Why did the baseball player decide to shut down his website?
It just wasn't getting any hits.
What do you call a Mexican snake?
Hisssspanic.
When can a pizza marry a hot dog? After a very frank relationship.
What do you call a Medieval knight who's always sure of himself?
Sir Tainly.
Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake? Because it's too hard to put them on the bottom!
What do you call a bulletproof Irish man?
Rick O’Shay.
The local band stand was struck by lightening yesterday while the band was playing.
Only the conductor was hit.
The beaver offered some freshly streamed buns to his guests.
Fall makes me g-leaf-full!
I've invented a machine that prints money.
I programmed it to make coins, but for some reason it keeps printing dollar bills....
It makes no cents.
If you are ever babysitting a cherry, remember that their favorite cartoon is Tom And Cherry.
What's red and has 7 dents in it?
Snow white's cherry!
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a German are all watching a dolphin do some excellent tricks.
The dolphin notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he jumps higher out of the water and calls out, 'Can you all see me now?' And they respond: 'Yes.' 'Oui.' 'Sí.' 'Ja.'
This year, I've really enjoyed watching 'Planet Earth'.
It's a shame that it only has four seasons.
Which sports team do wine lovers always root for?
The Reds!
Where do all the cool mice live? In their mousepads.
Where's a pickle's favorite place to go in London?
Pickle-dilly Square.
TV repair during lockdown has been pretty easy.
It’s mostly remote work.
If a lamb and tiger were crossed, you would end up with a striped sweater.
Why didn't the two worms go into Noah's ark in an apple? Because everyone had to go in pairs !
Why was Julius Caesar the first dictator of Rome?
He was the only one with the Gaul to try it.
How do you know if milk is expired? The smell is dairy bad!
How did Frankenstein know Jesus was coming for a visit?
He used his frankincense.
How do bats tell their future? They read their horrorscope.
How will you make the earth clean? By giving it a meteor shower.
Police were called to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
What’s a whale’s favorite meal?
Fish and ships.
Does anybody remember the joke I posted about my spine?
It was about a weak back.
Why did the Jack-O-Lantern go to the pumpkin patch?
Because he had holes in him.
Where do werewolves hate shopping?
The flea market.
What is in the middle of dinosaurs ? The letter "s"!
What do you call a frozen frankfurter? A Chili dog.
Q. Why did the gorilla cross the road?
A. To get to the monkey biz on the other side.
A century ago, two brothers insisted that it was possible to fly ...
And as you can see, they were Wright.
How do astronauts like to eat their ice cream?
Floats.
What do you call an unpredictable, out of control photographer? A loose Canon.
What’s green and hangs from trees?
Giraffe snot.
Why don't turkeys like math?
Because when they added three to five...
They got Ate.
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What do you get when you cross a turkey with a centipede?
Enough drumstics for a month.
Why were the herbs not fully grown yet? They didn't have enough thyme!
Why is grass so dangerous? Because it is full of blades!
Medieval scientists were known to be very arrogant and stubborn. They thought that everything revolved around them!
I knew a guy who gave away his art but he only seemed to paint ducks with incomplete faces.
I asked about it once and he said "I like to bill them later."
Did you hear about those really bad storms that hit that boy scout camp over night?
They were in tents.
How did the shark plead in its murder trial?
Not gill-ty.
It is really rare to find the most perfectly cooked steak.
I recently met a musical group of pirates.
They called themselves A-Band-On-Ship.
Why do thespians have great hair? They want the perfect part.
Any self-respecting rock will break at least one shovel before accepting its new home.
My father and I were leaving our hotel room in Iraq and he almost forgot his suitcase.
I said "Don’t forget your Baghdad."
I always find artists romantic because when they love you, they do it with all their art.
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