My wife says she wants to order a glass of wine during our Valentine’s Day dinner.
She says she loves being carded.
Knights have always used one type of lamp since medieval times. These lamps are now called Knight Lamps.
"Happy Easter to all my peeps."
What do you call it when worms take over the world? Global Worming.
Why did the man keep punching his doughy friend?
To get a rise out of him!
Q. What did the computer say to the cookie?
A. "Can I have your chocolate chip?"
Daughter: Did you get a hair cut?
Dad: No sweetheart I got em all cut.
I have six eyes, two mouths and three ears, what am I?
Ugly.
What kind of cheese do alcoholics eat?
Livarot.
Why do cheeses make bad musicians?
They’re always sharp.
What’s a tree’s favorite dating site?
Timber.
“I love when candy canes are in mint condition.”
Where do sharks go when they want a vacation? Finland
What was one raindrop overheard saying to another? Two's company, three's a cloud.
What do you call a group of crows who see food?
A tempted murder.
Why did the leaf go to the doctor?
It was feeling green
St. Patrick’s is all about the pursuit of hoppiness!
Everyone wondered why Cinderella was such a bad player. If only they knew, her coach was a pumpkin.
What is the car dealership in Star Wars called?
The Mazda-lorian
What do you get when you cross a Sheepdog with a jelly?
The collie wobbles.
Which bus went from Spain to America?
Columbus
Live to tell the tail.
What type of key opens a banana?
A monkey.
What do time and space have in common with family?
It's all relative.
Why doesn't the moon shave?
Because it waxes.
Physics student asks to go to bathroom.
Professor asks "Liquid, Solid or Gas?"
How does a quarter moon always feel?
Crestfallen.
What are stepfathers called in France?
Faux pas.
Talking at the local chocolate factory is frowned on. When I’m there, I need to wispa.
Did you hear about the man who had nothing else to do so drilled into his own head?
He was bored to death.
Computers can be very good at golf because of their hard drives.
My wife drives like lightning.
I don't mean she drives fast - she hits trees.
Dog to Waiter: Are there any bones in this?
Waiter to Dog: Yes sir, why’s that?
Dog to Waiter: Because I really dig them!
Right, I'm off to grow some facial hair above my top lip...
Must dash.
What do you call a gorilla stuck in a ventilation shaft?
A Duct-ape.
Was arguing with a friend in a restaurant recently when the waiter ran over and took the plate of garlic bread and the coleslaw. I wish he’d stop taking sides.
Where was the dinosaur when the sun went down ? In the dark!
Did you hear the one about the statistician.
Probably.
What would the pharaoh say after seeing the pyramid? He would name it mummy's home.
Any proof that Saturn married more than once? Well, he do has a lot of rings.
Where do you put nectarines when you want to freeze them? Inside the peach-zer.
You’re turtle-ly awesome.
The local vampire society is constantly growing. They are always looking for new blood.
Why did the optimist lose his job at the photographic processing lab?
He couldn't focus on the negatives.
Are you a cactus?
Because you're a prick
What’s a real estate agent’s favorite song?
“For Lease Navidad.”
Q. Where did the gorilla like to go sailing?
A. The Chimpan-Sea
Why is your nose in the middle of your face?
Because it's the scenter.
What did the dog say when he sat on sandpaper?
That was ruff.
I work in security, and i want to get a pumpkin for my desk
It shall be a security gourd.
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