How long did Cain hate his brother?
As long as he was Abel.
What do you call dudes who love math?
Algebros.
What do you say when you want a kiss from a flower?
Plant one on me.
My dad wanted to teach me to fix the car but all I did was hold the flashlight.
I guess I'll never hold a candle to him.
What did the broken hearted skeleton say?
After all to-marrow is another day.
I had a traumatic experience with peas. I even had to go to thera-pea.
What kind of a car does a crazy man drive? A LOCOmotive.
"An Easter bonnet can tame even the wildest hare."
My friend keeps joking about the thing he has to wear to cover his mouth while he's exercising outside.
It's a running gag.
What did Dead Viking say to Voluptuous Valkyrie?
Valhallo there.
For Halloween I'm going to dress as a donkey with a kilt
I'm going to be an ascot
When the going gets tough, let the pins fall where they may.
What happened when Napoleon got killed with a bomb?
Napoleon Blownapart.
How do pink birds make friends? They fla-mingle.
Wind carried the sound of two people mocking each other to my ears.
I was in diss-gust.
Why couldn’t the witch have children? Her husband had a hallow weenie.
A pig just won the lottery. What do you call him? Filthy rich.
Did you hear about the loggers who stopped cutting down the forest? The trees really felt re-leafed.
What do you call the greatest cheese to every live on the earth? Legen-dairy!
How do geologists like to relax?
In rocking chairs, of course!
I used to be a werewolf but I’m ok noooooooooooow!!
I told my boss, "Sorry I'm late. I was having computer issues."
Boss: Hard drive?
Me: No, the commute was fine. It's my laptop.
What type of songs do planets sing?
Nep-Tunes.
Why did the blind man always use paper cups?
He has no need for glasses.
what do people win at fancy grammar competitions.
a posh trophy.
I saw an Italian man cooking pasta with a flame thrower.
I cannoli imagine what he was thinking.
Q: Why are cherries never lonely?
A: Because they hang around in bunches.
What did the corn say when it was being followed?
“I’m being stalked!”
My Gladiator DVD stopped working...
Talk about an *epic* fail.
Why did the frog make so many mistakes?
It jumped to the wrong conclusions.
The only difference between time and a ball hog is that the former passes.
What does it take to become a zombie?
Dead-ication.
Sitting near the fireplace is just like a whole bunch of bees...
'swarm
Stealthy minotaurs are always camooflauged.
Do you know why do the hipsters burn their tongue? It is because they eat their soup before it gets cool.
Wife told me to grow a pear.
I did. It tasted delicious.
Why did the pig get fired? Insu-boar-dination.
My boss said to me, “You are the worst train operator ever. How many trains have you derailed in the past year?”
I said, “I’m not sure. It’s so hard to keep track.”
This s***ty toilet broke down again!
What do you say when you meet a two-headed dinosaur? Hello, hello!
I saw a lady riding a camel and being pulled by a truck...
It was a camel tow
What happens if a cashew falls down your shirt?
It becomes a chestnut.
What does a deer hang on its Christmas tree?
“Horn – aments.”
What do you call it when you get mugged on the vernal equinox?
The first robbin’ of spring!
Why is milk taller than you?
Because it's always pasteurize
Why did everyone hide from Sue on her birthday?
Because they wanted her to be Sue-prised!
Why do microwaves always mess up wifi...
...when every one I've tried creates hotspots?
When the peach lost her mother, it left a deep pit in her heart.
How can we tell the difference between a can of beef soup and a can of pork soup? Just read the labels.
Why are urinals the worst place to spend time?
Because it’s where all the di**s hang out.
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