Why is Cinderella bad at football?
Because she’s always running away from the ball.
My boss said to me, “You are the worst train operator ever. How many trains have you derailed in the past year?”
I said, “I’m not sure. It’s so hard to keep track.”
Why do they put fences around graveyards? Because people are dying to get in!
What did the mushroom request when booking his hotel? A shroom with a view, please!
What happens when you’re alone and you get too cold.
You’re totally ice-olated.
How did the macho bee with eczema feel?
B-Itchy
What is American football called in other countries?
30.48 cm ball.
What does Santa often say to Mrs Claus? Come and look at the rain-dear.
People are always amazed by the skilled tattoo artists in Spain
Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision.
Why do comedians often start their act with peanut butter jokes? They love to warm up the crown by spreading the laughter.
Why are cats scared of trees?
Because of their bark.
What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a vampire?
A fur coat that fangs around your neck.
Where did the mermaid go on a date?
She was catching a movie at the dive-in.
What did the nurse at the blood bank say to the nervous patient?
B positive
Wanna hear a joke about Vikings?
Never mind, there's Norway you'd laugh at it.
People who take good care of their hair with just shampoo and water...
Must love it unconditionally.
How do you tell the difference between boys and girls?
Take their genes down.
I was conned into believing that my hotel room in Moscow had free Wifi.
I remember the ad saying: Internyet.
What do you call a pig squished by sand? A ham sandwich.
What do you call the guy who chooses a suitable fortified Spanish wine?
A Sherry Picker.
Why shouldn’t you lend a geologist money?
They consider a million years ago to be Recent.
What type of egg refuses to come out of his shell?
An egg-arophobic.
What do you call a woman with a frog on her head?
Lily.
I have an exciting new job as an explosives engineer blowing up mountains for tunnels and roads.
It's Groundbreaking work.
Me and my ears hate badminton so much
It's making a racket.
Which sports team do wine lovers always root for?
The Reds!
I was going to tell a joke about the natural disaster in the Indian Ocean
But it was too Tsunami.
There's a group of guys that assemble wooden furniture for fun.
I hope they let me join.
Why was the birthday cake as hard as a rock? Because it was marble cake!
How do eels travel across the seafloor? By Octo-bus.
We’re having a really difficult time selling our house. We blame it on the neighbors.
They always have the lawn sprinkler on… It’s a source of constant irrigation.
Did you hear about the fruit who was convicted of armed robbery?
“Now he’s a waterfelon.”
Did you hear about the new holistic elf doctor?
He's a gnome-opath!
A little girl is having a tea party with her teddy bear.
"Would you like anything to eat Mr. Bear?" she asks.
"No thanks, I'm stuffed."
How do ponies react when the opposing team comes on the field?
They horse-boo.
What will you get if you cross an ice bear and a running tiger? Frostbite.
I like playing chess with old people in the park, but it gets hard to find 32 of them each time.
What do you call a frog with no back legs?
Unhoppy.
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked
doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
Let’s commit the perfect crime together.
I’ll steal your heart and you can steal mine.
Who is the first farmer to walk on the moon?
Neil Farmstrong.
How do you stop a werewolf attacking you?
Throw a stick and shout “Fetch.”
I just found out that Mercedes is donating state-of-the-art street sweepers to some of the largest cities around the world to help fight littering.
They're calling it Mercedes-clenz.
My herbs were looking a little scuffed, but when I went to go polish them, my friend was already getting ready to help me out. This made me upset, so I grabbed a sprig out of their hands and said
This is my thyme to shine.
What is the healthiest fruit?
“An orange. It takes Vitamin See!”
What is the name of the country near Iraq that is made entirely of cheese? Curd-istan
Did you hear about the viking cannibal?
He had a Swede-tooth.
Why is the left cerebral cortex always wrong?
Because it was never in the rgiht.
What do you say to a procrastinating pig? Listen, bud, it’s snout or never.
What happens when an alligator drives a boat?
He becomes a navigator.
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