Last winter was so cold, I couldn’t stop telling my wife how much I glove her.
A team of mushrooms was playing basketball against a team of cabbages. The mushrooms won. Everyone cheered for the champignons.
There are lots of funny jokes about mushrooms that can give you stitches. However, you need to be patient enough because they need time to grow on you.
Send toast to ten tense stout saints’ ten tall tents.
Why is it so hard to contact a pirate? He leaves his phone off the hooks.
What did the watermelon wife say to his stinky husband? You’ve got a strange smelon you today.
What do horses eat with their salad? Dressage-ing.
What do donuts think about donut puns? They donut like them!
Why didn’t the horse buy a house?
The costs were mounting.
This might sound corny, but I think you’re a-maize-ing.
What do a tree and a bog dog have in common?
They both have a lot of bark.
How do you split the ocean in half?
With a sea-saw.
What kind of fish do you catch with Gummy Worms?
Swedish Fish.
What do you call it when a cardiology student flunks out?
Heart failure.
What did they give former Flyers left-winger Brian when he successfully
bulked up? Massive Propps.
I was going to tell you a joke about an egg but it's not all it's cracked up to be.
For waterproofing their nests, crows buy caw-king.
What did the left eye say to the right eye?
Between you and me, something smells.
What type of art do skeletons like?
Skulltures!
How can you tell if a tree is older than your mother?
It'll be covered in grandmoss.
What do you call for injured ants?
The ant-bulance.
o my friend Justin was late for the football game.
But that’s okay because he arrived Justin time for kickoff.
How many saws could a see-saw saw if a see-saw could saw saws?
What did the orange say before he started his new job?
“The zest is yet to come!”
If you're keen on stunning kites and cunning stunts,
buy a cunning stunning stunt kite.
What kind of donuts fly? Plain ones!
Repetition is the Mother of learning.
So who's the father?
Daddycation.
Why doesn’t the sun go to college? Because it has a million degrees!
Just finished my first shift as a lion impersonator.
It was a roaring success.
Why don’t pigs eat cake? Because they’re morally opposed to bacon.
I broke my spine in an accident last year. Had a life saving operation to fix my neck which permanently locked my head in place.
Since then I've never looked back.
What does a snail wear to go dancing?? Escargogo boots.
What does a cat like to eat on his birthday?
Mice cream and cake!
Why was the gardener so busy over the weekend?
He had a long honeydew list.
I've just got my hand stuck in a jar of gherkins and I can't get it out.
I'm in a right pickle!
What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot!
I was holding a bottle of laundry detergent when all of a sudden it exploded, completely drenching my hands.
Oh well. I guess my hands are Tide.
The yearbook superlative that Robert Lee had given in his graduation was "Most likely to secede."
hat did the pizza slicer say when he wanted to rob the pizza?
“Hand over the dough or I’ll cut you!”
Water you doing on [date]?
What did the grouchy mushroom say to the loud mushroom? - Put a cap on it.
What do you call two banana skins?
A pair of slippers.
Why are automatic doors like knights?
Because they're chivalrous!
What do you find if you hang from a cherry tree for hours and hours? You find that your arms get sore.
Who gives sharks presents on Christmas?
Santa Jaws.
How do you tell someone winter is over?
You spring it on them!
Why shouldn’t you go into business with a watermelon?
“They’re seedy.”
What can you catch in the winter with your eyes closed?
A cold.
Why do toilet paper rolls have trust issues?
They're always getting ripped off.
I'd tell you about a girl that eats nothing but vegetables,
but I'm sure you've herbivore.
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