire. He's quite long in the tooth.
What's the best way to talk to a Tyrannosaur ? Long distance!
“Feliz navi-dog!”
What fish only swims at night?
A starfish.
Why do pigs go to New York City? To see the Big Apple.
Why can't a brain be 12 inches long?
Becuase then it would be a foot.
What is it called when bigger burgers fall from the sky?
Meatier showers.
What do you call a cow that plays the saxophone? A blues moo-sician.
What is a cat’s favorite kitchen tool? The whisk-er.
All the toilets in the police station have disappeared and they are asking for witnesses.
They currently have nothing to go on.
What do you call a socialite made of cheese?
Paris Stilton.
What's a fish's favorite musical instrument?
A bass guitar.
Why should you never share a bed with a pig? They hog all the covers.
The salesman at the furniture store told me "This sofa will seat 5 people without any problems!"
To which I said, “Where on earth am I going to find 5 people without any problems?”
What do you get when you put a saxophonist in a freezer?
Cool jazz.
My wife wanted to plant flowers
Problem is she hasn’t botany.
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