I've just got my hand stuck in a jar of gherkins and I can't get it out.
I'm in a right pickle!
What is a blue whale’s favourite James Bond Film?
Licence to Krill.
That cola syrup is made by squeezing a kola nut.
That was soda pressing.
How does a horse drink wine?
With a de-canter.
The only reason i want to become a father is to make dad jokes all the time. Some people think I am kidding
But i’m dad serious
What did Dr. Frankenstein say when Pinocchio’s nose grew?
"IT’S A LIEEEEE!!"
While walking down the plains of the river, I lost my footing and got hit on my head. Now my head is swimming.
I have no idea what I'm doing with eyeliner
To be honest, I just wing it.
How do you know that it's too cold outside for a picnic?
You chip your tooth on the soup.
I told my wife that I saw a sheep pondering its place in the world.
She asked me, “Can ewe even imagine?”
Driving a truck carrying cutlery is easy – as soon as you see the fork in the road, you know you’re there.
An actor arrived for his rehearsal at the theatre.
As he looked around, an incredible feeling of deja vu swept over him.
Suddenly he realised the set seemed like a weird adaption of his apartment, the actress looked like an odd version of his wife, and the director sounded like an eerie rendition of his dad.
"Uncanny!" He thought. "I've arrived at a strange stage of my life".
It’s really annoying being stuck behind a flamingo in a car. They literally never put their foot down.
Did you hear the one about the pecan, the walnut, and the cashew?
It was nut funny.
How are a volleyball player and a carpenter similar? They both love to hammer spikes.
How about the stylish female crocodile, she's every inch a frock-o-dile.
Got emotional hearing about the role of tectonic plates in earthquakes. It was really moving.
How does a quarter moon always feel?
Crestfallen.
For my wife's birthday, I bought her some beads for her abacus
It's the little things that count.
Long ago, a couple of dudes claimed that human flight was possible.
They were Wright.
What did the Soup Nazi say to the canine? What Soup Dawg.
I'm thinking about writing a book about lamps. I think its a bright idea
I passed my dentistry tests with an A in my written paper.
In Oral, B.
What drink do goalies hate? Penal-tea.
Which Bible Character is a locksmith?
Zaccheus.
Everyone needs to eat bread because loaf is what makes the world go round. Loaf truly is.
Where were the first orange trees planted?
“In Orange County.”
When the little boy was baking a cake why did it run away? Because it said crack 2 eggs then beat it!
Anything is popsicle during summer!
I can’t believe I framed the ball in for a winner. Shank you!
Why wasn't the bag boy allowed to work at the juice bar?
Because baggers cant be juicers.
My dyslexia has reached a new owl.
What happened when the zombie refused to pay its ticket from the police?
It was facing grave consequences.
What do you yell at two mummies making out in public?
Get a tomb!
Shell yeah.
What do you call juice with no ice in it?
Ju.
The only way the mushroom could think of decorating his house was with toadstools.
What do you call a witch that lives in the desert?
A sand-witch.
Why are bread puns the greatest? They never grow mold.
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked
doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
I showed my mom my report card, she said that she needed to see more A's
I said OKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY
Why are automatic doors like knights?
Because they're chivalrous!
How do winged horses walk if they become pirates?
Peg-asus legs.
I can't decide whether to grill chicken breasts or chicken thighs...
I guess I'll just wing it
Did you hear about the constipated engineer? He worked it out with a pencil. It was a natural log.
Why couldn’t the cheese sleep?
He was scared there was a munster under the bed.
When a man went to the doctor to get rid of the strawberry that was growing out of his head, the doctor told him, "Don't worry. I'll give you some cream for that".
A witch with chickenpox is called an itchy-witchy.
I used to date a girl with a lazy eye
Turns out she was seeing someone else.
What do you call a werewolf that's found the cure for lycanthropy?
A lycan'tthrope.
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