What do you call a tooth in a glass full of water?
A one molar solution.
Why did the guy decide not to donate a dime to any charity raising funds for a marathon?
Because they just take the money and run.
Officer: “I’m sorry sir, it looks like your wife has been hit by a truck.”
Me: ”Yeah I know, but she’s got a great personality though!”
What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi.
What do you call the basketball move where you drink too much alcohol and score?
SlamDrunk!
I recently met a musical group of pirates.
They called themselves A-Band-On-Ship.
I woke up this morning and forgot which side the sun rises from, then it dawned on me.
What is in the middle of dinosaurs ? The letter "s"!
Why did the pig want a divorce?
Her husband was a boar.
Why are refrigerator shelves hipsters?
They were there before it was cool.
What do you call an ant dipped in chocolate? Decad-ant.
What do you call a truck towing a smaller truck?
A mother trucker
What distinction does OJ hold in jail? He's the first inmate with a retired number.
I was served by a former police officer at my local Applebee’s, I asked for a cup of water and he gave me a cup of ice instead and said
“Just-ice has been served”
The doctor told me I probably won’t be able to walk again after getting into an accident with a newspaper delivery truck.
I was crushed by the news.
What do you say when your horse proposes to your other horse?
Call the marrier!
What do you call a girl with an hourglass figure?
A complete waist of time.
Why do teenagers travel in groups of 3 or 5?
Because they can’t even.
Did you hear what the foolish gardener did?
The guy planted a light bulb and though he’d get a power plant.
How many berries could a bare berry carry,
if a bare berry could carry berries?
Well they can't carry berries
(which could make you very wary)
but a bare berry carried is more scary!
What do you get when you cross an alligator and a poison frog?
A croakadile.
My blender is a bit forgetfull. It keep breaking the ice with me.
I heard the local flasher was due to retire.
But hes decided to stick it out for another year.
KFC have hired geneticists to edit chicken DNA
Apparently they want something CRISPR.
What if the earth was both round and flat?
Would it be called cylindearth?
Coworker: Hey, I reallly like your hair! What's your secret?
Me: Thank-you! I don't get very many complements on it. Most people are gel-ous.
Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn't have the guts.
We all know that monkeys of all species love bananas, however, there is one family that doesn’t really fancy them, the orang-utans.
I've been diagnosed with a type of amnesia that makes me deny the existence of certain 80's bands.
There is no cure.
How do two flowers greet each other?
Hey bud, how’s it growing?
Q: Why are cherries never lonely?
A: Because they hang around in bunches.
What’s a ghoul’s favorite love story?
Romeo and Ghouliet!
Where do crows type? Crows type on cawmputers.
I’d like to tell a joke about salt but then said to myself: "Na."
You know why theater people say "break a leg" instead of good luck?
Because if you do, you'll end up in a cast!
What do alligators and Windows have in common?
Neither of them has enough bytes!
The winds of change started raining silver, copper, and gold coins.
How did the monster predict his future?
With the horror-scope!
What do you call a bald spot on a cell phone salesperson?
A gap in coverage.
My wife just yelled that I should fall in a pit or hole sunk into the earth to reach a supply of water and die.
I know she means well.
What do ghoul scouts hope to achieve by selling halloween cookies? They hope to make a good first impression.
I’m a little confused as to why everyone keeps giving me legos for my birthday.
I don’t know what to make of it.
Why did the banana go to the doctor?
It wasn’t PEELING well.
If Megan Fox is a cake, then what is Amanda Bynes? A fruitcake.
What do you call it when you've choked on water while jogging every morning this week?
The worst running gag ever.
Why can’t I ever win a game returning serve? Give me a break.
Santa's Short Suit Shrunk
Which are the best mathematicians amongst the snake family?
The adders.
What do ghouls say to each other before heading out for Halloween?
May the ghouls be with you!
The other day my wife asked me to pass her lipstick, but I accidentally gave her a glue stick....
She still isn't talking to me.
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