Which underwear does King Tut wear?
Fruit of the tomb!
I sulfur when you argon.
What did the bat say to the diabetic? Nice knawing you!
Did you see the award-winning movie about a hot dog? It was an Oscar wiener!
What kind of car does a sheep drive?
A LAMBorghini
What’s small, furry and slightly purple? A koala holding its breath!
What birds should you recycle?
Toucans.
Did you know if you hold a hard hat up to your ear....
you can hear the OSHA?
I applied for a job as an Instructor at a Scuba Diving center. The interviewer wanted to know if I can work well under pressure.
My friend didn't want to participate in the pick your new hairstyle conference but I convinced him...
He took part.
What's the Difference Between a Chemist and a Chemical Engineer?
Oh, about $10 K a year.
What is an energy provider’s favorite dance?
The electric slide.
What do you get when you dump your Easter eggs on a hill?
A spring roll!
My friend called and said he was sick of his fireplace exhaust vent...
Sounds like another case of the flue.
How can you tell a train just went by? A. You can see it’s tracks!
What's an egg's favorite movie?
Over Easy Rider.
What is an owl who has been caught called?
A spotted owl.
If trees could kill you, they wood.
Why did the mouse eat a candle? For some light refreshment!
Sheena leads, Sheila needs.
What was the skeleton doing at the hockey game?
Driving the zam-boney.
Q. Why can't computers play tennis?
A. They try to surf the net.
Lost my bread knife the other day..
I'm absolutely gutted...we've been through thick and thin
Why do mice need oiling ?
Because they squeak !
What do you do when you try to bake a cherry pie for the first time and it doesn't turn out so well? Just wait for the second bite of the cherry.
Somehow they knew I wanted champagne. It was chilling.
What did the ghost teacher say to her class? - Look at the board and I’ll go through it, again.
Where do elves vote?
The North Poll.
What kind of dog sniffs out flowers?
A bud hound.
What do you call a girl watermelon cop on the beat? A water fe-melon duty.
How do you stop a werewolf attacking you?
Throw a stick and shout “Fetch.”
What kind of fish do you find in a bird cage?
A perch!
What did the cow who barged the other cow say?
Moo-ve!
What blood type does a pessimist have?
B Negative
The tiger ran away from other tigers as they were rude to him. He didn't want to be involved in a catfight.
The daddy strawberry got the job to perform at the circus because he was a berry straw-ng man.
What kind of tea did the American colonists want? Liberty.
I asked the pianist if he could play the Chick Pea Song.
He said, "Maybe. Can you hummus a few bars?'
What do you call it when you've choked on water while jogging every morning this week?
The worst running gag ever.
I think therefore I yam.
Have you ever seen a baby dragon eating ice cream?
It'll melt your heart.
A bald man walks into the Hair Club. “I’d like to buy a hair piece if the price is right.”
Hair Club Salesperson: “Well sir, how much do you want toupee?”
What do you call two octopuses that look alike?
I-tentacle twins!
What did the father buffalo say to his son when he left to school ?
Bison.
What do you get when you cross a pig and a chicken? The best bacon-and-eggs of your life.
Electric razors are the best thing since sliced beard.
Normal Zombies: BRAAINNNNSSS!!
Vegetarian Zombies: GRAAINNNNSSS!!
Body Builder Zombies: GAAINNNNSSS!!
Plumber Zombies: DRAAINNNNSSS!!
Conductor Zombies: TRAAINNNNSSS!!
Weatherman Zombies: RAAINNNNSSS!!
Q: Did you hear about the blonde couple that were found frozen to death in their car at the drive-in movie theatre?
A: They apparently went to see "Closed For The Winter"
Why was the teapot sitting in the corner?
It was having a pour attitude.
Did you hear about the panda that had a slight stutter?
Seems it’s a story that bears repeating.
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