Why did the chicken go to the zoo?
To get to the otter slide.
How does Santa capture photos? With his North Pole-oroid.
When my great-grandad went bald, he built a machine to weave himself a wig out of yarn. He then gave it to my grandad, who then gave it to my dad - and one day, it will be mine.
It’s our family hair loom.
Did I invite you to the Barbecue?
Then why are you all up in my grill?
This Valentine's day, I decided to pay extra and buy flowers that look after themselves.
They are Self Raising.
Why didn't the mexican archer fire his bow?
Because he didn't habanero.
Why did the cherry blossom tree seem scared when it was trying to make a cherry pie? Because it was baking like a leaf.
What do you call a girl watermelon cop on the beat? A water fe-melon duty.
Why did the skeleton start a fight?
He had a bone to pick.
What do zombies call a battle between classical music composers where one of them loses their mind?
A de-Bach-le.
Can I be Candide with you?
Flight attendants fly with a very meaningful motto: always look on the flight side of life.
What did the young Toyota say to his mother when she asked what he wanted for dinner?
Taco ma
They say marriage is like a workshop. Where the man works and the women shops.
What sound did the gun make when the priest shot through two benches to kill a mass shooter?
PEW PEW
What’s the least honest bone in the body?
The fibula.
I don’t believe in boats
I have yacht to see one.
Why didn’t the skeleton rob the bank?
Because he didn’t have the guts.
Why do snowmen always get injured when playing sports?
Because they refuse to warm up!
Why do vampires clean their teeth three times a day?
To prevent bat breath.
My dyslexia has reached a new owl.
What’s the difference between a Starbucks latte and a whore?
Nothing, they both suck and empty your wallet!
What's one of the worst things you could come across while surfing the web?
Your keyboard.
Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
Samson. He brought the house down.
What's a barista's favorite exercise at the gym? The French press.
What do you call a chameleon that can't change colors?
A reptile dysfunction.
I married my wife for her looks. Just not the ones she been giving me lately.
What would Santa’s name be if he wore orange instead of red?
Fanta Claus.
I don't know what Dracula's address is, but I'm pretty sure he lives on a dead end street.
How should you greet a Ghost? - Long time, no see.
How does a quarter moon always feel?
Crestfallen.
Dance music can be traced back to medieval times when a farmer dropped some heavy beets.
Patient: "Nurse im suffering from bacon disease!" Nurse: "Baloney"
What is the funniest fish in the sea?
A clownfish.
What's a frog's favorite game?
Hop-scotch (or leapfrog).
My dad always said, “Find a girl with an embarrassing tattoo and try to convince her to marry you.”
“She knows how to make bad decisions and stick by them.”
You should never give milk to someone who is open minded and hasn't yet had breakfast. They're lack-toast and tolerant.
Did the dinosaur take a bath ? Why, is there one missing?
Where was Solomon’s temple located?
On the side of his head.
Why couldn’t the pig tie his shoelaces? He was too ham-fisted.
When were rock puns the funniest?
During the stone age.
Whenever I hear folksy stories about the hills, I can never get over them.
I applied for a job as an Instructor at a Scuba Diving center. The interviewer wanted to know if I can work well under pressure.
A stoner, a Jedi and a surgeon walk into a bar.
Blunt force trauma.
These decorations are tree-mendous.
Which Star Wars character was the orange cast for?
Emperor Pulpatine.
Why did the two bears break up at the North Pole?
They were polar opposites.
Did you hear about how deodorant lead to the capture of a cold war agent?
The scent of old spies gave him away.
What do you see at a funeral for a piece of fruit? Apple-bearer.
I was up all night wondering where the sun had gone for so long but then it finally dawned on me.
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