I think if Rome hadn't been built on a hill...
..it wouldn't have had such a fast decline.
Her ex-husband had a heart attack after winning the lottery
But he'd neglected to update his will. She just couldn't bereave her luck!
Where does a 500-pound penguin sit?
Anywhere it wants.
What do you call a talking kangaroo?
A quantum leap.
There is always a first time to everything. For instance, when you take a mushroom either for lunch or dinner, you will be amazed at how magical it is.
What did the light bulb say to the electric generator? ‘You spark up my life!”
I googled 'lost medieval servant boy'
The result was 'This page cannot be found.'
What holds the sun up in the sky?
Sunbeams
Why should somebody who's just out of rehab think twice before going on a skiing holiday?
Because it's a slippery slope.
Why was the man with a beard in pain?
Because he had a must ache.
What type of music should you play at a St. Patrick’s Day party?
Sham-rock!
What did the judge say at the finale of the meat throwing competition? The steaks have never been higher!
Where do horses get their mane cut?
The hair-dressager.
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One thing you never want to do is divorce a butcher.
That would be a huge missed steak.
When you clean out a vacuum cleaner, does that make YOU a vacuum cleaner?
Writers are cold because they’re surrounded by drafts.
Q. What did one artistic colored pencil say to another?
A. Bro, you are lookin' sharp today!
A fired newspaper editor took an ex-press train out of town.
Federer is such a legend that they named the Roger’s Cup, and Fed Cup after him.
My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?"
Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."
Why did the student get upset when his teacher called him average?
It was a ‘mean’ thing to say!
What kind of music do frogs listen to?
Hip hop.
Who was King Arthur's alcoholic knight?
Sir Ohsis of the Liver
Why don't they make boats out of peppers?
Because they're always capsaicin!
It’s the fawn of a new day! - said the deer happily after waking up.
Did you hear about the rich rabbit? He was a millionhare!
The sheep says to the shepherd "you're an jerk and I hate you!" and the shepherd says "Say what?"
And the sheep goes "You herd me!"
What do you call a stolen jar?
A free mason.
What do you call a glass dinosaur?
Pyrex.
I said some stubtly racist stuff to a magpie
She was a victim of my crow aggressions.
What did the eye witness say about the camel who was using the bushes as a lavatory?
I saw the hump take a dump in a clump
I came home to find many folders, calendars and filing cabinets were stolen.
Police believe it to be the work of organised crime.
If a dog chews shoes, whose shoes does he choose?
How do you know if there is a Brachiosaurus in bed with you? By the dinosnores.
Q: Why are tigers religious?
A: Because they prey frequently, and prey as a family!
Why do girls scouts sell cookies? They wanna make a sweet first impression.
Where do ghosts play volleyball at? At the volleyball corpse.
Who is the superhero who loves to have soup all the time? Souper-man.
I just hear that the woman who lives next door and loves fruit died. I hope she would rest in peach.
A tennis ball walks into a bar.
The bar man asks: “have you been served?”
Why was there peanut butter in the middle of the road?
It went with the traffic jam.
I'm like a cow in tall grass,
I'm utterly tickled to be here.
I found my friend using a round-edged knife to cut his steak
it wasn't really sharp of him.
How do you beat a robot in a fist fight
Socket in the jaw.
What type of songs do planets sing?
Nep-Tunes.
“Someone’s barking up the wrong Christmas tree.”
What do gnomes love to sing at Christmas?
We're driving gnome for Christmas.'
What do you get when an Elephant sits on an Orange?
Orange squash.
What are sophisticated realtors known for?
Constantly telling you all about proper tea.
How many dinosaurs can fit in an empty box ? One . After that, the box isn't empty anymore!
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