Rebel without a Claus.
My dog recently joined a gang. Now he’s all about that pug-life.
I want to practice my forehand outside, but it will be wet in the morning and nice later on. So here’s the plan for today: inside-out.
What’s black, dangerous and hides in trees?
A crow with a machine gun.
How did explorers hide their treasures in the medieval ages? By dragon them to a safe location.
I had never seen a horse that white. Perhaps, that is why it is called a mayo-neighs.
A pig just won the lottery. What do you call him?
Filthy rich.
Have you heard about the movie that involved haunted dairy items? I believe it is called Paranormal Activia.
I've written a book about a very grumpy British pea farmer, it's called "Mind your peas and queues."
“I found this humerus” is the perfect Halloween pun for boneheads.
My wife asked if I could clear the kitchen table.
I had to get a running start but I made it.
What do Krakens eat?
Fish and ships.
Dad: How does a farmer keep his cows in line?
Kids: How?
Dad: He keeps them a-cow-ntable!
"I heard some dictator wants to move the Earth further from the sun."
"Why??"
"Because it will take longer to make a full revolution."
I have a friend who has been diagnosed with a phobia of sausages. She always fears the wurst.
Some people like to play croc-quet.
You will never see a vampire betting on the horses. They can't handle the stakes.
Why did no one drink the youngest milk? Its parents spoiled it.
The mother helped her child bake bread because it was a labor of loaf. True enough.
I was throwing oranges at tropical birds. One of them caught one then said: “Toucan play that game”
Guess what I got my toilet for its birthday?
A Urinal cake.
I slit a sheet, a sheet I slit, upon a slitted sheet I sit.
What do you call a veterinarian that specializes in canines?
A dogtor.
Why did the cat invest in the stock market? He thought is was a good op-paw-tunity
I bought a new heater for my wife.
She didn't like it first, but now I think she's warmed up to it.
Why don’t orcas have hair?
They have whale pattern baldness.
My counselor gave me a hug today
I guess I got shrinkwrapped
Why did the Ghosts win the soccer match? They scored more Ghouls.
What do you call a kangaroo sanctuary?
A kazoo.
What's a pun's favorite love song?
"My Punny Valentine!"
What did the clean DNA say to the dirty DNA?
Hygiene!
What race makes for the edgiest bards?
Rock gnomes.
What did the deer say when she met her favorite celebrity?
“I’m a big fawn of your movies!”
If a painter ever feels stressed or troubled, they take a vacation to the hills. It will easel their mind!
What is suns favourite chocolate bar?
A milky way
Why did George Washington have sleeping problems? Because he is unable to lie.
Someone took all my straw
What a Hay-nous act!
We’re in a-green-ment.
A scarecrow's favorite fruit to eat is straw-berry.
Why are rabbits so lucky? They have four rabbit’s feet.
My first date with an Emergency department nurse was a casual tea.
I seem to find a way of sneaking chocolate into movie theaters..
.. I always have a few twix up my sleeve.
What do you call a glass robot that is good at physics?
A new-clear physicist.
Did you hear about the crime family that took over the wine importing business?
They call themselves the Sip-ranos!
Q: Why couldn't the Pharaoh sing?
A: He hurt his larSphinx
Six sleek swans swam swiftly southwards.
What type of football player is the biggest drug addict?
The lineman.
If you are going to sleep, I wish you suite dreams.
Failed my art exam by using the wrong pencil.
It wasn't 2b.
HIJKLMNO is the formula for water
H to O.
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