My history textbook says that the pharoh of Egypt used slaves to build the pyramids.
Which is kind of weird considering he could've just used bricks or something.
I went to a Halloween party wearing a pie shell and carrying a shepherds crook.
"What on earth are you supposed to be?" "I'm a spy" "A spy?. What kinda of spy wears a pie costume and carries a crook?"
A shepherds spy.
Why did Henry VIII struggle to breathe?
He had no heir!
Why did the tiger lose at poker?
Because he was playing with a cheetah.
As soon as the plane was invented, things started looking up.
Why were Native Americans in America first?
They had reservations.
How did the archeologists know the skeletons were real?
They were bone-afide.
Where do squirrels go for fun?
The acorn-ival.
Someone randomly dropped off a bull in my neighbor’s yard, but animal control picked it up before she got home.
She would have had a cow.
The peach couple from school is totally in love. They seem so perfect for peach other.
A tutor who tooted the flute tried to teach two young tooters to toot. Said the two to the tutor, ‘Is it harder to toot, or to tutor two tooters to toot?
What do witches put on their bagels?
Scream cheese.
What do you do when your partner drinks your coffee? I don't know, but that's certainly grounds for divorce.
Couple of friends have decided to put theatre style seats in their house. It will end in tiers.
Whoever slit the sheets is a good sheet slitter.
What did the Viking chieftain say when asked about his motivation?
"I'm in it for the longhall."
What do you call two polar bears jerking each other off?
Bipolar.
Basketball players are not that patient to follow-through an elaborate court-ship procedure.
In order to get an accurate count of the herd, the farmer uses a cow-culator.
There was a stampede out on the dairy farm. It was udder chaos.
Imagine an imaginary menagerie manager managing an imaginary menagerie.
What does a lemon pie and my wife have in common?
They both have meringue on them.
What do all the onions decide to do over unfair wages? They decide to form a labor onion.
What do squirrels eat at the fair?
A-corn dog.
How did the computer hackers get away from the scene of crime?
They just ransomware.
What do you call the worlds tallest mosquito?
Himalarya.
What did fog do to make the captain angry? He mist the boat.
What did the chicken do when his shop caught on fire?
He egg-xited..
I often tell my niece to listen, because hearing is the first thing you lose with aging.
Or was it memory? I can't remember.
Q: What is a tornado’s favorite game?
A: Twister
What did Sparticus do to the cannibal who ate his nagging wife?
Nothing, he's gladiator.
What did the nut say to his girlfriend at the pine-ic? “I am nuts about you, cashew see!”
What do you call rabbits that live at the North Pole? Cold.
Why can't a tattoo artist be faithful? Because he always has designs on his clients.
The Bee Gees were such fans of onions that they even dedicated a song to it. They named it 'Chives Talking'.
What do you get when you cross a bat with the internet?
Blood-thirsty hacker.
What did one slice of bread say to the other before the race?
You’re toast!
What do dogs and commas have in common? Dogs have claws at the end of their paws and commas are a pause at the end of a clause.
I've always wanted to become a podiatrist, but was made to train as a paediatrician first.
Baby steps.
My wife left a note on the fridge that said, “It’s not working. I can’t take it any more. I’m going to my mom’s.”
I opened the fridge door, the light came on, the beer was cold. What the hell did she mean?
What did the aged cheddar say when his mom told him he couldn’t see a movie that was rated R?
“I’m mature for my age.”
How do a group of skeletons drive to work?
In the carpal lane.
A quadriplegic man became famous playing beautiful piano classics with only his nose, ears, chin, and forehead.
Before going on stage to perform, his tour manager would say, "Alright John. It's time to face the music."
My leaf blower doesn’t work. It just sucks!
Cold Ski Pun of the Day: I'm tired of slalom skiing. Alpine over another telemark now.
Chairlift Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, is it really windy up here, or are you just blowing me away?
Why is pumpkin pie so much better than sweet potato pie?
Sweet potatoes are ungourdly.
What does a real estate agent from Seychelles specialized in beachfront properties do?
She sells Seychelles by the seashore.
What is the hardest part about being a tree? You have so many limbs, but you still can’t walk.
What did the electrical engineer say when he got shocked? That hertz.
Did you hear about the two spiders who just got engaged? I hear they met on the web."
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