Why didn't the mummy have any friends? Because he was too wrapped up in himself.
Last year, when I went to Texas, I met this very polite and gentle onion. Its name was the Texas supa-sweet onion.
When Smokey died in a forest fire, how did his body get to the cemetery ?
Pallbears.
Up to snow good.
A space fish is usually called starfish.
Boil ’em, mash ’em, stick ’em in a stew. Happy Birthday from me to you!
What’s the difference between a violin and a fiddle?
One has strings and the other has strangs.
What does a funeral home hair stylist handle on a daily basis?
A brush with death
What position did the young vampire bat play on the football team?
Quater-bat.
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said ....
You know, one would have been enough.
What did the Clydesdale use to deal cards at the casino?
A horse-shoe.
A knight bursts into a blacksmith and yells "You smelt my armor!"
The blacksmith was calm and collected and replied: "Yes, and what a lovely scent it had."
You make me hap-pea, we're like two peas in a pod.
What did one nut say to the other nut when it was chasing it?
“I’m gonna cashew!”
Did you hear about the restaurant they built on the moon?
The food is good but it lacks atmosphere.
Who is not hungry at Thanksgiving? The turkey because he's already stuffed!
How do fish go into business?
The start on a small scale.
Did you hear about the butcher who got into danger? His life was at steak!
What does a deer hang on its Christmas tree?
“Horn – aments.”
I like you sow much.
This foundation is rock salad.
I guess you can say my misunderstanding of Greek mythology has always been my Achilles
Elbow.
What did the judge say when a skunk walked into the courtroom?
"Odor in the court!"
How many indie musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
It’s an obscure number, you probably haven’t heard it.
What’s it called your backpack messes up your spine?
Schooliosis !
What happened when they planted new bamboo trees at the zoo?
It was pandamonium out there!
My children got their good looks from their mother.
I kept mine.
"The Full Moon is a natural furnomenon," said the werewolf.
Ingenious iguanas improvising an intricate impromptu on impossibly-impractical instruments.
I heard that starting next year, keyboards will no longer be sold with italics...
But it was a bold-faced lie.
It’s pretty easy to choose your favorite type of bird
Flamingos have a leg up on all the rest.
What did the baby chicken say when he saw his mother sitting on an orange?
Dad, look what marma-laid!
What did the ocean say when asked if he wanted to be friends with the beach?
“Shore!”
What did the ice-cream say to the unhappy birthday cake?
“What’s eating you?”
From up here, I Cannes see the whole French Riviera!
Do You Know How Crabs Get Around On Land?
They Use The Sidewalk!
Changed my password to fortnight but apparently that's two week.
The chicken farmer died under mysterious circumstances.
The police suspect fowl play.
Who do elephants get their Christmas presents from?
Elephanta Claus.
I have a bone to pixie with you.
What did the ghost knights say to the cloud king?
Our souls will rain forever.
Why didn’t the teddy bear eat his lunch?
Because he was stuffed.
Can one tropical bird change a lightbulb?
No, but toucan.
What did one fish say to the other?
If you keep your mouth closed you will not get caught.
I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
Q: What do you call a row of 10 blondes standing ear to ear?
A: A wind tunnel.
Betty Botter bought some butter but, said she, the butter’s bitter.
If I put it in my batter, it will make my batter bitter.
But a bit of better butter will make my bitter batter better.
So she bought some better butter, better than the bitter butter,
put it in her bitter batter, made her bitter batter better.
So ‘t was better Betty Botter bought some better butter.
Why do mummies like myelin?
Because of all the wrapping.
I’m no geometric genius, but all love triangles soon turn into wreck-tangles.
How did the corn farmer get to be so successful?
He corn-ered the market!
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