A guy walks into the doctors office complaining of rectal pain, upon examination, the doctor exclaims "Buddy, theres a piece of lettuce coming out of your butt!"
The guy looks to the doctor and says "thats only the tip of the iceburg!"
Why isn’t the tomato a vegetable?
It couldn’t catch up.
My wife is fed up of my constant Dad jokes, so I asked her, "How can I stop my addiction?"
Wife: "Whatever means necessary!"
Me: "No it doesn't.”
When do bakers stop making donuts?
When they get tired of the hole thing.
The brain is an amazing organ
it really makes you think.
Many people seem to believe that warm water droplets get cooled fast and form fog. It's a mist-conception. Someone should de-mist-ify it.
There's a programme about the history of perfume on TV tonight.
It's on at 8pm on Chanel Number 5!
Q. What does the alpha gorilla call his first wife?
A. His prime mate.
Why do people like working at the Red Lobster?
It helps them get out of their shell.
I had the best ice pun to tell you…
Problem is, it slipped my mind.
No one likes sausage puns, they are the wurst!
What do you call an Amish Man whose hand is in a horse’s mouth?
A mechanic.
A cued peach visual communication system is used with people suffering from peach and hearing impairment.
I was offered a job as a gardener, but I didn’t take it because the celery was too low.
If pronouncing b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian...
Then Soviet
“Dachshund Through the Snow.”
It’s impossible to Rouen a trip to France.
Why did the spider crawl up the elephants leg the second time?
It got pissed off the first time.
How did cars walk on to Noah’s Ark?
4X4.
What do you call a very sad cup of coffee?
A depresso.
Where was Solomon’s temple located?
On the side of his head.
I lost my kid in the kitchenware section of Ikea today.
It was a pans labyrinth.
My job installed this new faucet.
I'm really faucinated by it.
What does a tiger say to his friends before eating a meal? "Let us prey!"
How are air conditioners like humans?
Both get turned on when it's hot.
When NASA will put 20 heads of cattle into the outer space, it will be the 1st herd shot around the entire world.
Help!!! There's nobody steering this yacht!!
Don't worry. It's on yachtopilot.
I heard about a football player who had a heart attack and collapsed on top of his opponent.
He was dead on a rival.
What do you call it when someone hits avocados repeatedly with a hammer?
Gu-whack-a-mole-e.
What do vampires use when baking cakes?
Batter.
What is suns favourite chocolate bar?
A milky way
Over quarantine, I’ve really gotten into gardening. I am especially enamored with growing chard varieties. So much so I’ve written a book of poems about their taproots.
I hope to one day be recognized as the beet poet of our generation!
What did the beaver say when it saw it's home on fire?
Hot Dam!
I told my son to go find out what "nada" means in english
But he came back with nothing
Q: Why did the pea sell his car?
A: The back seat didn’t have enough legume.
Why don’t bears eat fast food?
Because it’s hard for them to catch.
How did the little Scottish dog feel when he saw a werewolf?
Terrier-fied!
How do you catch King Kong? Hang upside down and make a noise like a banana.
Treat yo shelves.
What do you call an alligator in a vest?
An investigator!
Why did the students eat their homework? Because the teacher said that it was a piece of cake.
Take a vampire to a bar, and you don't need to ask what he wants to drink. He'll have a Bloodweiser.
[Food Spread] This is the line of scrumptiousness.
What do fashionable mountains wear when it's cold? An ice cap.
What do you call a Sith Lord who likes to go fishing? Darth Wader.
What do you call a Jamaican man born in Italy?
Reggae-Toni.
Which Hollywood actor can tell his car's odometer reading without looking at it?
Miles Teller
A snapping turtle is a turtle that takes up pgotography.
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Olive.
Olive, who?
Olive you, and I don’t care who knows it!
I love you with all my butt.
I would say my heart, but it is just not as big. (wink wink where my curvy booties at?!)
A dangerous surge of electricity walks into a bar. The barman says, why the long phase?”
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