My wife challenged me to a game of strip poker, but it turned out she just wanted to do laundry.
So I folded.
When you’re smooching with your honey, and your nose is kinda runny, you may think it’s kinda funny, but it snot.
Why was it hard for police to catch the tree bandit? He had them stumped.
What do German meat lovers breathe?
Hamburg-air
The police have been interrogating the walnut for several mi-nuts now. It’s a tough nut to crack!
Did you know Teslas don't have that new car smell?
They have more of an Elon Musk.
Baseball point to ponder: Why do we sing "Take Me Out To The Ball Game" at the ballpark, if we're already there?
What do you call it when a musical group provides assistance?
Band aid.
How do you know when a potato is in a bad mood? When they are acting salty
What is a car’s favourite movie character?
Aerial from The Little Mermaid.
What is a golfer’s favorite bird?
Any birdie will do.
What did the deer say to his friend during their night in the woods?
This is so much fawn!
How long do you microwave fish?
Tuna half minutes!
What do you call James Bond with no beard ?
Agent Zero Zero Shaven.
Why is it cheap to feed polar bears?
Because they live on ice only.
I bring my knees to my head and lean forwards.
That's just how I roll.
Who should drive home out of the two friends?
The one who is not tired.
This might sound corny, but I think you’re a-maize-ing.
Why does the yogi meditate under the citrus tree?
Because it’s a sub-lime spot.
I went fishing in the ocean the other day and caught one fish
but I think it was just a fluke.
Doctor doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains
Doctor: Pull yourself together
What's a fish's favorite musical instrument?
A bass guitar.
What’s it called when a bunch of pigs compete in athletic games?
The Olympigs.
What do you call a skeleton with no friends?
Bonely.
What do you call a toddler running towards their mother with arms high up in the air?
A quick pick-me-up.
How was the first giraffe made?
Chuck Norris uppercut a horse.
Did you hear about the boy who had to do a project on trains? He had to keep track of everything!
Who invented the Round Table?
Sir Cumference.
A zebra is the safest place to cross the road. Unless you are actually a zebra.
Why does it take pirates so long to learn the alphabet?
Because they spend years at C!
Why did the River need Jesus? It was dammed.
What soccer position does a pink flamingo play? Flamingoalie.
Why isn't the the koala a real bear? He doesn't have the right koalifications.
Q. Who walks around the suburbs trying to sell venison meat?
A. A deer-to-door salesmant.
What did the cactus wear with their suit?
A cactie.
What do you call an ant that doesn’t get warm?
Coolant.
I had a few doubts about buying a big metal cabinet to store all my valuables.
Turns out... it was a safe purchase.
What’s Austrian and took over France?
Croissants.
My wife asked me, “Did you fog up the bathroom mirror again?”
I said, “I don’t see myself doing that.”
Did you hear about the watermelon who starred in a telanovella?
“It was melondramatic.”
What do you call it when it rains ducks and geese?
Fowl weather.
What is an outlet’s favorite song?
I’ve Got The Power.
Are you a magnet? Because I find you very attractive.
She saw Sharif’s shoes on the sofa. But was she so sure those were Sharif’s shoes she saw?
When you find a blue strawberry, try to cheer it up.
What did the teacher say when he could not get into his car?
‘Oh no, I have lost my Kias!’
Why did Julius Caesar go to the dermatologist?
Because he had so many lesions.
How did the mother know her child would become a neuroanatomist?
He was constantly staining stuff.
You must be copper and terillium because you are Cu-Te
What do you call it when a sloth eats a second plate of food?
Slothy seconds
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