I had a jaw-dropping experience.
Sadly, it was radium poisoning.
What do you call a bear with a bad attitude?
The bearer of bad news.
Why did the Jack-O-Lantern go to the pumpkin patch?
Because he had holes in him.
What did the first thunderstorm of the year say?
Hail to the spring!
Where do prehistoric reptiles like to go on vacation? To the dino-shore.
I was trying to reshape the border of my backyard when my neighbors' fence fell over...
Wrong post.
Why should you never eat the fish in France?
Because it's poisson.
Q: Who is Peach’s favorite actor?
A: Brad Pit.
What happened when the zombie refused to pay its ticket from the police?
It was facing grave consequences.
Did you hear about the negative nelly who hates German sausage?
He always fears the wurst.
What happened when a farmer crossed a chili pepper, a shovel, and a pitbull? He got a hot-diggity-dog.
What does the ski bum do when the chairlift line is too long?
He's gondola top of the mountain.
What kind of cheese do rodents like?
Mousearella.
My computer became self aware and asked for a snack.
I replied, "Sorry I'm fresh out of computer chips."
What do you call the story of a poor witch that just became a millionaire?
Rags to witches story.
Why do people take an instant dislike to real estate agents?
To save time.
What did the vegetables say to the Salad Dressing? Lettuce all smile.
What kind of dog did Frankenstein want for Christmas?
A lab.
What do you call an and with frogs legs?
An antphibian.
Q. Why can't computers play tennis?
A. They try to surf the net.
Me: Can I get XL shirts here?
Ancient Rome Shopkeeper: Are you sure you want that many shirts?
Organ donors really put their heart into it.
What do stylish kangaroos wear?
Jumpsuits.
How many bones are in the human hand?
A handful of them.
My dog’s favorite band is The Beagles.
Wife: I’m sick and tired of your obsession with golf!
Husband: Why, is it driving a wedge between us?
Why did the toddler chew on pebbles? He wanted to eat rock candy.
Just received Areal Flood Advisory notification on my phone
I should hope it's a real one, the fake ones are just annoying.
Q: What’s a donut’s favorite drink?
A: Hole-y water!
What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a vampire?
A fur coat that fangs around your neck.
You’re the cutest clover in the patch.
What did the dog say to its fleas?
Stop bugging me
What do you call the wife of a hippie? A Mississippi.
Why was the little bee sent to bed without supper?
Because he wouldn't beehive.
Kangaroo: [dials 9-1-1] I can’t find my kids!
9-1-1: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: [pats pouch] Oh… nevermind.
Why did the dad prefer driving in the rain?
Things ran more fluidly.
Was there a spark between Frankenstein and his bride?
Yes, he simply couldn’t resistor.
Why did one camel spit and stomp when the other camel stole its cheese?
Because they’re “dramadairies”
Two hot dogs were having a race. One overtook the other, who called out “I see you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup with me!”
I ordered chicken fingers tossed in Buffalo sauce the other day
I asked the chef to be gentle while tossing them though. Because they’re tenders.
Every time I passed a ring-shaped coral reef with a coral rim that encircles a lagoon, I had to pay a fee. It was atoll.
You heard about the Spanish woman that is now a man?
He’s called Senor Rita.
What do you call a barking pumpkin?
A gourd dog.
How many Winter Park ski instructors does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to screw it in, and two to say, "Nice Turns, Nice Turns!"
Corn mazes should be renamed Maize mazes.
How do you make seven an even number?
Just remove the “s.”
When should astronauts retire?
When they start spacing out.
If you are what you eat, does that mean all squirrels are nuts?
Did you hear the joke about the pop fly? Oh, nevermind. It was over your head...
My wife and I agreed for some Roman foreplay
I agreed to be Caesar and my wife was the beautiful Cleopatra
I got stabbed 23 times
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