Why can't you tell a joke while ice fishing? Because it'll crack you up!.
I saw this beautiful tower in Italy..
It was a Pisa art!
How did the catholic cowboy greet his priest for confession?
“Howdy, pardoner!”
What do rodents say when they play bingo? 'Eyes down for a full mouse'!
Who is a snake’s favorite author?
William Snakespeare.
If you poop in your sleep...
You have sleep crapnea.
There’s a new movie out called “The Truck.” I’ve seen the trailer, it looks great.
What do you call someone that's always stealing your heat?
A brrrglar!
What do you get when you cross an apple with a Christmas tree? Pineapple.
What does the Ghost say when he sneezes? - Ach-ooooooooooooooooooooo!
Who granted the fish’s wish?
The fairy cod mother!
What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud.
Why did the egg go to school?
To get egg-ucated.
Why was the knight fighting the tournament with a sword made from cheddar cheese? Because the cheese was extra sharp!
What type of motorcycle do London Plane trees like to ride? Treeumph.
What do you call an ant from overseas?
Import-ant.
One-one was a race horse.
Two-two was one too.
One-one won one race.
Two-two won one too.
If ten zombies run after you, what time is it?
Ten after one.
The owner of the inside inn was inside his inside inn with his inside outside his inside inn.
A drum rolled down a hill.
Ba-dum tsssh!
My wife isn't talking to me because apparently I ruined her birthday....
I don't know how I did that... I didn't even know it was her birthday!
What do you call for injured ants?
The ant-bulance.
Who put the Howl in Halloween?
Not ghouls just the people they ate!
A boy lines up to get some apple juice and a girl lines up to get some orange juice
This would be funny but there’s no punchline.
The favourite day of the week for wolves is moonday.
Which is the coolest football team in Italy?
AC Milan.
The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested.
I hear they're gonna give him a really tough sentence
Does Mr. Otterton listen to Gazelle? Yes he's a rabid fan.
Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
I tried my hand at cinematography, but it didn't really pan out.
Why is the Medieval period often called the Dark Ages?
Because there were so many knights.
Where does a lobster keep its clothes?
In the clawset!
What do you call a hobbit who has bad breath? He is known as Lord of Onion Rings!
What did the tree say when it fell down?
"Call pine one one!"
Would you call a hardy unicorn that survived disease an immunicorn?
What does a cheese say when you ask him to share a secret?
He cantal.
The graphic designer's present company gave her a substantial raise while a rival company also gave a similar offer. I am now caught in hue minds!
What is the name of that knight who is very fond of the sea and spends most of his time at sea beaches? We call him Sir Fer.
A bunch of crows ganged up and killed a chicken.
It was a murder most fowl.
I used to have a scuba diving business
But it went under.
Summer is my favorite sea-sun of the year.
What did the lamp eat?
A light snack...
Have you heard about the guys who stole a truck full of broccoli and cauliflower? They had to really floret to get away.
I'm reading a romance book in Braille.
I don't think I'll finish. It's too touchy feely for me.
What concert costs 45 cents?
50 Cent featuring Nickelback.
What do you call half a head of lettuce?
The Romaine-der.
“I once heard a joke about amnesia, but I forgot how it goes.”
What should you do if you can't afford a fancy trumpet?
Buy a frugelhorn
What did the happy cat say? Stay paw-sitive!
The only thing I got for my wife on her birthday was a big helium balloon.
It didn’t go down very well.
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